So much, so little time

I cannot believe how much Ellie has been changing the past few weeks. I feel like I see something and need to write it down or do a quick blog and then I forget.

Here is her current list of accomplishments:
* waving - at EVERYTHING! The doors, the phone, the tree, the corner ... you get the point! :o) She will wave when either Mark or I have left the room, it's pretty cute!
* along with the waving comes 'Buh Bye,' and this is said quite often, and usually about a minute too late. She won't say it while I'm on the phone, but after I hang up she will wave and say buh bye
* 'SO BIG' - we ask her 'How big is Ellie?' and she will raise her hands in the air as we say 'so big!' which is followed quickly by clapping of her hands, which could be it's own bullet point, but anything we say 'YAY!' she starts clapping
* dancing - we have a little mover now, so when music is playing she is doing a little bob and weave!
* Books, out of the bookcase and on the floor, multiple times a day! But I love that she will entertain herself by playing with the books for a good 10-20 minutes!
* We let her play with her comb last night and after chewing on it for a while she started to comb her hair, yes, she put it on the back of her head and combed her hair ... utterly amazing what she picks up
* pointing at EVERYTHING! She loves balloons in the grocery store and will point at the corner of the room, she likes to point out EVERYTHING!
* She is starting to recognize eyes, nose, and mouth. I have been working with her to point out my eyes, nose and mouth, and she has about a 70% success rate and about a 90% success rate given a second chance, so I'm pretty pleased!
* She imitated Mark the other night while he was playing with her new little stuffed sheep from her stocking and she said 'Baaaah,' so we are starting to work on 'What does the sheep say?' and maybe moving on to other animals with consonants and sounds she is currently saying.

It is absolutely amazing to me the things she is doing and new things that pop up every day. I am sure I'm missing some now, but these are the big ones.

Man, I sure love that girl!

Fun with the 'lil mover

Daddy was gone again yesterday, so it was another girls day at home on the weekend. Since Ellie has been mobile she is getting into a lot of things, but is also following us wherever we go, which is kinda really cute! She was my little helper while preparing a roast, veggies and potatoes yesterday afternoon, and I had to keep turning around to make sure the little peanut wasn't going to get clobbered if I turned around to grab something. It also made me think a little harder about making sure the floor is clean as little specs of 'stuff' have made their way into her little mouth more than once (oh, and her favorite thing to do at daycare is eat carpet fuzz ... yah, my daughter eats carpet fuzz).

I am very much looking forward to this upcoming 4 day weekend and I'm hoping some rest and recuperation will be in my future, but with a 10 month old at home, I'm not sure how much of that I will get. Either way, I'm not at work and get to spend some quality time with my family.

Yo-Yo anyone?

That's what I'm feeling like these days. Every week is a new set of emotions when it comes to my miscarriage. Today I received news that my numbers went up instead of down, almost 25% higher. I go back in on Wed to make sure the blood draw was correct, but I can't help but feel like I take one step forward and then 2 steps back.

I have no idea what lies in store for me and this mess of a "pregnancy" if you can even call it that. Possible D&C? Some surgical intervention? I have no idea, and I have a feeling the doctor doesn't know either. Why am I such a mess when it comes to my body? When I was in the ER the last time (after my fainting spell after my bday dinner) I explained everything to the attending doctor and after all of my, "oh yah, and ..." he told me that I was an ER doctor's conundrum. Pretty much, I have so many things WRONG with me, with no explanation (blood clots with no genetic markers, fainting spells with no neurological, cardiac or pulmonary issues, pregnancy that could be anywhere that just won't go away) that they don't know what to do other than as many tests as possible.

I will know more on Wed after my next blood draw, but I am sure not feeling this holiday season and could sure use some peace and restoration right now.

Mama's girl

What is a mom to do? My daughter says Mama when she's upset, or when we're driving in the car, or just because. She likes to lean towards me while in others arms, and nobody can feed her a bottle like mommy. But this is proving to be somewhat of an issue.

Mommy is tired. Working full time, being a wife and having a home to maintain all take a back seat to my daughter. She loves her daddy, but he just doesn't fill her need quite as much as mommy does. This has made for Mark to get frustrated, and quite a bit as of late. She won't take a bottle from him, or not much before she shoves it out of her mouth and wants to sit up and play, he can't seem to get her calmed down, and if things are going well with daddy and Ellie in the living room, I might as well camp out in the back of the house, because if I walk in the room, she is immediately whining and crawling towards me.

I am not sure what to do as I can't help but love the fact that she wants her mama, but she needs to let her daddy do some of those things that mommy does well too. I left to run some errands this weekend, but of course it was during her nap time, and by the time I got home, she was just getting up and I was there to save her. I'm hoping it's a phase so that she will cling to daddy here in the near future, and maybe it will come when we have another baby, but I know he desprately wants her to be comfortable with him, and for him to be able to comfort her.

Here is a very proud daddy and his little girl...

First Visit to Santa

This last weekend we visited Santa for the very first time, and I was so very pleased. Not only did Ellie NOT cry, but the place we went was WONDERFUL. Such a happy and 'real' Santa along with the fact that I now am the owner of all the digital pictures that were taken while we were there, so I can do whatever I please. I also called and made an appointment so we went in, waited about 10 mintues, got our pictures taken and left. SOOO much better than waiting in line at the mall! For anyone living north of Seattle ... Everett Santa is the place to go! (everettsanta.com) We'll be back next year!

Cold Free! For 2 weeks :o(

Elizabeth had a cold from the beginning of Sept (when school started and all the little kids started brining more germs back home) until right after her 9 month check-up, so about Mid November. It ranged from a runny nose to a slimy nose with a cough to no snot and a nasty cough. It FINALLY went away at the end of November and we have been cold free for about 2-3 weeks. I got a call this morning from Mark stating that she woke up with snot EVERYWHERE.

I guess she will have quite the immunity once she reaches 2 or 3 or goes to school with the amount of colds she has had. Luckily she has only had 2 rounds of fevers amidst all her colds, one that was pretty high, topping out at 104, but we were able to stifle it with cold washcloths and a little bit of Tylenol and it was gone in a matter of hours, and the last one that sat at 101/102 for all of the evening, but she woke up with no fever. She also has very high spirits while sick and it doesn't really seem to phase her, which is another HUGE blessing.

Here's to hoping her little cold leaves as quick as it has come on, her little body could use a rest. And who wants a snotty little kid at Christmas time. Cold, you have 2 weeks to do your thing and LEAVE!

Working mommies don't have to miss it all

I have felt very blessed that I have been present for all of Elizabeth's "firsts." I was there when she really started babbling (which is now starting to become many different words), I was there for her first roll from her tummy to her back, back to her tummy, the first time she stood up by herself and the first time she "crawled."

As a working mommy I knew there was a very distinct possibility that I would miss 'everything' but yet I have managed to be there for almost all of them, or maybe Elizabeth just knows and decides to wait until mommy and daddy are around! I did tell myself though that even if I missed the very first time she did something, there will always be a first for me, and it may only be hours later that I see it for the first time.

I am looking forward to many more firsts and they seem to be coming quicker and quicker these days!

Coping - it isn't easy

I feel so silly needing to cope with a pregnancy that never was even a fluttering speck on an ultrasound, but i'm finding it hard to let go. After my first set of shots, I never had any side effects and went in a week later and my HcG levels doubled, yes, doubled. They had to give me another set of shots and boy, did that ever do what it needed to do. The process of miscarrying was horribly painful, I literally could not walk, get up from sitting, move, without being in excrutiating pain for about 2 days. I have a high pain tolerance, but this was horrible and I don't wish it on anyone.

My levels finally started to go down last week and I will be tested again weekly until they are down to 0 but the reality has set in that even after they hit zero, we have to wait 3-6 months to even start trying again. Maybe it's my OCD and planning personality that is having a harder time with all of this since we started trying with the expectation that Elizabeth and her brother or sister would be 18 or so months apart, but now it's looking like at least 2 years. And then I start wondering if we should wait so their bdays are right by each other, or when is it a good time to get pregnant with my work schedule, how can I take 3 months off if I end up due some time in December? Then I kick myself back to reality and tell myself that it's okay, 2+ years apart is just fine, and work will deal with me being gone for 3 months.

At the same time as this all happened I had applied for my 2nd possible promotion at work. The first one I applied for was while I was on maternity leave and I was passed up for someone with a much grander resume and strengths in areas I would just be learning. I understood the choice of candidate and moved on. This second promotion seemed to be a good fit and I was even encouraged by 3 levels above me to apply for the position. I turned in my paperwork weeks ago and never heard anything back. The day after my 2nd set of shots to end the pregnancy I was invited to lunch with the Director and VP of Finance and was told that I (once again) was not going to get the promotion and they decided to hire another Analyst who had all sorts of skills they wanted to add to our company.

All of this together has really seemed to create a perfect storm. I keep myself busy as much as possible, running from making Ellie's dinner to our dinner to preparing foods in advance for daycare to cleaning the kitchen floor or reorganizing the hutch just so I don't have time to sit and think about all the shitty things that have conspired in the last few weeks.

Miscarriage is not something you put out there for everyone to know, and as each and every miscarriage is different it's hard to find someone to talk to who has been through what you are through and to know there is a light at the end of what seems to be a very long and dark tunnel.

I will get through this, that I know. It's just going to take time ... and a little good news would be welcomed as well.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

My oh my how Elizabeth is changing. She now says 3 words pretty well on mostly on command. 'Bear' is her favorite, especially when we reference her dog, or she sees him when she gets home. 'Bye' while waving is just too cute. And now 'Up' is in her vocabulary. She can say Up really well sometimes, but we are working on the association of the word and the action, as we try to tell her to say 'Up' for us to pick her up. A work in progress, but so much fun!

Here she is saying Bear and Bye!

Now i'm just trying to figure out what word to work on next. She is diggin the B's so I was thinking of Baby, and she watches our mouths very closely when we tell her Love You, so maybe she will form her own version of that saying.

She LOVES to kiss mommy. If our faces are close she will open her mouth and give me a big kiss on the lips or cheek. The other night all 3 of us were on the couch and Mark leaned over to give me a kiss. Elizabeth watched, and without hardly any hesitation she opened her mouth and leaned into mommy to give ME a kiss. She just couldn't be left out!

We are still not crawling yet, and it seems to be an issue with her moving her legs, and not her hands like we first suspected. At my parents over the holidays we were moving her legs and she moved her hands in sync, but when we stopped moving her hands, she just flopped back onto her belly. Oh well, it's probably for the better.

Life seems to be moving a lightening speed right now, but it is so much fun to watch her personality shine through and learn new things every day.

It is finished.

After almost a week of a roller coaster of emotions and hopes, I was injected with Methotrexate yesterday to rid my body of this pregnancy. Even though I had started bleeding on Thursday, my HCG levels almost quadurpled from Wednesday to Friday.

After a very long weekend, which included an overnight stay at the hospital after I passed out after dinner downtown, my levels had risen, but only slightly. After 2 more tests in the last 2 days, it was determined that they were leveling off instead of going one way or the other.

I knew this pregnancy was not viable, but it doesn't make this process any easier. My doctors will never be able to effectively classify this pregnancy as ectopic, molar, chemical ... we just don't know as there was never anything on an u/s to let us know where it was.

It makes things a little easier to come home to a little girl who doesn't mind a little snuggle time (especially when I wear a sweatshirt with strings ... she will sit still in my lap forever chewing on those things!) and has the cutest little toothless grin!

I am thankful that I am here, that this wasn't something that turned out life threatening and that I have some wonderful doctors who truly care about me (my perinatologist called my OBGYN from New Mexico to check on me and personally called me yesterday when he learned the pregnancy was to be terminated). I am blessed.

Oh what one weekend will do!

Over the weekend Elizabeth started army crawling! She still gets up on her hands and knees, can't go anywhere, so she flops back down and army crawls. She had to REALLY want something, so food, or mommy were her main subjects this weekend, but I imagine it will expand soon. She was also trying her darndest to pull herself up onto the entertainment center which was hilarious to watch. I helped her get up on her knees and she was trying SOOOO hard to get up onto her feet! Only a matter of time.

This weekend she also started waving and saying buh-bye. And not just something that SOUNDS like buh-bye, she has said it so very clear multiple times! The "i" sound is one that I had not heard, or heard much of lately, so when she said 'bye' while waving, I couldn't help but be so very proud! She was waving to herself in the mirror on the way home as well! Too cute! :o)

Happy Birthday to me ... :o(

For the few of you who actually read this, I am writing this more as a healing process for myself more than anything.

As most of you know, I am on lifelong blood thinners for 2 DVTs before the age of 25. With this, I have to be extremely careful, and on top of my menstrual cycles to cease my oral blood thinners and switch to injections due to the damage the pills can do to a developing fetus. The implications are so severe you can hardly find anything written describing the side effects of the drug. With this, I have to watch my cycles very closely and usually have a stock of pregnancy tests if my cycle is getting too long for comfort.

A week ago yesterday I was on cycle day 34 which seemed a little long to me, yet I didn't seem to have any symptoms of being pregnant. I took a test to be sure, and to my surprise, a second line was there. I was pregnant. I took another one at work that morning and it was positive as well. The doctor was called and an appointment was set to confirm pregnancy and get things rolling to get the drugs I needed and appointments set.

It was all a whirlwind for me as I wasn't expecting this pregnancy, at least not yet.

Fast forward to yesterday. I went to my perinatologist (my high risk OB) for my early viability ultrasound. Due to how early it was in the pregnancy, they usually do an external u/s and then an internal to look for any heartbeat or yolk sac. An intern did my external u/s and something just didn't seem right. She seemed to be over pretty quickly and brought in a more experienced tech to take a look. They found, what they called, 'free floating fluid' outside my uterus, which was most likely blood. They were also trying to figure out what was on one of my ovaries. They started the internal u/s and found the mass along with no baby, no heartbeat, no sac.

My doctor came in and gave us the news that it looked like I had a ruptured ovarian cyst which has caused the blood in my abdominal cavity. Nothing to be concerned about as the amount of blood wasn't enough to be life threatening, and other than continuing to be uncomfortable, things should take care of themselves (he also that I was freakishly immune to pain, as most people who this has happened to would have been in excruciating pain, and I just thought I had bad gas pains). As for the pregnancy, there are 2 options, 1) it's just too early, and we should be able to see something next week or 2) there is/was a fertilized egg, but it has implanted somewhere outside the uterus, in other words, an ectopic pregnancy.

I had prepared myself for things to not be right. I did that with Elizabeth as well. In fact, I think I prepared myself even more this time around because I just didn't feel quite right, I didn't FEEL like I was pregnant, but when you are working full time and taking care of a 9 month old when you get home, you kinda push things to the side. Even though I prepared myself, this news was not easy to take. I had held out that glimmer of hope that it was okay, even though the thought of another one in 9 months was a lot to digest (space, money, effects on Ellie, etc).

I was uncomfortable last night, quite a bit of bloating from the rupture and exhaustion for the emotions of the day. They took blood yesterday to measure my HGC as well as my white blood count to determine if it is ectopic. But as of this morning I know we lost the pregnancy. I started to bleed, and not just a little from the internal u/s, this baby is not meant to be.

I am okay with this. As much as I may cry and wish that this didn't happen, everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for our family, and we have a BEAUTIFUL baby girl at home. All I wanted to do when I woke up this morning at 4am was to go and get Elizabeth out of bed and snuggle with her in the rocking chair (I think she would think it was play time instead of go-back-to-sleep-in-mommys-arms-time). Heck, it took up 7 months to get pregnant with Ellie, and look how quickly it happened this time. It will happen again, this just wasn't the right time, and this baby wasn't healthy.

Today is my 29th birthday, the start to my last year in my 20s. Maybe I'll have another baby before I turn 30, or maybe God has other plans. Either way, I'm thankful for what I have been blessed with so far, and I can't wait to see where life takes us all in the years to come.

Crawling? Not so much.

Elizabeth just doesn't want to crawl. She will get up on her hands and knees and then flop down on her belly, but if you stand her up next to her music table, she will stand there forever. Her new thing is to let go with one hand and reach towards mommy. Good thing I sit behind her, otherwise that poor girl would have bruises all over!

We will continue to work on crawling, but she is sure anxious to pull herself up and stand by herself. Just have to get her little brain to work with her chunky little legs and tell them to MOVE! :o)

I really do LOVE my baby!

Did my last post make it seem like I don't want to be a mommy anymore? That was not the point of writing that post if that is how it came across. I absolutely LOVE being a mommy and my daughter is the most wonderful little creation, but that doesn't mean that I don't get tired, or exhausted, or a little irritated at the fact that she is all about mommy right now, and mommy needs some time to herself or with friends.

I guess it's just another one of those phases again. Maybe she will grow out of her 'mommy' stage and move on to daddy in a little while so I can leave the room and not have her start to scream, or will take a bottle from daddy or papa like she does with mommy, or eat breakfast or lunch when daddy is feeding.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I step in too often to take over because she isn't eating or doesn't want it. Maybe I should just leave the house when Mark tries to feed her? Stay in the back of the house while he gives her a bottle? Do some yardwork or clean the garage while she's playing on the floor with daddy? Maybe it's not her, it's me.

Lonely

I'm starting to realize that being a full-time working mommy is lonely. Maybe I'm not doing enough to 'get myself out there,' but this weekend is perfect example. Saturday was spent toting Ellie to her Grandma and Grandpa's to do some 'trick-or-treating.' We got home and after trying our darnedest to get her to nap some more, got her up to get ready for our Halloween party that night (we were bringing her and had planned on putting her to sleep upstairs at our friend's house).

While I was holding her I noticed she was warm and checked her temp. She was running around a 102' fever. As I sat there with her in my arms I knew my party plans were over, the costume I was so excited to debut was going to sit on the back of the chair the rest of the night, and the yummy dip I made was going to be consumed by everyone, but me. I sat at home on Saturday, checking in on Ellie every half hour or so to make sure her fever wasn't getting any higher and making sure she was adequately covered for when her fever broke. I caught up on some of my TV shows that Mark doesn't like watching and talked with my mom for over 40 minutes while she drove home from Portland. I folded clothes and put away dishes, but all I wanted to do was to be social, to laugh with friends and have a drink or two. Instead I had a bag of steamed veggies, a bowl of soup and a Mikes Hard Margarita while watching 'Teen Mom.'

I don't know if a big part of my loneliness is the fact that all my friends from growing up live further south or that I haven't made it a priority to make friends up North? I am a part of a Bunco group that plays once a month, and that, currently, is my only 'girl-time.' I hate for this post to be a pity-me, but it is hard being a working mommy. Honestly, if I wasn't working, I would go to a local MOPS group (VERY few meet in the evenings up north, they seem to all be in Seattle), I'd probably still be going to my mommy group at the hospital weekly, and would have play dates with Eli (our neighbor boy who is about 5 months older than Ellie) or other friends who are lucky enough to be at home during the day.

It's just hard, and I just need to work on finding ways to fix my loneliness or just suck it up and deal with it.

It's been a while.

Life has been busy, so say the least, but good for the most part. Elizabeth is starting to show early signs of crawling, but just doesn't seem to really care. She will whip herself 180degrees to get to something she wants, she will even get on her hands and knees (and more often then not, she will then get up on her hands and toes like a 'tunnel') and then swiftly proceeds to fall back on her belly.

Miss Sue and Miss Mary (at daycare) have been working with her on crawling, so we'll see when it finally clicks. And speaking of daycare, I just have to rave about how wonderful the facility is that we found for Ellie. I never thought I would be this happy with a facility, and h ave nothing but rave reviews for the gals there. It will be difficult once Ellie goes to school to have to move her sibling somewhere up north and find a place I love as much as Engaging Minds ... but that's a good 4 years down the road, so we have time! ;o)

It was interesting as I chatted with the gals at daycare when I picked up Elizabeth last night and we were discussing learning things such as the alphabet, or letter sounds, or even sign language. They noted that Ellie would probably talk before picking up sign language because she is quite vocal about what she wants or needs (which I completely agree with!). But there are some children who are very bright, or seemingly so, and they noted that you have to be careful with that, because if a child "learns" some of these things so early, they are more like a circus trick then something that is internalized and that they are ready, cognitively, to digest. Taking the time to teach your child the alphabet from A-Z is a matter of memorization, but if you asked them what letter comes after P, they will have no idea because they "know" the alphabet from A-Z.

I found it to be a very interesting as well as humbling conversation as we as parents want our children to be 'The Best' or 'The First.' "My child rolled over at 3 months", "Oh yeah, my child rolled over both ways at 2 months." "Bobby has all his teeth and he's only 6 months old." It's like we want to one-up everyone else, we want our child to be the first, to be the best, the cutest and the smartest. The issues is that there is only so much we have control over at this age. We can't make their teeth come in, we can't make them roll over (well, we can 'show' them), they will eat what they want to eat and say what they want to say. They are their own person, no teeth at 1, take until 10 months to crawl, or walk by 9 months, they are still on track, and what our children need as parents is support. We relish in their accomplishments and are there for the failures and aren't scolding our 13 month old child for not walking, when they just aren't ready.

It's something I have to remind myself, and I think it's even harder sometimes being a working mommy. I worry that I am not working on all the "right" things. Will the doctor be able to check off all the things on her list, or do I even know if she can pat her head and rub her tummy at the same time? I just have to know that I am being the best parent I know I can be, and that is all that Elizabeth cares about.

Everything's NOT perfect...but that's okay.

I go through phases of feeling like I'm on top of everything, grocery shopping is done (albeit later than I would like, but we have food to eat, as does Ellie), we aren't completely running out of clothes (although they sit in the laundry basket a little too long and come out slightly wrinkles), dinner is made at home 90% of the time, I get sleep and I still have some time to snuggle with my husband after the dishes are done and leftovers are put away. And then there are days like yesterday that I just fall apart and realize how much has NOT been done and I become a blubbering pile of mess.

Elizabeth was cranky when we got home from daycare with a stop off at the grocery store. I should have known it was because she was hungry, but I didn't realize it until I put her in her high chair. She started off by eating some cheese, which is a new thing for her, and she LOVED it. Moved on to toast with some yogurt on top, then to her veggies. After she was full we bathed and she got fussy again (not typical for the bath), got out and put the pj's on. Then she completely lost it. I set her on the floor in the living room and went to the kitchen to make her bottle and there were alligator tears streaming down her face by the time I got back to her.

She ate and was pretty much passed out and I went to get her burped and put to bed. Daddy had just gotten home so they were "talking" as I held her and as I went to go back to her room, she puked. Not just a little urp, I mean PUKED. All over me and all over herself. Luckily daddy was there to take her and change her, but I was covered and it was rank. Pulling clothes over your head soaked with baby puke and bits of vegetables smelling like partially digested milk and cheese is NOT fun.

We put Ellie to bed and I went back into the kitchen to start dinner and that's when I just fell apart. All her mess from dinner was in the sink, I had yet to even start cooking our dinner, every drawer I opened or closet I peered in seemed to need a good cleaning out, reorganizing, and purging. The toilets are gross, I haven't cleaned the kitchen floor in weeks, the carpet needed to be vacuumed, the dog's blankets stink and the 'play' room is continuing to look like a storage room instead of a room for toys and the office.

It just all hits me at once, and the putrid shower of puke set it off last night. I know that we function just fine, we are healthy (well, for the most part, other than Ellie's continual runny nose and little cough), we have a roof over out head, the fridge is full of food (and not rotting), we have vehicles to run and jobs to pay the bills.

We are a family and that is the most important thing, but it sure is hard being a working mommy with a *slight* case of OCD. I am learning, daily, to let things go, and everything's not 'perfect' like I would like it to be, but that's okay.

Proud Mama!

As I was sitting on the floor with Ellie last night, we were playing with her little giraffe toy which has some blocks that go down Mr. Giraffe's neck and then can come out the bottom when you open the door (sounds kinda gross, but I guess that is the case with many toys for kids). I handed her a block and she quickly brought it up to her mouth. I then started to point to the opening showing her where it goes. After a few failed attempts to get it in there by having her other hand in the way, or dropping it too soon, or not dropping it soon enough and pulling it back out, she finally did it! She put the block in the hole and the giraffe made a noise and mommy was VERY excited! She did it a few more times after that as well, so it wasn't just a fluke!

It's so rewarding to see her progress!

Who needs a spoon?

Last night I attempted to feed Elizabeth her dinner. I had made some sweet potato a few days ago and pulled it out, put it in her bowl, stirred it up a little and started to feed her. Yah, that didn't work so well. She wanted NOTHING to do with it. Funny thing is, she LOVES sweet potato, or at least she did about a week ago.

I decided to steam up some veggies and let her go at it for dinner and that worked much better. Peas, green beans, corn and carrots were all over the floor, in her bib, and I believe some made it in her mouth. Capped that off with a piece of toast and we had a GREAT dinner!

My dilemma now is what else can I have her eat with her fingers? I already steam apples for her so she has that. Bananas work well, but she eats fruit for breakfast and lunch right now, so I want her to eat other items. I am going to try ground beef in a few days (when I'm not working late and we don't have company), but I feel stuck as to what else she can eat with her hands.

I have read about pasta, but I'm not sure about pasta without the whole egg, can I get it with just yolks right now? I'll try chicken here soon after we try the ground beef and just cut the chicken up in small pieces. Maybe I'll try cheese soon too. I just want to make sure she is eating healthy. As much as it's a pain that she won't eat from me lately, it's kinda nice to have her in the kitchen, feeding herself so I can prepare dinner and have both hands to get other things done!

And as you can see, I don't think she is a starving little girl my any means! :o)

Post-baby body

So, I am finally starting to feel like my body is coming back. I'm fitting into jeans I haven't seen in over a year and am more comfortable in my skin. It is such a hard process as you are so very excited to be pregnant, and I didn't want to be too hard on myself while pregnant. I exercised and watched what I ate, and still gained more than I would have liked to.

Since I decided to stop breastfeeding after Elizabeth was continuing to lose weight after birth, I was slightly depressed. I was hoping to use that as a catapult to getting my pre-baby body back, and when that wasn't available, I got pretty frustrated. I had lost about 15-20lbs during the time Mark and I were trying to get pregnant, so I was at my smallest in a LONG time when I got pregnant. Coupled with the fact that after my 1st trimester I was taken off my medications that help in maintaining my glucose level and ultimately helped me lose weight about 5 years ago, I gained that 15lbs back pretty quickly.

It has been hard, but I am happy that I am feeling more comfortable with myself. It's only taken 8 months! :o)

The right decision

I now know that we absolutely made the right decision in moving Elizabeth to Engaging Minds. I loved the comfort of knowing who was taking care of my child while she was at my girlfriend's house, but Elizabeth is such a happy girl at EM and Mary and Sue love on her so much it makes me SO HAPPY!

I pick her up every day and all they can say is 'she is so happy, she sleeps well, eats well, and is such a joy.' I love hearing that my daughter is not causing grief while i'm at work! And the past week has been wonderful when I get home with her ... she's happy, eats dinner, is happy AFTER dinner (which is a new thing) and will continue to be happy until she is ready for her last bottle of the night.

It is such a relief to know she is loved and I am so happy that taking her to daycare doesn't cause me any added stress. Thank you Engaging Minds for running such a wonderful facility. Our next child will be so lucky to be taken care by you! (Whenever that may be) ;o)

We have a mover! ...

Backwards! That is the way that Elizabeth likes to cruise these days. She had amazing speed pushing herself backwards across the living room floor last night, only to find herself parked next to the door stopper. Yup, the one on a spring ... she thought that was pretty amazing!

I fear in only a few weeks she will be figuring out how to go the "right" direction and our whole world is going to change. Kitchen drawers have already been rearranged, but there are a few drawers that are going to need to be locked, and luckily we can just close doors for now to keep her out of the bathrooms, but that will have to be addressed sooner than we think!

Scariest moment of being a mother (so far)

On Friday I was at my parents house spending the day with my sister, niece and nephew who were in town for the weekend. Ellie was sitting in the high chair munching on some bread (I didn't toast it this time) and had a HORRIBLY stuffy nose. She then started to choke a little bit, and she will do this sometimes, and I will just let her work it out herself, but it just wasn't stopping. I pulled her out of her high chair and flipped her so she was looking out. As I was pounding on her back, I heard her stop making any sound at all. After a few seconds, that seemed to last forever, she finally dislodged the bread and proceeded to throw up everything she had for dinner.

While my mom was cleaning up the mess, all I could do was hold her tight and cry. I knew I did the right thing instinctively, but to be that close was horribly scary. She had bread (toasted this time) again with dinner last night, and we all agreed the biggest culprit was the stuffy nose, so she had no passageway to get oxygen. All the more reason to be within range whenever your children are eating.

Sick little girl

I swear Ellie has been sick pretty much constantly ever since I went back to work. I am all for germs, get her little immune system working on overdrive, but it's just so hard to watch. Her first few colds were mainly snotty noses, and then she had a viral infection complete with a fairly high fever over the Fourth of July. The current cold and the last one were some snottiness, but mostly post nasal drip which creates this horrible cough. I wake up to her coughing in the middle of the night and I HATE it.

She is such a good sport though, and just smiles at me when we gets up in the morning, or after a coughing fit. Looks like we won't be going to swim lessons this weekend. :O(

Here's to hoping it will pass quickly.

This is a few weeks old, but I don't think I have any pictures of Elizabeth on here, so here is my little angel:

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

Yup, that is what Ellie is saying these days. I did get her to say Mama yesterday morning, but mostly it's either Ba Ba Ba, or Blah Blah Blahs (with a few D's thrown in there). She is starting to babble quite often, and I absolutely love it!

She has also decided that she doesn't need quite as much food as she used to, mainly bottles. She used to take 5 bottles a day, amounting to anywhere from 25-30oz a day. Now, I HOPE to get her 4 bottles, and some days she is ingesting close to 18oz. I just hate being worried that she is getting everything she needs. Believe me, she loves food, just solid food, and will literaly push the bottle away. I have to FORCE it back to her mouth and remove her hands from the sides of the bottle.

Little stinker!

Teething, for real this time

So, I could have sworn that Elizabeth was teething for the past, oh, 3 months, but I think it is finally upon us. She had a pretty rough day yesteday, just out of sorts. I have heard horror stories of the poop associated with teething, and I am pretty sure that is what is going on right now. The best part is that she has been pooping in the middle of the night, or early morning, so we are 'pleasantly' surprised at what we find when we go and get her up.

It was raining yesterday so we didn't go on our morning walk, and went grocery shopping at 7:30am instead. Ellie fell asleep on the way home so she didn't get her breakfast. She woke up around 10 and I tried to put her in her highchair to have some pears, and then came the waterworks. I mean ALLIGATOR tears, for no reason. I pulled her out, held her close and we tried it again, with the same result. She was just not her happy-go-lucky self.

She has also started to say "mama" but usually only when she's cranky! :o) I still love it just he same. The thing is that when I tell her to say 'mama' she will move her mouth in that way, but doesn't say anything, and does this randomly through the day, which is another reason why I think she may be teething.

I sure hope this is over soon because I sure hate seeing her like this (although I was soaking up her lovey-dovey nature yesterday after her naps when she would just lay her head on my chest while playing with the strings on my hooded sweatshirt ... I didn't care that I was hungry or had to pee ... I was going to eat that up!).

Updates to follow as to when these silly little teeth make their grand entrance.

Tags

That's right, tags. My daughter LOVES tags. We were on our way home from daycare yesterday and she was totally silent the ENTIRE way home. Not sleeping, checking things out the window every once in a while, but I had a sneaking suspicion of what exactly was keeping her so quiet and when we pulled into the driveway, my suspicion was confirmed. She had found the tag on her burp cloth and had been sucking on it.

This is something we started noticing a while back that she liked the tags on her burp rags (for those that have them), but then I started noticing that she would manipulate a stuffed animal or other piece of cloth around to FIND the tag. If she sees a tag on the rag we might be washing her face with, she is immediately intrigued and reaches for it. It is actually pretty funny. The funniest part of this is that I used to do something very similar when I was a baby ... like mother, like daughter.

I sure do love watching her figure things out! :o)

I am MOMMY!

Ok, so a while ago I had posted that I felt like my daughter just didn't like me. She liked her caretaker better and didn't seem to get excited to see me. Things have changed, and I LOVE IT! Elizabeth is not clingy, she doesn't mind strangers, checks them out, and once she has deemed you as 'sufficiently normal' she will start to flirt and play. I like that she isn't clingy (yet), but I absolutely LOVE that she gets excited to see me or Mark. She has started groovin', kicking her legs bobbing her head, and when she gets excited, she starts moving both!

I was asleep on the couch on Sunday afternoon and Mark was feeding Ellie her bottle at the other end. After she was done they were playing and he lifted her enough to see me. He told me that she got the biggest smile on her face and started 'groovin' once she recognized that the big lump on the couch was mommy! :o) That made my day!

I may have a little groovin' girl, but that little groovin' girl is showing no signs of really being interested in crawling. She sits incredibly well, and has to lean pretty far to topple over these days, and even then she just maneuvers herself onto her tummy to keep playing. She will play on her tummy without getting upset, goes up and down on her hands, but hasn't really tried getting her knees up under her yet. I'm not anxious for her to be mobile quite yet (although I've already started reorganizing the kitchen so she has access to as many drawers as possible and all other untouchables will be a few locked cupboards), but it's also hard hearing about other babies crawling already. I guess she's just content doing what she's doing, so i'll wait for her to let me know when she wants to start moving more!

Emergency Room and Anxiety

Today marks the fourth time I have been to the ER in under 2-1/2 years. The first visit was in CA when I was on a business trip, passed out in my hotel room, woke up, called 911 and spent the next 5 days in the hospital being monitored for my 2nd blood clot and had a host of tests run to see why I passed out (they never did find out). Second trip was to Stevens Hospital ER where I went after having an anxiety attack in my car on I-5 on my way to the doctor (had no idea what was going on). Third while I was pregnant (Evergreen Hospital ER), about 19 weeks along, and had pain in my calf that would not go away and was worried I had another clot (there was no clot and everything was clear).

Today was the 4th time. Mark and I went on our normal walk this morning and I just couldn't shake this pain in my calf (and for further explanation, I have had 2 blood clots in the same leg, same vein. First was post surgical after my ACL reconstructive surgery, and the 2nd after I switched birth control pills - even after tests said that I would be okay and had no genetic issues. Both of which has made me hyper-sensitive to lingering pain in my left calf, even though I am on lifetime blood thinners). I was trying not to think about it too much, but my INR was a little low on Wed due to a few missed doses of medication and I just couldn't get it out of my mind. Ellie had napped and had a bottle, so we were on our way to Target to pick up a few things. I had gotten ready and sat down at the computer when all of the sudden a huge rush went into my chest. It was tight and painful, and at the same time I felt a slight release in the pain in my calf. Mark was standing right there and I told him what was going on and asked if I wanted to go to the ER. I immediately said yes and got everything together for Ellie and we were off.

On the way to the hopsital my chest was tight, I felt like I had something blocking my throat. I could breathe, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't ... I was scared.

After the negative chest exray (to make sure I hadn't thrown a clot to my lungs to cause a Pulmonary Embolism - which I did not experience with either of my clots previously) and a clear blood test, I was sent home.

Work, home, being a mommy, a wife, the ideal employee, keeping a clean house with all sorts of projects stacking up in my head, exercising daily, trying to watch what I eat, pay all the bills, making sure I take my pills every day and on time, watching my cycles, can't get pregnant while i'm on my meds, can't hurt the baby I don't yet have ... It all got to me. I will be calling my doctor when she is back on Tuesday and will most likely be going back on my anti-anxiety medication.

All I know is that I have an amazing support system. Mark didn't sign up for this, but he's not going anywhere just because I drag him to the hospital every so often. My parents are amazing and ran at the drop of a hat to come and take care of Elizabeth. I am so lucky, and despite the fact that I am a mess, I have it all together when it comes to my family.

how far between...

do you space you kids? Mark and I have been talking about that. My first reaction to having another, even if it isn't for a while that we get pregnant, is the cost of childcare for 2 kids. It's bad enough with just one ... now double that!

But really? closer together is harder at first (so I hear), but worth it in the end. My sister and I were 2-1/2 years apart and fought like you wouldn't believe (we have a much better relationship now). Do we wait until Ellie will be in school to give her a brother or a sister so that we can work on moving up in the housing market, or do we even bother thinking about that, and just have another baby in the next few years and eventually put them in the same room (once said brother or sister is sleeping through the night of course).

Oh the decisions. And you know what, as much as we may 'plan,' we are not the Master Planner, so He may have a different idea.

Still ... I wonder ...

our stupid house

So, I want to move. I want to move REALLY bad. I want a house that we can grow into, have another baby in a few years and not be cramped, I want to have a living room AND a family room, a room JUST for toys. I want space for my daughter to be able to run, and it's becomming more and more of a reality that my wish will not happen. Our house is not worth as much as we owe, and not by a little bit, but by a significant amount. Can we afford our mortgage? Yes. There are no issues there, other than the fact that I want a bigger home. I don't need anything huge, even a few hundred more square feet of room would be great. But alas, I will be stuck in my 1072sqft house until something drastic happens or we decide to short sale and rent until we are able to buy again. My fear is that even waiting a few years won't matter, we won't be able to get out of our house without a loss. Stupid.

My big girl

1/2 year old already ... 6 months since my life has been forever changed. My how time flies.

Elizabeth is eating solids like a champ! She loves her rice cereal (homemade!), eats bananas like they are going out of style, makes funny faces when she eats her green beans, started eating puffs, and is slowly moving towards 'real' food (toast, pancakes, meat). She loves to drink out of mommy's cup, and plays with her own sippy cups (and subsequently gets water EVERYWHERE), and likes to squish her hands in her food and then loves to share it with the dog (who has found out how much FUN it is having a baby in the house!).

She loves her bathtime and I cannot WAIT to get her into swim lessons, only a few more weeks and we'll be signing her up! (ugh, that means i have to get into a suit too, huh? CRAP!) She sits all by herself, but still topples over every once in a while, so we typically keep a pillow behind her. She is moving herself all over the floor, moving to the sides and backwards. We are working on the forwards, and yesterday I set something she REALLY wanted (a paper bag) just out of her reach, and she started to use her legs to try and propel herself forward. Guess that means that crawling isn't too far out.

Ellie did splendidly at the doctor's office on Tuesday, weight in at 15lbs 12oz (47% - YAY) and 25-1/2" long (42%) which is a far cry from the 2nd and 4th percentile that she was at her 1 week appointment!

It's hard to think that in 6 short months my little girl will be babbling more than she is now, pulling herself up, and maybe even walking. I can't help but start to think of what I am going to make for her cake! (and I already got her a birthday girl shirt that was on clearance at Fred Meyer ... couldn't pass it up!) Albertsons has a free cake for a first birthday, so I fully intend on getting her that cake just for her ... that will be her cake to fully destroy and (hopefully) wear from head to toe! But Betty Crocker has some of the cutest ideas, and I can't help but start peeking at ideas.

I guess it's 6 months from now, but seeing how quickly the past 6 months have passed, I can only imagine how much quicker the next 6 months are going to go!

Happy Half Birthday Elizabeth Rose Hamilton (a few days late)!

Harsh Reality

So, there is a harsh reality of being a working mom. My child doesn't like me as much as her caretaker, or at least it sure seems that way. I know she sees Nicole more than me, has other kids to play with, is constantly stimulated, but it KILLS me that she smiles more, laughs harder, and is generally happier when she's not at home.

It even seems like she likes the toys better THERE than the ones (the few we have) at home. I try not to think about it too much because I start to get emotional if I do. It's a reality of being a working mom, but it sucks! I just hope she realizes that I am doing it for her, to provide her with a home and everything she needs.

I love that little girl to death and hope she feels the same way about me.

Blessing or a Curse?

I'm not sure if Elizabeth finally rolling from her back to her tummy is a blessing or a curse. She can now roll onto her tummy to grab those darned toys behind her head, and has started pushing herself backwards as well as maneuvering in a circle while on her tummy. The cursed part of this whole process is when she decides to flip herself onto her tummy while in her crib. Oh dear heavens you would think she was being pinched the way she get mad when she does this.

It seems to only happen when she's awake in her crib and not horribly tired. Take for instance this morning. She woke up a few times (2am/4am) and we heard her talking to herself, but she put herself back to sleep. Apparently after I had left for work, she had woken up again (which is not uncommon right before we get her out of bed at 6am), but flipped herself onto her tummy. She screamed bloody murder until daddy came to rescue her which then eliminated daddy's shower time.

I just don't get how she gets so frustrated. She knows how to roll from her tummy to her back, and quickly did so every time I put her on her tummy in the bath a few nights ago. Oh well, she will learn eventually, but I can tell you this, she is not a tummy sleeper! :o)

5 months ago ... (Part 2)

Arla was my first nurse and she met us at the front desk and led us to our room, hooked me up to pitocin and chatted for some time. The contractions started kicking in pretty quickly and slowly started to progress. I used the labor ball for the first few hours until my hips hurt from sitting that way for so long. It was my goal, going into labor, to stay unmedicated the entire time, or for as long as possible. The contractions were starting to get stronger and closer together, both of which were good signs, but it also meant there wasn't as much down time between contractions. We walked the halls some, I used the bed to change up my position, and back to the ball.

My doctor came down after her last appointment to check my progress around 5:30pm. I had been on pitocin for 5 hours and figured I should have made SOME sort of progress. Her news was not what I wanted to hear. i was still about 95% effaced, but only 3cm dialated. 5 hours, 1cm. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! I started to doubt whether or not I could go without an epidural considering I was having contractions right on top of each other at this point in time.

She felt there was still a small amount of fluid in the forebag, so she broke that after her exam. It was a good thing they induced me when they did as there was little fluid left around Elizabeth, and who knows how long that had been going on.

At this point I had a new nurse, Kristen. When Arla left, she told me to expect about an hour for each cm left, so about 7 more hours of contractions before pushing. That really got me wondering my strength, but I was going to keep pushing through the pain until it was completely unbearable.

After the doctor left, the contractions started getting a little more uncomfortable, and I was starting to get naseous while they were occuring. The greatest thing my nurse did for me was stand at my side while I was contracting at the ledge of the counter and whisper in my ear, "remember, you can do anything for one minute." I kept telling myself that.

By this time, nothing was helping me get through the painful contractions so I asked the nurse to start me a bath. I got in the warm bath and was finally able to really relax between contractions. My shoulders were finally able to rest instead of holding all the tension of each contraction. Mark commented how amazing it was sitting there and watching the rolling of the muscles contracting from top to bottom each and every time.

The bath was over, I needed to change positions and worked my way out of the bathroom back into the room where I felt something was different. My nurse recognized that I knew something was going on and asked me if I was okay. It was then I told her I felt like I needed to push. Less than an hour and a half after my doctor was in the room and I was at 3cm I was 98% effaced and about 9cm dialated. Wow that was fast!

The nurse got me up on the bed to check my progress and I cannot explain what a primal feeling it was to be pushing. Your body takes over and the urge to push was incredible. From here to the end was a blur. It took a little over an hour of pushing, or not pushing. Your body is pushing, but they were telling me NOT to push the whole time. Are you kidding me?!?!

She was starting to crown when the nurse called the doctor to my room. Mark stood by my side and held my hand, but watched the whole thing. The most vivid memory is of his face when she was really starting to crown, he looked back at me after seeing her head, bright eyes, big smile, and he exclaimed, "I can see hair!"

I think they actually told me to push a total of 3 times when she came gushing out. Seriously, the doctor had just finished getting on her last glove when she came out, head, shoulder, arms and legs, everything in one push. Needless to say, the doctor was caught a little off guard, and the nurse seemed to think it was pretty funny! (she said she had never seen the doctor so flustered)

I remember looking at Mark and saying "ow" only once, and the 'ring of fire' that is used to describe the pain during birth was hardly there. She was there, she was with me, labor was done and I had survived. She was tiny and she was perfect.

Now, for my next pregnancy, I think I might just have to camp out at the hospital a week before my due date if my first labor was only 7.5 hours (2.5 after full breaking of the water). It was scary because it was unknown, but I would willingly do it all over again!

Thumper

Elizabeth is usually in bed between 6:30 and 7 nowadays and we wake her around 6am. She may not cry at night anymore, but I don't think she sleeps the 11 hours straight. Why, you ask? Because she thumps. When I put her to bed at night, she is usually awake, but definitely tired. She has to have her blanket (which she subsequently pulls over her head and falls asleep this way) and then she lifts her legs up high and slams them down on the crib. And she does this over, and over, and over until she falls asleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night for various reasons anymore, the dog in the kitchen, the neighbor getting home from work at 2am, or thumping. I swear that girl thumped from 3-5am this morning. Again, no peeps, no talking, no moaning, groaning or crying, just thumps.

She isn't crying out which is the best part, and has learned how to entertain herself without needing a pacifier (which she pretty much gave up about a month ago ... doesn't care for it anymore), a bottle or mommy. But I can only take so much thumping as it causes me to have to wake up more fully in the middle of the night to actually figure out what the noise is.

Maybe I should just close her door completely before going to bed and hope that helps stifle the noise.

I just think it's funny that I have a little bunny rabbit in the room across the hall, entertaining herself by thumping her legs in bed! I love that girl, even if she did keep me awake for much of the early morning before my alarm went off. :)

5 months ago ... (Part 1)

I can't believe it's been 5 months already. 5 months since I gave birth to the most amazing little person. In some ways it seems like just yesterday and others, eons ago.

I find myself thinking back to that day often. Mostly when i'm driving to or from work for some reason, I just think about the emotions, the pain, the will to get through labor to meet this little person I had been harboring for 9 months. It's something I don't ever want to forget. So, since I have yet to write out my birth story, I will post it here.

Friday night, Feb 12th I starte to have contractions, coming irregularly and not horribly strong, but they weren't going away. Mark and I even went on a late night walk, complete with a flashlight, to try and get the contractions to either stop, or progress. Well, they didn't stop, and 18 hours later we were in triage being told to go home. 1 hour after getting home, they stopped.

Monday night I had contractions again, this time they were a little more intense, around 5 minutes apart, but never got much worse and they started to go away on our drive into work.

Despite the fact that the contractions were gone, I called my doctor's office to let them know what was going on, and make sure I was doing all the right things. When on the phone with the nurse she asked if my water had broke, and I responded 'no, but I have had constant wetness in my underwear.' She suggested we come in just to make sure everything was okay. Now, as a side note, I had 'leaking' for much of my pregnancy, but always chalked it up to the inability to hold my bladder.

We got to the OB's office and my doctor was on vacation so I saw the on call doctor for her, and I knew right away that I didn't like her. She was Asian, and had a very thick accent. i'm sure she was good at what she does, but she didn't have the best bedside manners, and she didn't know my history like my doctor did. She checked my progress and I was about 95% effaced and 2cm dialated, not much change from the weekend when I was in triage. She then performed a test to make sure I wasn't losing amniotic fluid. Well, I was, which meant immediate induction.

Mark and I kinda looked at each other with a little bit of shock and awe that this was happening so quickly. We had just been at work that morning, and it was a good thing we had both turned our computers completely off! We called our parents and headed to check into L&D and was checked in at about 12:30pm.

Life as a working mommy ...

So, I figured I would start this blog to discuss my life. My life juggling being a wife, a mother, and a career woman, all rolled into one. I am *cough* slightly OCD, despise a dirty house, and wonders what I did with all my free time before having a baby.

So, today my husband and I decided to switch our work schedules. He had been working his normal 5:30/6am to around 2:30 and I was working 8-5. This staggering of our schedules allowed for Elizabeth to be in childcare for less time. We wake her at 6, get her dressed, fed, in the car and to child care around 7:15/7:30 and picked up between 3 and 3:30.

This works great, what didn't work great was my 1/2 of the bargain. I would leave work as early as possible to get on the road for my 45 minute commute home. Once I got home I would quickly change into sweats and take Elizabeth. By that time, she was starting to get cranky, and there were days she didn't even care to see me. I would try and get something ready for dinner (or Mark would perhaps have something laid out if we were so proactive as to have our dinner menu for the week written out) while putting Ellie in her highchair, warming up a cube of her cereal. I'd sit down and try to get one or two spoonfuls of cereal in her mouth before she got too cranky and only wanted to chew on her bib or the washcloth. At this point I might have about 10 minutes to let her be content eating her bib so I could get dinner partially started.

This next part actually changed about a week or two ago. I used to deal with a very cranky baby around 5 or 6 which made for a long evening, and difficult to be excited to spend time with her as well as prepare dinner. After starting to read the book 'Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child,' I decided an earlier bedtime was necessary, and it was the trick. If Elizabeth doesn't get a bath, she is changed into her pjs by around 6, and a bottle is made. She is done eating and in bed not much later than 6:45 anymore (and she sleeps until 6am!). The change killed me coming home at 5:30/6pm. I couldn't handle not spending time with her as well as the stress of making sure we were all well fed and to give daddy a break since he was home with her for the 2 hours previous.

Something had to change, thus the flipping of our schedules. Working 6-3 is not a problem for me, and was my schedule before having Ellie, it's Mark that is going to have to adjust.

This is just another one of those changes/sacrifices/compromises that has to be made as a married couple with a baby. Just another of many more to come.