Failure

It seems as though there are a lot of 'great reminder' posts being passed around on Facebook.  Mom's writing to other moms that 'it's okay to not have it all together' and 'we can't all be perfect.' I read each of those articles and start to feel better about myself, and then something happens, life.

I woke up this morning, rolled over and pushed the 'snooze' button praying for at least another 10 minutes of sleep.  I rolled out of bed to hop in the shower as usual after my alarm went off for the second time.  Got my hair done and entertained Cole while waiting for his bottle and then it was time for me to get dressed.  4 outfits and 20 minutes later I was no closer to being dressed other than the pair of pants I was wearing.  Each outfit hugged my muffin top too much or showed the wear of my shirt a little more than I wanted.  The sweater was nicer than the undershirt or it made me look like a marshmallow.  Now, I know we all have those days, but it's become increasingly frustrating looking in my closet.  I see all the clothes I haven't touched since before I had Elizabeth, the ones that looked great when I was down to the smallest I had been (thanks to Weight Watchers!).  I tried to get back down after Ellie, and then I got pregnant, well, sorta, I mean, I guess I was, and then I wasn't.  Only 6 months after that I was pregnant again with Cole, so losing any more weight was impossible.

Now, here I am, almost 9 months post partum (9months on, 9 months off, right?) and looking at still having 10-15lbs to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with Cole, let alone another 10 to where I was before getting pregnant before Elizabeth.  I work out at least 4 days a week (usually 5 or 6), 2 days with a personal trainer doing strength training and the others focusing on cardio workouts, and yoga one night a week.  I rarely eat food prepared from a bag, lots of fresh food in our house, chicken, veggies, whole grain, whole wheat, (and a few sweets), but healthy for the most part.  I have tracked my food, I have tried a meal plan, and yet I sit here, wanting so badly to unbutton my pants to release the tension my stomach  pooch has created.

Now, weight is just one aspect (a large one I might add), but I feel crazy as of late as well.  I am still on my medication for post partum, and it scares the begeezees out of me to think of going off of them right now.  I ended up in the ER about a month ago after passing out while driving home from work.  Luckily I had pulled off the freeway as I felt it coming on, but after ruling out all sorts of potential issues in the ER there was no apparent cause, but I think it had to do with anxiety.  I also forgot to add my crazy pills to my pill box the other week and on day 2 or 3 of not taking them ... HOLY SHIT! ... yah, I can see why you have to wean yourself off those things!  NOT COOL!  I have felt so out of it lately, not being able to focus, I can't remember names or projects I'm working on at work (I completely blanked on both a name and a big project I was working on just yesterday, all in a matter of hours).  The only thing I am confident of these days is the fact that I can come home and make dinner for my family, get the kids bathed, fed, and maybe clean up the house.  Is this just mommy brain?  Will it get better or do I need more medication?  I feel like a failure not being able to balance all that i'm supposed to be balancing.

I don't know what I need to do, but something has to change.  Living like this right now is not enjoyable.  I feel crazy, I feel scatterbrained, I feel like I have little to no control, and yet I have so much to be in control of.  It will get better, right?