Already?!?!

Yup, braxton-hicks, already. I have been getting them now for a few weeks, they come and go, mostly when I get up out of my chair, later in the day, or earlier if I haven't had enough to drink, but sometimes they are just out of the blue. It seems a little early to me to be practicing this stuff already, but I guess I won't be concerned until they decide to become more frequent than they already are (every day to every few days lasting anywhere from 5 minutes total to under an hour) or if my doctor seems concerned.

Hey, maybe this means this little guy will be a little early and labor will be a breeze? :o) Okay ... so a girl can wish, right?

I get knocked down ...

But I get up again? I mean really, should I even try to get up again?

I started off this pregnancy totally gung-ho to stay healthy, exercise, stick with my strength training program, and keep all those muscles I worked so hard for. And then started the bleeding and the previa was diagnosed which threw me onto bed rest for over a week, and then off yoga for at least 2, and slowly got back to working out. I was finally back into a more consistent workout routine, including my strength class and even some personal training sessions to help get some ideas of exercises to be working on, and now, hemorrhoids.

I know, what a wonderful and glorious subject, but I'm not kidding you, I am crippled. I should have been taking care of some of the early signs of this whole issue a while ago, but this weekend I was pretty much parked on the couch and looked like an old lady trying to get up and down from any sort of position. I am currently better, but stool softeners twice a day, fiber supplements, around a gallon of water and it is SLOWLY getting better.

I looked at my husband on Monday night and just started crying. Is the world against me staying in shape while I'm pregnant, or is my shape destined to be round and pudgy? I know I'm over exaggerating a little bit, but it really is defeating and deflating and makes getting back up again so much harder. Maybe it's a sign that I need to slow down, but I really am not doing too much.

Here's to praying it goes away quickly and does NOT come back!

Holding back

Inasmuch as we found relief in our last doctor's appointment, I have found myself having a very hard time buying too much for this little guy. I spent a decent chunk of change on a nice double stroller (that just arrived!), but every time I look at clothes online for Ellie, I look at the boy stuff, but I am reluctant to buy.

Is it because I fear that something severe is going to be wrong? Maybe. I don't know if I had mentioned this before, but one of my very best friends lost her son a few months back. He was stillborn, and it shook me, pretty hard. When I found out she was pregnant we had just finished going through the process of ridding my body of the ectopic pregnancy. Our babies would have been due within weeks of each other. I guess this has impacted me more than I have really given thought. I felt so bad when she lost her little guy, almost guilty. My pregnancy ended before it hardly began, and even though it was a rough few months to finally get it all gone, I didn't go through what she went through. And now, as she is dealing with her pain, I have a little guy growing inside me with a future unknown, but looking more and more positive every time we go to the doctor. (her little guy had some similar prognosis, not sure what exactly was going on, but looking good) I hurt for her, and in that, I fear for myself.

All I can really do is pray for peace. The fear doesn't consume me, and I cherish the feeling of monkey's soccer games, but I need to let go a little. Buy a few items for the little man, and work on making his room a place that he can come home to, a place that I can rock him to sleep and feed him in the middle of the night. I just hate that my friend can't do that, and I ache for her in ways I never thought possible.

It is my goal to work on focusing on the positive instead of dwelling on 'what could be.'

*Sigh* of (partial) relief

We got to see our little man again today, and along with that, got to see my regular perinatologist which I was just as excited about. A quick side note: anyone needing a high risk doctor should see Dr. Wall ... he is absolutely amazing and I couldn't have been referred to a better doctor!

Anyways, back to our little monkey (his new nickname for his raucous bouts of monkeying around in momma's belly!). Here is the biggest highlights of the ultrasound and meeting with the doctor:

1) My placenta has moved! It's not quite to the 'magical' 2cm mark to deliver vaginally, but it most definitely is not complete like it was 4 weeks ago. It actually amazed me when she said it wasn't complete anymore as it had hardly moved from week 14 to 19. But that is a huge blessing, and it should only continue to move further away from the cervix. Hallelujah!

2) The cyst on lil monkey's brain is going away. Now, that is a good thing, but it's also common. 99% of the Choroid Plexus Cysts will be gone by birth, most resolving around 28 weeks. We expect that next time they won't even be able to see his cyst. Again, I want to stress that it is a marker, not a given, that he has a chromosomal issue, and it's great that it's going away, but it's not anything that would have caused issues after birth either way.

3) The clubfoot is NOT severe. (Deep breath taken here) It still looks like the lil man has a slight clubfoot, where his right foot does not lie in line with his leg like his left one does (it turns slightly inward), but by no means is it severe. The doctor even said that we could potentially see it fix itself over the next few months depending on how his little body is developing, and his right side may just be lagging a little (just like his Great-Papa Roberts). We will continue to have monthly growth scans so we'll see what he looks like in another 4-5 weeks and if he continues to look like he has some severity of a clubfoot, we will be referred to Children's before he is born.

The most important parts are that his brain, heart, and other structures are all healthy and normal. The doctor obviously cannot rule out a chromosomal issue, but moved our odds to 1 in 1000. Again, we won't know ANYTHING until this little guy arrives, and this roller coaster is on an upswing and I guess I am preparing myself for another dip in the tracks, but praying that it won't come!

As the doctor was getting ready to leave he looked at me and said, "you just have the most interesting pregnancies." Not so sure that is the best thing coming from a doctor who works with high risk patients all day long, but I guess I know that I'm in good hands no matter what happens!

ugh!

I thought the 2nd trimester was supposed to be when I felt the best. My first trimester was scattered with side effects of being pregnant, but nothing ever stuck around, so I figured that things would continue to go well. I was wrong. The past few days I have just felt like crap. This little guy is constantly getting into uncomfortable positions with his favorite (and my nemesis) where one of his feet is pushed into my left hip, but that's also along with jumping on my bladder or stright down on my cervix. I can honestly say that Elizabeth NEVER moved this much, and most definitely never got herself into such uncomfortable positions, and I have at least 15 more weeks of this, and he's only a fraction of the size he will become. I am also getting an upset stomach, and I just lack energy or the gusto to get things done. I'm just praying things get better!

A Great read

For those who may stumble upon, or who have been following my blog, here is a link to a PDF that I found while researching clubfoot at Seattle Children's hospital. I goes through everything that our little dude will be doing over the next 5 years as well as the impact on his life down the road.

Clubfoot treatment by Ponseti Method

Where to begin (or continue ...)?

As about a week and a half has passed since I last posted on here, I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't see any end in sight to this ride until March. I was feeling at peace at the end of the week we first found out, but as the days continued to go by and my husband continued to stay closed about the situation, it just boiled up more and more inside of me. It's a vicious cycle as you can start to talk about it and get emotional and think of the things that could be, then you are comforted by knowing that his foot will is fixable and there is nothing we can do right now.

More than ever I am anxious for our next ultrasound in 2 weeks (Nov 28). I get to see my regular perinatologist and after having 4 weeks to think about everything we have been told, I can ask more questions or get a better vision for what is to come.

There are so many things I have been thinking of lately like having to get our double stroller a little earlier than we had originally planned as I won't (probably) be able to as easily carry this little guy on morning walks with his leg all casted (I carried Ellie for the first 3-4 months at least in the Moby when we would go on walks). And what about all the cute little outfits with footies? I'll have to look for outfits without feet so the little guy can have his foot/leg hanging out.

All in all I know that this little guy is absolutely precious, that he will be loved beyond belief and I keep kicking myself when I get all emotional that everything is going to be fine, no matter what, but it's also hard to put those emotions to rest. How do you NOT cry when dealing with this? How do you NOT feel grief for what couldbe? Every day is a day closer to having closure, and every ultrasound is a picture closer to what we can definitively find out about this little dude.

Only 20 more weeks (hopefully less) until complete closure on this chapter, and the work begins to heal his little foot and to meet this little guy whom God has perfectly created.

Just one day at a time to get there is all I can do.

Peace, peace, glorious peace ...

I think I'm at peace. For the most part at least. I did my crying, I did my fretting, and now I feel like I can breathe, no forced, but natural, like I did the day before the ultrasound. Our little guy is who God wants him to be, and there is NOTHING I can do about that other than provide the perfect 'home' for him for another 20 weeks so he can come out big and strong and healthy to meet friends and family that already love him like you wouldn't believe.

I am still trying to figure out if I will be able to use the Moby with the little guy with his leg all casted up from the very beginning, or what he might do when he's not allowed to ball up all of the sudden when they cast him for the first time, but it's all peanuts compared to what it could be. I have too many friends who have suffered the loss of a child way too early and I will treasure my little man just the way God intended.

I am trying to get back to enjoying my pregnancy knowing this is most likely my last, loving the kicks, trying not to cringe when he jumps on my bladder, or squirms to give me aches and pains, but to embrace it knowing that he is moving, and kicking like every other healthy baby should be.

I may still have my days, but what good is it going to do if I continue to stress? I need to stay healthy and strong for the both of us!

Today is the last day of work for a week, heading out of town for a few days with the hubby without the little one, and it came at the perfect time. I am so excited to get away, somewhere a little warmer, and time to just reflect with each other and what has happened to us in the course of the last week.

I am at peace, and that is a good place to be.

Hurrying up to wait

I've had a little over a day to start processing the news from our ultrasound. As long as kept my mind busy I was fine, but once I let it start to wander, the tears would return and I would start to replay all the things I heard from the doctor.

At lunch I wanted to get out of the office so I snagged Mark and drug him along with me to Starbucks (which is now serving Peppermint Mochas I might add ... I was quite excited!!). It was nice to be able to talk about it a little more with him on our drive as I had been sequested in my training all morning with my mind running a million miles a minute. I realized that we are dealing with this in 2 very different ways, and though we both need to be strong, I am going to need to be the one to be the voice of reason.

I know that our little man almost positively has a clubbed foot, and that is something that can be taken care of. Though it may suck that we will be travelling to Children's every week for the first 3-4 months of his life, and the little guy will be casted for that same amount of time, it's nothing he will remember, and we will do everything in our power to make sure that he can walk and run and play ball with the other kids when he gets old enough.

The thing that we both need to remind ourselves is that it is not for certain that he has anything else wrong. The chances have significantly increased that he has some sort of chromosomal issue, but i've looked on other websites and there are many other women who have been given the same information as myself, and they had a little one who was born perfectly healthy other than the foot.

It's so easy to let my mind travel to all the bad things that could be instead of focusing on the positives, that his little heart looked good, he was growing right on track, the fluid looked good around him, and all the other little things that are very good signs.

I have also questioned, to some extent, what something like ultrasounds have done to us. It is a wonderful scientific advantage, and in the case of things like my ectopic pregnancy or my placenta previa, it has been such an amazing tool for my doctors to have at their fingertips. But in a situation like this, would it have been better to not know at all? That is something I have been struggling with.

Not that I can take anything that has happened back, but ignorance can be bliss. I know that every day that passes will be a little bit better, but I also know that I won't have complete peace until I see his precious little face.

Rewind

I didn't sleep well last night. I cried every time I woke up and wanted to hold my belly tight every time I felt our little guy move. I keep replaying everything that happened yesterday over and over again, and with all of the uncertainties, I am working very hard on focusing on the 299, not the 1.

My sister did some digging yesterday and Seattle Children's Hospital has a very good clubbed foot clinic, and did a little reading up on that. It looks like we'll become very familiar with Children's as our little guy will be put in a cast that will be changed weekly for the for 8-12 weeks of his life followed by a brace until he is around 3-4. Every situation is different, and he could potentially have to have surgery if it's bad enough, but we'll pray that the method of casting and bracing will work.

I have to sit in a training class all day today, 8-4pm, which I guess could be good so I can't let my mind wander too much, but I can already tell i'm not going to get out of it as much as I probably would have.

Lord, give me strength. Help me to trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and this feeling of helplessness is your reminder that I am not alone. - Amen

Trust

Today was our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan. 19 weeks along and excited to find out the sex. We had been told it was most likely a boy, but I have been reserving my excitement for a boy until we knew for sure.

I had my favorite sonographer today and from the moment she started the ultrasound the little guy was moving all over the place. He was not shy at all and we got quite a few good shots of his boy parts.

My normal doctor was at his other office this week, so I was seeing a new doctor. She came in and wanted to take a look at the little guy some more herself. After taking a look at his head and brain, she moved down to his feet. Our sonographer was having a hard time getting a good view of one of his feet, so I figured she was trying to see that foot as well. I had also felt like something wasn't quite right with one of his feet, and the doctor started off by telling us that she thought that he had a clubbed foot. The foot they were having a hard time seeing was constantly in an awkward position, and if it wasn't clubbed then they should have seen the foot in a normal position at some point in time.

That was a little hard to swallow, but she then went on to tell us that she saw a cyst on the baby's brain. It is also known as Choroid Plexus Cyst (she told us in the office, but I had to look it up when I got back to work). It does not seem to be anything that is necessarily concerning as some perfectly normal babies have it, but the fact that it occured along with the clubbed foot increases the likelihood of downs or some other chromosomal abnormality to about 1 in 300.

I broke down. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say. I had opted out of the full test at 11 weeks to check for our chances of issues, and with the NT scan they did, we had a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a baby with downs, which is pretty good. Our only option now is to have an amniocentesis, and for me, the risk of this little guy's life is just not worth it to know.

It has been a roller coaster of a day, and I have a feeling it's not going to go away until this little guy makes his debut. I will have monthly ultrasounds from here on out to keep an eye on this little guy along with my previa which is still complete (the cervix is still completely covered by the placenta). I can't have a vaginal delivery unless the placenta is 2cm away from the cervix, but my doctor today told me she thought in about 8-12 weeks I should see it moving farther away.

I will love this little boy no matter what happens, and I'm working on trusting that God won't give us more than we can handle. Only time will tell how things will pan out, but God is in control.

Roller Coaster of a Pregnancy so far ...

Well, I will be 15 weeks along in this pregnancy on Monday and i've spent that last week in bed. A week ago today I started spotting, and not just a darker color but bright red, fresh, blood.

I contacted the hospital and hard a hard time getting in touch with the OB on call from my office, so I decided to call my High-risk doctor and luckily it was MY doctor on call. He told me to take it easy, stop taking my blood thinning injections, and make an appointment to see him when he was back in the office on Tuesday. As the night went on, I just couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't right, and I knew that if I didn't see my little baby that night, I wouldn't sleep any night until I did.

We decided to drop off Elizabeth at my parents house and made our way to the ER at Evergreen. Luckily it was pretty quiet and I was placed in a room right away. Once I was rolled into the ultrasound room my heart was definitely racing. Along with the spotting I had been experiencing some mild back pain and cramps, all signs of a miscarriage. She put the jelly on my belly and the moment I saw our baby jumping and moving around I could breathe. It didn't explain all my symptoms, but baby was okay, and that was my #1 priority.

Jump to Tuesday at my doctor appt where my doctor diagnosed me with placenta previa which had caused all my symptoms. I have a small part of my placenta completely covering the opening of the cervix. The good part is that the bulk of the placenta is located on the side of the uterus and with time, the hope is that as both baby and uterus grow that the placenta will move itself further up the wall and end up far enough up to be able to deliver vaginally.

The biggest and scariest part of all of this is that I am on blood thinners. I was removed from my shots for 3 days before my bleeding stopped, and then could go back 1/2 dosage. This has really set my anxiety on high alert (sure wish I could have taken some meds a few times this week) as being off the shots leaves me highly vulnerable for clots, then put me on bed rest and it's even higher, but put me back on my thinners right away and it could cause more bleeding. As my doctor put it, we are walking a tight rope right now between baby's health and my health.

Other things I have been ordered to stop until further notice: working out, even yoga (and this is killing me), picking up Ellie (only doing it short distances and making her do as much as she can), and sex (there is a good possiblity this will be most of my pregnancy unless the placenta moves far enough up). Right now that's all that I can think of, but it sure is tough. I wanted SO badly to make this pregnancy different than with Ellie, to stay active (which I did with her, but not the same), and at the same time I worked so hard to get to where I was with my strength conditioning, and now it's all going to be lost. I know it's all for the baby, but I am going to be a little selfish as it is hard to just sit around.

Anyways, I'll make sure to update as I know what is going on. I have doctor's appointments this next week and the week after, and i'm sure i'll be seeing the doctor much more than I had initially expected as they monitor my situation.

*sigh* This little boy better appreciate what i'm doing for him! Oh, yah, at my scan my doctor said that his opinion was that we were going to have a little boy ... 90% sure (my sonographer agreed as well)! Mark is over the top excited!!

Stretch Marks aren't just for me!

Okay, so I had to share this story. I was at a CABi clothing party a few weeks ago, and after being shown all the clothes, all the women in the room get to go crazy and try it all on. There were about 10 or so women in the room, most moms. As we disrobed to try on shirts and pants, skirts and jackets, I was pleasantly surprised to see that every single one of them had stretch marks. Some were worse than mine, others weren't too noticeable, but it was a time where I realized that I wasn't the only one and that it wasn't because I "gained too much weight."

It happens to most of us, and I'm hoping it doesn't get too much worse with this baby, and I like that all my marks stayed below my belly button. So if I get crazy one day down the road and want to wear a bikini, I can! As long as the bottoms come up to my navel!

Things are-a changin'

Wow, it's been almost 3 months since I've posted. So much has changed and my daughter continues to change daily. New words, new actions, new interests, and growing closer and closer to 2 which can make for some interesting tantrums around our house (along with the never-ending use of the word 'No').

Well, in less than a week we will hopefully be able to see the heartbeat of baby #2. Yup, it's crazy, we're nuts, and this was not really planned, but this time around i'm actually feeling pregnant. Nauseous when I don't eat, bloated, sore boobs, all that good stuff that comes with the first few weeks after you find out you are pregnant. As long as everything continues well with this pregnancy the baby will be due around March 26, so Ellie and her sibling will be around 25 months apart. All I keep thinking is that I won't have 2 in diapers for too long!

I'm still terrified. Terrified that something will be wrong, terrified that we won't be able to afford this baby, terrified of life with two little ones while being the best mommy/wife/employee I can be. I'm really trying to take it easy, relax, and just let God take control. I've signed up for my yoga class which was such a blessing to find while I was pregnant with Ellie, I have a GREAT trainer who is willing to work with me to make sure i'm not doing anything to compromise myself or my baby. And an absolutely amazing husband who is more than thrilled to be adding to our little clan.

So, next Wed is our viability ultrasound and we are hoping for the best. Sure hard not to get all excited and start planning right now, and at the same time it's hard not to distance myself from the situation in case something isn't right. We'll find out more on Wednesday!

Miss Independent

I sure have a little Miss Independent at home right now! Unless she is clearly struggling anymore, I don't even attempt to ask if she needs help because she only ignores me and continues to try and do it on her own. Her Mother's Daughter I guess!

If you ask her if she wants to go get her pajamas on, she will get up from what she is doing, look at you, and start walking to her bedroom. Same goes for bedtime, she will get up, grab her lovey, walk to her bedroom and stand by her crib. Pretty amazing, really!

Besides the fact that she loves to talk, and her newest thing is trying her hardest to say 'shoe' (that 'sh' sound is harder than it seems), Ellie has now picked up hitting. Ugh. I knew this day would probably come, and we don't hit her, or even swat at this point in time, but she was little Miss Defiant this weekend and hit me on several occasions when she didn't want to be held or to do what I had asked. I guess I should have been a little more prepared for this to happen, but I've now had to reassess my strategy to remedy this issue and hope that we can continue move AWAY from the hitting.

Only 2 more weeks until our 15month check-up, so i'm anxious to see where she stands for weight and height. Mark is now able to walk, holding her hand, without bending over. that is quite the accomplishment for a guy who stands 6'5"!

Oh the changes she is making ... so much fun, and keeps me constantly on my toes!

That's right ... Mommy always wins! :o)

So, dinner time has been quite the struggle as of late. Elizabeth just doesn't want to eat. I put her dinner in front of her, and if it's not hot dogs or mac & cheese, she doesn't want it. My response, "fine." I take the tray away, put her on the floor, and let her go about her evening.

We still haven't cut out night time bottles yet and so my first stab at trying to get her to eat dinner was to cut out any snacks after we get home from daycare. She can only have her sippy cup, but no raisins, crackers, apples ... nothing until dinner. We have been trying this for the past week or so, and not much has changed. My next attempt was to cut down on the amount of milk she got in her night time bottle, and again, didn't make much of a difference.

Last night I told Mark that she was not doing a bottle anymore. Oh boy was he not happy. He hated the fact that I would try and try and try to get her to eat meals that she just wasn't touching and now that I decided she wasn't going to get her bottle at night to help top her off, all he could do was shake his head. First and foremost, I'm not going to be a short order cook, Elizabeth will eat what I prepare, and if she won't, she most definitely will not be getting food that she loves, instead she can have a plain piece of toast and some raisins. Giving into her only spawns a picky eater, and I'm not going to have that! I may make her a separate dinner from what we eat at times, but she still needs to eat what I make her.

Anyways, IT WORKED! I was getting later and later last night, closer and closer to bedtime for Ellie and I didn't get her bottle. She was running around the house crying, in and out of the kitchen, I tried offering her sippy cup, but she knows she has to sit on her bottom to drink it, and she was not going to do that, so, we packed up and went to rock in her bedroom. She was just cranky and cried, so I asked if she was hungry and she signed 'eat' back to me. I was such a proud mommy! I brought her into the kitchen, put her in her high chair and gave her what I had put in front of her almost 2 hours ago for dinner ... and she ate it! (okay, not EVERYTHING, but enough!) She was finished with her black beans and green beans and didn't feel like eating her chicken, so I took the tray away and she started whining again. I asked if she was all done, and she looked at me and signed 'more.' Again, proud mommy! I haven't seen that sign in months, but she knew that she was still hungry, so we ate more beans and a container of yogurt and she slept all night long, with a full tummy, without a bottle.

Mommy - 1
Ellie - 0

The Next Baby...

When you start dating someone, you get to a year and hear, "so, when are you getting engaged?"

You walk down the aisle, come back from the honeymoon and you hear, "so when are you going to have a baby?"

Baby #1 is healthy and you have just returned to work and you hear, "so when is your next one?"

At what point do the questions stop? If I decide that 3-4 years between kids is what is best for us, do I have to put up with 2 more years of questions of when we are going to have our next baby?

I guess I started thinking about this more after discussing this questions with my husband. We got pregnant really fast the second time around, weren't expecting it, and then we miscarried. Are we ready for that again? Should we just enjoy our time with Elizabeth for a while, pay off the car and save a little more? How are we going to afford childcare for 2 babies when I have to go back to work? Why is there so much pressure to have kids so close together?

Believe me, i'm not knocking having babies close together, I was actually pretty excited about it when we got the BFP, but the more I think about it realistically, what if we wait? We would be a little more stable as Mark is trying to find a new job since he just finished school, and maybe i'll have a new job, or at least be making a little more.

I feel pressured to have our children close together, I truly do. Nobody is telling me I have to, but so many of my friends are, my niece and nephew are less than 13 months apart, and I honestly get belly envy, but I need to stop back, breathe and look at what is best for US. And what is best for us right now is to enjoy the 3 of us, enjoy our time knowing that we weren't even sure I would be able to have a baby with all my crazy issues. So even if, a year down the road, I can't get pregnant a second time, we have the most perfect little person carrying around all sorts of traits from her mommy and daddy, and in that, I will be content.

Baby? Toddler?

I had to answer a question on a list of questions today, and one asked how old your child was. Baby (0-12m), Toddler (12-36m), etc. My Baby isn't considered a baby anymore? How can that be? I have to shop in the toddler section, I have to get big girl shoes now, it is going by so fast!

Though she may be considered a Toddler now, she will always be my little baby!

Better walking video

So, here is a video taken at home less than a week after her first few steps. She is now a walking machine, and it just looks so funny to see this little person toddling around the house!

Walking!

Yes, she did it, she took multiple steps all on her own! Elizabeth and I strapped on some shoes and decided to take advantage of a beautiful day outside on Saturday. She had barely napped, and we couldn't stay couped up inside any longer. What was supossed to be a little walk to and from the mailbox turned into about 45 minutes of walking up and down the sidewalk. She mostly held on to my finger, but took steps on her own as well! I was such a proud mommy.

Here is a little clip of our walk on Saturday.



Another, less exciting habit we have formed over the weekend is picking of the nose. She was laying on my chest as we rocked in her room on Saturday, and I look down to see her finger delving deeper and deeper into one of her nostrils. REALLY?!?! Am I going to have "that girl"? I know it's just a phase, all kids find and figure out cavities, but still ...

I cannot stress again how wonderful it really has been that Elizabeth has waited for the weekends to show us her new found talents! I feel so blessed!

Sick to my stomach

Mark got Elizabeth up this morning and I ran back to her room from the kitchen to say my hellos before I had to leave for work. She was happy and waved at me, and then I noticed it, her lips were blue. It almost looked like she had eaten something with blue dye. I started to worry.

Like I said, she was happy, alert, talking, laughing, so I knew it couldn't be too bad, but it still worried me. When she was born, the first pediatrician to see her heard a heart murmur (It was part of the reason we had to stay 2 nights in the hospital) but it was not noticeable the next day upon her 2nd checkup. I just couldn't shake that worried sensation.

I called the doctor and have talked with the triage nurse and I should just keep an eye on her, but it is probably that she was extra cold last night. I have never felt like I have this morning, how sick to my stomach I have been, thinking about what could be wrong or what I did to possibly make this happen. I know it's out of my control now, and I just hope to never see it again.

Rough nights

I now have a big 1 year old! I'll post pictures and recount more of the party day later, but for now, I have a big 1 year old, and with that 1 year old is coming a new attitude. She screams, and quite the high pitch scream, mostly when you take something away from her she wants (usually her Lovey - Moo-Moo). The screaming has started to take on a new life though and when she is frustrated or cranky, she screams. It's not a long scream, but over, and over, and over, and over again.

Yesterday I picked up Elizabeth from daycare and she was happy. She screamed when I told her not to pull the mirror off the back of the seat (for the umpteenth time) and also when I took an envelope from her hand she had leaned over and found in the back seat. Other than that, it was a normal drive home, she got a little tired, but didn't fall asleep. Once we got home, I was able to get a few things done including feeding the dog while she tottered around the house pulling out toys and eventually crawling to her room and finding Moo-Moo in her crib. Needless to say, this was about the last moment that she was in a relatively good mood until after she had a bottle. I read to her, we read with the Tag Jr. reader, we read other books, she flipped through books on her own. We tried playing with her new Farm and all her Little People animals. Eventually I turned on Sprout to see if I could get her to just relax and stop fussing. This worked for a little while.

Dinner time came, and went, and I think she ate 1 bite of her soup. Next was a bath, which she desperately needed, and she screamed the entire time, so that was about a 2 minute bath. I think if someone had walked in the front door when I was changing her into her pjs and getting her lotioned up, they might think I was torturing her. As Mark walked into the room, Ellie was crying, I was sobbing, and luckily he took over.

I write it all down and it doesn't sound THAT horrible, but to me yesterday was just plain awful. I come home from a long day of work, and I have a little crabby-pants awaiting me once I get her out of the car seat. All I want is to spend some quality time with my little one, play with puzzles, or pretend with her play house, cook up some goodies in her play kitchen or just sit quietly and read for a while, yet I come home to a pile of tears and mild tantrums. She is only 1 for goodness sakes, tantrums aren't supposed to start yet.

This just makes being a working mommy that much harder. When I was getting her ready for bed, through both our tears, all I could think of was how I would love to have to not work. Work has been a stressor for me lately anyways, and with the lack of acknowledgment of my abilities, nowhere for me to grow to, being turned down for 2 promotions, and now I come home to a cranky girl, I just want to quit. I would lose our house, be forced to rent, just to be able to stay at home.

I know it's all probably just a phase. She is so stimulated all day long by all the other kids and things to do at daycare, she gets home and finally relaxes, and when that happens she falls apart. I honestly just don't know what to do to help her (and myself). I sure hope that I can have a better outlook on this situation and that Ellie and I can come to some sort of terms with her attitude.

So helpless

About a week ago Elizabeth was starting to get another cold, and she wasn't handling this one quite as well as she has handled most of her others in the past. Tuesday night I noticed her starting to wheeze a little bit, and it was worse the next morning (and I heard her while sleeping). Mark stayed home with her on Wed and we decided to take her to the doctor on Thursday. I came into work early to get work done, then did the baby transfer and we went to the doctor.

Needless to say it was a good thing we went in when we did. A double ear infection and the early stages of pneumonia in one of her lungs ... I felt HORRIBLE. Friday and Saturday were very long days, and to top it all off, she cut her first 2 teeth on Friday as well.

I have never felt so helpless as I did Sunday morning. Ellie had been so clingy, needing mommy or daddy, wanting to be held, didn't want to eat, no bottle, hadn't pooped in over 2 days .. I just didn't know what to do. I called my mom crying, I threw pillows in frustration while making the bed, and eventually got her to sleep and sat quietly in our bedroom with the TV on for noise while sewing and working on my homemade stick horses for her bday party.

She is on the mend, but having a sick baby and not knowing what to do, what hurts, or how to help is such a draining and helpless feeling. Here's to hoping it doesn't happen again for a LONG time!

Forgetful me...

I feel like I always have these ideas of events or ideas I want to blog about, but by the time I actually get to the computer to actually blog, I forget.

It doesn't help that I was lovingly woken up at 2:30 this morning by a whining little girl. I went into her room and she was sitting up in her crib, wide awake. We rocked and I rubbed her back for about 20 minutes and she was still wide awake. I decided to put her back in bed, cover her with her blankets, rub her back and pray she would fall back asleep. Well, she sayed put, didn't cry, but talked to herself for about the next hour. *ugh* Coffee is my friend this morning!

I sure love that little bug, but 2:30 is a little early for mommy to wake up and not get back to sleep before my alarm at 4:35am.

It's days like these...

I really hate being a working mommy.

I'm not sure if Ellie is just teething or if she has caught a nasty little cold, but we kept her home from daycare today. I am in the middle of financial month end closing and had an interview to sit in on today and could NOT take the day off, so she's home with daddy.

He calls, a crying baby in the background, he checked and she has a low grade fever, she won't take a bottle and doesn't know what to do.

I just want to be there, snuggle with my baby girl, and know what to do. I hate feeling so helpless, even though she is in good hands.

Only 4 more hours at work until I can go home. *sigh*

A dripping faucet

So, I would have been almost 16 weeks pregnant at this point in time. How can I stop thinking about this? Is it like a faucet? Can I just turn it off and not turn it back on? It hurts to think about, yet I can't push it out of my head. My nurse who monitors my blood levels every month told me that I needed to talk about it, talk, talk, talk. But who wants to talk about something like this? I feel silly for feeling so strongly about something I never even saw. He/she never had a heartbeat and we could never even find out where the egg was, yet it hurts SO bad.

Who do I talk to? I know there are thousands of women out there who have gone through the same thing, but it's not like I can put a bulletin out there to see which one of my friends wants to talk about such a painful experience.

Right now, this is my only outlet and I am the faucet, but this faucet can't just be shut off, and I don't think it ever will be. I am a leaky faucet.