Rough Couple of Days

I have had a rough couple of days and I'm trying my hardest to take it all in stride.

Thursday went like most Thursdays go for me. I got into work in the morning, had my morning cup of tea, did some work, had a mid-morning snack, a meeting or two, and then headed to my strength conditioning class. It was a good one and kicked my butt, in a good way! Got back to my desk and frantically made my lunch as I was starving (lunch consisted of part of a sweet potato, some chicken breast and 1/2 avocado). About 1-1.5 hours later I started to not feel well. And I'm not talking about just not feeling well, I was horribly uncomfortable. I couldn't find a position to alleviate my pain/nausea/overall sense of being uncomfortable.

It was getting close to the end of the day and I wasn't so sure I was going to be able to #1-pick up Ellie on my way home and #2-make it home to crawl into a warm bath. I called Mark and asked if he could pick up Elizabeth and I was planning to run to my mom's house and hop in her bath. I have not felt that uncomfortable since I was in labor with Elizabeth. I had no contractions, but for over 2 hours I didn't know what to do. I tried eating something, but all I had at work was some of my leftover chicken enchilada soup, drank more water, and nothing seemed to be working. Then to cap it off, as I was shutting down my computer, my boss called me into a meeting with one of the big sales guys to go over some new products and it was all I could do to answer his questions and do what I could to just get home.

I ended up making it home and was feeling slightly better by that time, but ended up sitting in the tub for a good 20 minutes to just try and relax. Not sure exactly what happened, and I haven't felt like that since then, but I have my 34week checkup on Monday and will tell my OB what happened.

After all the 'excitement' of Thursday I was looking forward to Friday as I only had to work a 1/2 day with a lunch for all of Accounting/Finance and then they sent us home. My plan was to run out to the mall as I have been in need of some new shoes and the Rack was calling my name! Figured since I was in the vicinity that I would run into Babies R Us as well and pick up a few things that I needed as well.

I arrived at Babies R Us and picked up a few things I needed (and a few I really didn't, but picked up as well). I was doing just fine walking through the aisles of the store, grabbing some pacifiers, some diapers that were on sale, and looking at a new hamper for Elizabeth. Once I started heading towards the boys clothes I started to get a feeling of anticipation, or more specifically anxiety. I can't really explain it, but I felt like I was completely glazed over as I was searching the clearance racks of boy clothes. I moved over to the girl clothes and looked for a bit before heading back to the boys side. The feeling came back and I looked for a little while, grabbed a few outfits with a very hardened attitude and left. As I finished putting my loot in the car and headed towards the Rack, I lost it.

After talking with both my mom and sister, I guess there are a few reasons that this happened. In general, I have had a VERY hard time buying clothes for Cole. I have purchased a handful of diapers in all different sizes, items to decorate his room, even painted his room and not felt the same anxiety that has come with walking through the baby boy section of clothes. Having a close friend lose her little guy so shockingly is probably #1 on the list of reasons why, along with the fact that there are still so many unknowns with our monkey.

After our 20 week ultrasound Mark and I both grieved, and we grieved for a good while before we realized that crying and fretting was not going to do anything at this point in time. It was most important that we give the situation to God and try to enjoy every day with Ellie and each other. It took me a little while, but eventually I became at peace with the whole situation and looked forward to finding out how things were progressing at my monthly ultrasounds. I think that subconsciously I have not completely put it all aside, and now, as I am only a little over 6 weeks away from my due date, the anxiety is manifesting when I start to have to plan for the lil guy.

My mom also mentioned the fact that not only has this pregnancy been totally different than with Ellie (which is to be expected as all pregnancies are not alike), and I've had to deal with a lot of things that are just not normal, but with a second pregnancy comes less attention from others. I guess to put it better, people don't make it out to be as big of a deal as it was the first time around. They assume you know what's going on, you have everything you need, and they just don't give the attention to how special the event is, even if it is number 2. With the roller coaster I have been on, I feel much more like I am isolated. I don't talk about the situation with everyone at work, so many don't know what has been going on. All in all, I have had a rough couple of days and I just need to keep focused on the finish line ... hopefully only 6 more weeks, but I'm trying to be realistic and give myself as much as 8 more weeks of all of this until we get to meet Mr. Cole Lewis Hamilton (yes, that is his name. Mark was the one not wanting to tell people, but he has already spilled the beans, so I am only following suit) and have many questions answered.

Lord give me peace in the upcoming weeks to trust that there is nothing more I can do at this point in time. The rest has already been determined.