*Sigh* of (partial) relief

We got to see our little man again today, and along with that, got to see my regular perinatologist which I was just as excited about. A quick side note: anyone needing a high risk doctor should see Dr. Wall ... he is absolutely amazing and I couldn't have been referred to a better doctor!

Anyways, back to our little monkey (his new nickname for his raucous bouts of monkeying around in momma's belly!). Here is the biggest highlights of the ultrasound and meeting with the doctor:

1) My placenta has moved! It's not quite to the 'magical' 2cm mark to deliver vaginally, but it most definitely is not complete like it was 4 weeks ago. It actually amazed me when she said it wasn't complete anymore as it had hardly moved from week 14 to 19. But that is a huge blessing, and it should only continue to move further away from the cervix. Hallelujah!

2) The cyst on lil monkey's brain is going away. Now, that is a good thing, but it's also common. 99% of the Choroid Plexus Cysts will be gone by birth, most resolving around 28 weeks. We expect that next time they won't even be able to see his cyst. Again, I want to stress that it is a marker, not a given, that he has a chromosomal issue, and it's great that it's going away, but it's not anything that would have caused issues after birth either way.

3) The clubfoot is NOT severe. (Deep breath taken here) It still looks like the lil man has a slight clubfoot, where his right foot does not lie in line with his leg like his left one does (it turns slightly inward), but by no means is it severe. The doctor even said that we could potentially see it fix itself over the next few months depending on how his little body is developing, and his right side may just be lagging a little (just like his Great-Papa Roberts). We will continue to have monthly growth scans so we'll see what he looks like in another 4-5 weeks and if he continues to look like he has some severity of a clubfoot, we will be referred to Children's before he is born.

The most important parts are that his brain, heart, and other structures are all healthy and normal. The doctor obviously cannot rule out a chromosomal issue, but moved our odds to 1 in 1000. Again, we won't know ANYTHING until this little guy arrives, and this roller coaster is on an upswing and I guess I am preparing myself for another dip in the tracks, but praying that it won't come!

As the doctor was getting ready to leave he looked at me and said, "you just have the most interesting pregnancies." Not so sure that is the best thing coming from a doctor who works with high risk patients all day long, but I guess I know that I'm in good hands no matter what happens!

ugh!

I thought the 2nd trimester was supposed to be when I felt the best. My first trimester was scattered with side effects of being pregnant, but nothing ever stuck around, so I figured that things would continue to go well. I was wrong. The past few days I have just felt like crap. This little guy is constantly getting into uncomfortable positions with his favorite (and my nemesis) where one of his feet is pushed into my left hip, but that's also along with jumping on my bladder or stright down on my cervix. I can honestly say that Elizabeth NEVER moved this much, and most definitely never got herself into such uncomfortable positions, and I have at least 15 more weeks of this, and he's only a fraction of the size he will become. I am also getting an upset stomach, and I just lack energy or the gusto to get things done. I'm just praying things get better!

A Great read

For those who may stumble upon, or who have been following my blog, here is a link to a PDF that I found while researching clubfoot at Seattle Children's hospital. I goes through everything that our little dude will be doing over the next 5 years as well as the impact on his life down the road.

Clubfoot treatment by Ponseti Method

Where to begin (or continue ...)?

As about a week and a half has passed since I last posted on here, I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't see any end in sight to this ride until March. I was feeling at peace at the end of the week we first found out, but as the days continued to go by and my husband continued to stay closed about the situation, it just boiled up more and more inside of me. It's a vicious cycle as you can start to talk about it and get emotional and think of the things that could be, then you are comforted by knowing that his foot will is fixable and there is nothing we can do right now.

More than ever I am anxious for our next ultrasound in 2 weeks (Nov 28). I get to see my regular perinatologist and after having 4 weeks to think about everything we have been told, I can ask more questions or get a better vision for what is to come.

There are so many things I have been thinking of lately like having to get our double stroller a little earlier than we had originally planned as I won't (probably) be able to as easily carry this little guy on morning walks with his leg all casted (I carried Ellie for the first 3-4 months at least in the Moby when we would go on walks). And what about all the cute little outfits with footies? I'll have to look for outfits without feet so the little guy can have his foot/leg hanging out.

All in all I know that this little guy is absolutely precious, that he will be loved beyond belief and I keep kicking myself when I get all emotional that everything is going to be fine, no matter what, but it's also hard to put those emotions to rest. How do you NOT cry when dealing with this? How do you NOT feel grief for what couldbe? Every day is a day closer to having closure, and every ultrasound is a picture closer to what we can definitively find out about this little dude.

Only 20 more weeks (hopefully less) until complete closure on this chapter, and the work begins to heal his little foot and to meet this little guy whom God has perfectly created.

Just one day at a time to get there is all I can do.

Peace, peace, glorious peace ...

I think I'm at peace. For the most part at least. I did my crying, I did my fretting, and now I feel like I can breathe, no forced, but natural, like I did the day before the ultrasound. Our little guy is who God wants him to be, and there is NOTHING I can do about that other than provide the perfect 'home' for him for another 20 weeks so he can come out big and strong and healthy to meet friends and family that already love him like you wouldn't believe.

I am still trying to figure out if I will be able to use the Moby with the little guy with his leg all casted up from the very beginning, or what he might do when he's not allowed to ball up all of the sudden when they cast him for the first time, but it's all peanuts compared to what it could be. I have too many friends who have suffered the loss of a child way too early and I will treasure my little man just the way God intended.

I am trying to get back to enjoying my pregnancy knowing this is most likely my last, loving the kicks, trying not to cringe when he jumps on my bladder, or squirms to give me aches and pains, but to embrace it knowing that he is moving, and kicking like every other healthy baby should be.

I may still have my days, but what good is it going to do if I continue to stress? I need to stay healthy and strong for the both of us!

Today is the last day of work for a week, heading out of town for a few days with the hubby without the little one, and it came at the perfect time. I am so excited to get away, somewhere a little warmer, and time to just reflect with each other and what has happened to us in the course of the last week.

I am at peace, and that is a good place to be.

Hurrying up to wait

I've had a little over a day to start processing the news from our ultrasound. As long as kept my mind busy I was fine, but once I let it start to wander, the tears would return and I would start to replay all the things I heard from the doctor.

At lunch I wanted to get out of the office so I snagged Mark and drug him along with me to Starbucks (which is now serving Peppermint Mochas I might add ... I was quite excited!!). It was nice to be able to talk about it a little more with him on our drive as I had been sequested in my training all morning with my mind running a million miles a minute. I realized that we are dealing with this in 2 very different ways, and though we both need to be strong, I am going to need to be the one to be the voice of reason.

I know that our little man almost positively has a clubbed foot, and that is something that can be taken care of. Though it may suck that we will be travelling to Children's every week for the first 3-4 months of his life, and the little guy will be casted for that same amount of time, it's nothing he will remember, and we will do everything in our power to make sure that he can walk and run and play ball with the other kids when he gets old enough.

The thing that we both need to remind ourselves is that it is not for certain that he has anything else wrong. The chances have significantly increased that he has some sort of chromosomal issue, but i've looked on other websites and there are many other women who have been given the same information as myself, and they had a little one who was born perfectly healthy other than the foot.

It's so easy to let my mind travel to all the bad things that could be instead of focusing on the positives, that his little heart looked good, he was growing right on track, the fluid looked good around him, and all the other little things that are very good signs.

I have also questioned, to some extent, what something like ultrasounds have done to us. It is a wonderful scientific advantage, and in the case of things like my ectopic pregnancy or my placenta previa, it has been such an amazing tool for my doctors to have at their fingertips. But in a situation like this, would it have been better to not know at all? That is something I have been struggling with.

Not that I can take anything that has happened back, but ignorance can be bliss. I know that every day that passes will be a little bit better, but I also know that I won't have complete peace until I see his precious little face.

Rewind

I didn't sleep well last night. I cried every time I woke up and wanted to hold my belly tight every time I felt our little guy move. I keep replaying everything that happened yesterday over and over again, and with all of the uncertainties, I am working very hard on focusing on the 299, not the 1.

My sister did some digging yesterday and Seattle Children's Hospital has a very good clubbed foot clinic, and did a little reading up on that. It looks like we'll become very familiar with Children's as our little guy will be put in a cast that will be changed weekly for the for 8-12 weeks of his life followed by a brace until he is around 3-4. Every situation is different, and he could potentially have to have surgery if it's bad enough, but we'll pray that the method of casting and bracing will work.

I have to sit in a training class all day today, 8-4pm, which I guess could be good so I can't let my mind wander too much, but I can already tell i'm not going to get out of it as much as I probably would have.

Lord, give me strength. Help me to trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and this feeling of helplessness is your reminder that I am not alone. - Amen