Merry Christmas!

A passing thought as I stood in church at Christmas Eve Service last night ... this is the first Christmas in 3 years that I have not technically been pregnant.  Kinda weird.

Failure

It seems as though there are a lot of 'great reminder' posts being passed around on Facebook.  Mom's writing to other moms that 'it's okay to not have it all together' and 'we can't all be perfect.' I read each of those articles and start to feel better about myself, and then something happens, life.

I woke up this morning, rolled over and pushed the 'snooze' button praying for at least another 10 minutes of sleep.  I rolled out of bed to hop in the shower as usual after my alarm went off for the second time.  Got my hair done and entertained Cole while waiting for his bottle and then it was time for me to get dressed.  4 outfits and 20 minutes later I was no closer to being dressed other than the pair of pants I was wearing.  Each outfit hugged my muffin top too much or showed the wear of my shirt a little more than I wanted.  The sweater was nicer than the undershirt or it made me look like a marshmallow.  Now, I know we all have those days, but it's become increasingly frustrating looking in my closet.  I see all the clothes I haven't touched since before I had Elizabeth, the ones that looked great when I was down to the smallest I had been (thanks to Weight Watchers!).  I tried to get back down after Ellie, and then I got pregnant, well, sorta, I mean, I guess I was, and then I wasn't.  Only 6 months after that I was pregnant again with Cole, so losing any more weight was impossible.

Now, here I am, almost 9 months post partum (9months on, 9 months off, right?) and looking at still having 10-15lbs to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with Cole, let alone another 10 to where I was before getting pregnant before Elizabeth.  I work out at least 4 days a week (usually 5 or 6), 2 days with a personal trainer doing strength training and the others focusing on cardio workouts, and yoga one night a week.  I rarely eat food prepared from a bag, lots of fresh food in our house, chicken, veggies, whole grain, whole wheat, (and a few sweets), but healthy for the most part.  I have tracked my food, I have tried a meal plan, and yet I sit here, wanting so badly to unbutton my pants to release the tension my stomach  pooch has created.

Now, weight is just one aspect (a large one I might add), but I feel crazy as of late as well.  I am still on my medication for post partum, and it scares the begeezees out of me to think of going off of them right now.  I ended up in the ER about a month ago after passing out while driving home from work.  Luckily I had pulled off the freeway as I felt it coming on, but after ruling out all sorts of potential issues in the ER there was no apparent cause, but I think it had to do with anxiety.  I also forgot to add my crazy pills to my pill box the other week and on day 2 or 3 of not taking them ... HOLY SHIT! ... yah, I can see why you have to wean yourself off those things!  NOT COOL!  I have felt so out of it lately, not being able to focus, I can't remember names or projects I'm working on at work (I completely blanked on both a name and a big project I was working on just yesterday, all in a matter of hours).  The only thing I am confident of these days is the fact that I can come home and make dinner for my family, get the kids bathed, fed, and maybe clean up the house.  Is this just mommy brain?  Will it get better or do I need more medication?  I feel like a failure not being able to balance all that i'm supposed to be balancing.

I don't know what I need to do, but something has to change.  Living like this right now is not enjoyable.  I feel crazy, I feel scatterbrained, I feel like I have little to no control, and yet I have so much to be in control of.  It will get better, right?

A Good Reminder ...

In the craziness that is my life, this was posted by my dad on Facebook yesterday and it was a good reminder of what is really important ...

The Mayonnaise Jar and the 2 Beers -


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly pick

ed up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Utter Exhaustion

How has 6 months come and gone so quickly?  I have Cole's 1/2year checkup next week and I am anxious to find out his 'official' stats.  He is a big boy for sure, wearing 12 and 18mo size clothing right now and unofficially weighing in around 21lbs.  He is such a smiley little guy and is ALL cheeks for sure!  He is a total mamas boy and thinks his sister is pretty hilarious (which keeps both of them entertained!!).  He babbles ALL the time and my favorite is when he lays in his crib in the morning and just talks, I can't help but smile!  Sitting like such a big boy and rolling over (only from back to front right now) and making some strides towards scooting around the floor!

But sleep, oh precious sleep, how I have missed you.  Cole's bedtime is around 6:45-7pm, and he used to sleep until 4:30, or sometimes until we would wake him up.  In the past 3 weeks though, he's decided he wants to get up closer to 3am.  Now, it's hard to be too mad when I walk in, turn on the night light, and a big huge grin with big big brown/blue eyes are staring up at me, but really, 3am?!?  I will change him, feed him, and put him back to bed and pray he goes back to sleep quickly.  Most mornings he does, but if this schedule is off a little, or in the case of a few days ago, he blew out his diaper, which also required a sheet change, it sure makes the morning that much more unbearable.  I put him back to bed between 3:30 and 4, crawl back in bed, and my first alarm goes off at 4:35.  1 week of this was bad, the 2nd week I could hardly drive the kids to daycare and in to work without fighting sleep, but this 3rd week, I'm delirious.

Unfortunately there is not much time for a nap as here is my day:

4:35 - first alarm
4:45 - get up and shower
5:15-5:30 - wake up Ellie and get her to go potty and decide what to wear for the day
5:45-6 - get kids packed into the car and head to daycare
7 - walk into work
3:30-4:30 - leave work
4-5 - walk into the house
5-8:30/9 - put away my stuff, start laundry (especially if one or both of the kids had a clothes change at daycare), get dinner started, feed Cole (if Mark can't), pick up house, possibly vacuum, play with Ellie while dinner is not needing attention, clean as many dishes as possible while MAKING dinner, take Ellie to the bathroom (this can take a while), finish dinner, serve it to the family, hope I can sit at the table with the rest of the family, {if bath night} bath for Cole while Ellie and daddy are eating, change him into pjs, get his bottle ready and feed him, get Ellie into bath, if I haven't eaten dinner yet, I wait for Mark to finish with Ellie so I can eat dinner while he feeds Cole, put Cole to bed, read books to Ellie, brush teeth, wash hands, go to the bathroom, nighttime prayer for Ellie, come back out to kitchen to finish cleaning and putting away food, start to prepare food for next day's lunches, switch laundry as needed, sit down on the couch to play a few Words with Friends or Scramble with Friends before pulling up a DVRd show, then off to bed by 8:30 or 9.
*sigh*

I have also made a pretty big decision for myself in realizing that I am NOT and CANNOT be supermom, and I have hired a house cleaner.  She will only be coming over once a month to do more of the deep clean as I keep our house picked up and surface clean pretty well, but the bathrooms, kitchen, and dusting just don't get done as they should around our house, and to me, it's more important to spend the time on the floor playing with blocks with my kids instead of in the kitchen with a rag and cleaner.

Life is a challenge, a constant juggle, and it's hard trying to be the best I can be as a wife, a mother, a worker, and find time to spend either alone time or time with friends (this is such a small sliver of my life right now, that probably needs to be remedied), but it's my life, and I can't help but smile when I think of what an amazing family I have.  I am truly blessed.

My Poor Baby ...

It has been such an emotional roller coaster the last few days.  Cole was not himself last week and we knew he wasn't feeling 100% but Wed night Mark noticed a white spot in Cole's mouth where his molars would be.  I just didn't feel comfortable with the situation so I ran him up the hill to the walk-in clinic.  After almost 3 hours at the office we got the thumbs up that it was probably just a little virus and we were good to go on our trip the next morning.

After a long night of Cole waking up every few hours we got up to go to the airport early on Thursday morning.  While we were in Utah Cole just seemed to not feel well.  Between crying, not eating very well (wouldn't eat more than a few ounces at a time, when it was the norm to eat as much as 12oz in one sitting), and waking every hour at night I knew things weren't going well.  The white spot in his mouth was getting worse and I found another spot that was in a different location.  Mommy instinct told me to take him in to the Pediatric Walk in clinic that is associated with the ped office my sister takes her kiddos to.  There he had a fever of 101.4 and after an examination the doctor decided to pull a CBC, Urinalysis and both a urine and blood culture.  The poor guy had to have both arms poked to be able to get blood.  We were sent home and told it was a virus, and I felt better as this doctor gave me a full explanation of what she saw and what she thought it meant.

We went up the next day to Park City to watch the ski jump aerials and I got the phone call from the ped office that Cole's blood culture came back positive and we needed to get him to the Children's Hospital ER as quickly as possible.  Thank goodness we had 2 cars up at PC so we ushered the big kids into the van and my brother-in-law drove them back to the house for lunch and a movie marathon while my sister drove Mark and I to the hospital.  As I sat in the back seat of the car next to Cole, all I could do was watch him sleep and start praying that he would be okay.

In the ER my little guy was poked and prodded to get an IV into his little chubby hands, they blew 2 veins on one hand and had to get the IV team into the room to finally get it in his other hand (they said he was just so 'healthy' they had to go a little deeper than normal).  He was moved to another room to stay overnight for observation while the 2nd culture was brewing.  Blood tests, multiple xrays, lots of doctors, nurses, and techs, beeping machines, antibiotics, and IV flushes filled the last day of our vacation.

We didn't sleep much that night between the poor guys little mouth sores that made it hard to eat, to sleeping for only an hour at a time because he was hungry.  It was (and still continues to be) a vicious cycle that just broke my heart.

My sister was with me as much as she could, holding and snuggling my little man, and giving me a chance or two to step out of the hospital room to run to the cafeteria and just 'escape' the confines of the 4 walls.

As I sat in our room, which had a window that looked out to the entrance of  the hospital, I had to hold back tears as I watched a little boy and, what I assumed to be, his father walk out to the fountains while dragging along a rolling pole covered in bags of solutions, medicine, electronic monitors, all attached to this little guy.  His bright red shirt didn't lay flat as all the wires attached to his trunk were coming out from underneath and his dad helped him remove his shoes and roll up his pants to wade in the water for a few minutes before heading back into the hospital.  As I turned back around to see my little guy sleeping in his crib I had to thank the Lord that we were here for something treatable and that I could take him home soon.

I am completely exhausted and have to fight back tears when I hold my little man tight as he's crying in pain/hunger/exhaustion but things are getting better every day.

The diagnosis ended up being a version of the Coxsackie virus (which causes hand foot mouth) and, according to my research, he should be on the mend now, but hopefully be back to his smiley little self in another few days.  I have been lucky enough to be able to do some work from home which has been great as I don't have many sick days left at this time, and my boss has been completely supportive.

All in all, it was a crappy vacation.  My little man should NOT have to go through what he went through both in fighting this nasty virus as well as being poked and prodded in the hospital, but I continue to be very thankful that he is just fine and that, unlike so many other children, he got to come home and will be back to his normal self soon.

Life is good. Finally.

I had a pretty rough road after Cole was born.  Between dealing with his crazy eating patterns, Ellie's tantrums and need for my attention, and just not really enjoying being home, I am finally in a good place.

Right before I returned to work I started back up on my blood thinners that need monitoring (versus the shots that I was on during pregnancy and for the first few months after Cole was born) and was encouraged by my mom and sister to talk to my doctor at the same time about postpartum depression.  I had some after I had Ellie, and a little anxiety when I went back to work, but it all evened out.  This time around I guess I realized that I had hardly enjoyed my 3 month off, I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I had a hard time being excited about anything, I couldn't focus, even on a simple TV show, and the list of 'to-dos' was only getting longer and longer.

After taking some simple questionnaires for both depression and anxiety, it was quite clear I needed to deal with some issues.  My doctor prescribed me some medication and, I'm not joking, the first day I took them, I felt like a new woman.  I felt like I could smile again, enjoy my family, get up out of bed in the morning and be productive on a much more regular basis.

I have been on the meds now for about 3 weeks and things are going well.  A few side effects i'm going to have to watch to make sure they don't get any worse, but I can't tell you how nice it feels to be happy again and have a spring in my step, even when dealing with a defiant 2 year old and a crying baby!

In other news, I am now the proud parent of a partially potty trained 2-1/2 year old.  We decided to make the hard cutover from diapers to big girl panties and, though we've had some accidents, she refused her 'just in case panties' (pull-ups) and stayed dry all night in her big girl undies!  I am so proud of her and can't believe how big she is getting!  Funny story about the process though.  We went to Target to pick out some new panties (I had some at home, but had been warned I would go through many more than I expect).  I showed Ellie all the Disney princess, Tangled, Minnie Mouse and Dora underwear, but what did she end up picking out?  Cars, Nemo, Incredibles, and Monsters Inc underwear ... complete with the little boy opening in the front!  She has yet to chose one of those pairs out of her dresser, but I figure it won't hurt since i'll be holding on to them for her brother!

Okay, back to work, but figured I should post at least a little bit about life with 2 and a full time job!  Lots of things are on the horizon for our family and depending on how things turn out, I'll write a post about it all in the near future (no, no baby, other things!).

One more week.

I return to work in one more week and my emotions are mixed.  I feel as though I had a much harder time enjoying my maternity leave this time around.  With a son who was stuck to my boob or crying for the first month and a half, and the other month and a half has been so unpredictable, along with a 2 year old who has gone through her motions of jealousy and typical 2-year old tantrums, it has been draining. 

I want to take off more time.  I want to be around for the 'magical' 3-month shift of my son where he starts 'figuring things out' a little more.  Ellie and I are starting to understand one another a little more, and she understands what I say is what I mean and I will follow through on my consequences for not obeying.  I want to join a MOPS group and go to the park with other moms, talk about the hardships of raising kids and laugh at the similarities in our lives.

Yet on the other hand I am CRAVING a schedule.  I want to have a set time to work out every day (during my lunch hour, and I can't WAIT to get back to my Strength and Conditioning Class!) so I can start feeling better (another blog post that I could go off on ... how this post baby body is going nowhere!).  I want to get up every morning and shower (not sure how my body - and hair - is going to react to being showered every day).  I want that feeling of accomplishment that comes with going to work and having an impact on the direction of the company and knowing that your knowledge and insight is shaping the future.  I need to BS with my coworkers and commiserate about everything from the weather to the 'guy that sits in the far corner who butts into everyone's business.'

It has taken almost 3 months to get to where we are today, much more comfortable as a family of three so I can only hope it won't take a full 3 months to get used to being a working mommy of 2 kids.  I am lucky to work for a company and a boss who is extremely family oriented, as well as going back to work with summer hours already in full swing (most people are out of the office by lunch time on Fridays).

I am going to do my best to savor this last week along with trying not to freak out about what is to come.  I know that both Monday and Tuesday of next week will be a lot of preparation, and this weekend doesn't allow much of a break (which I so desperately need and cannot seem to get a break) as Mark is gone all day on Saturday at a softball tournament, but I will keep my chin up and pray for an easy transition.

Every Child is different, but really?!?

I have less than 3 weeks before I go back to work and I just don't know what to do with my little man.  I don't think I had Elizabeth on a strict schedule, but it was pretty set and she was quite laid back.  Fast forward 2 years and her little brother is so not like that.  He goes to bed around the same time every night (8/8:30) but I have no idea how long he will sleep (last night was 7 hours thank goodness), it could be 5 hours, or the other day he went 10.5.  I can handle getting up once in the middle of the night, but it's the daytime that threw me into tears while on the phone with my mom yesterday.

He gets up in the morning and trying to get him to go 3 hours between feedings without going into a fit is quite the task.  Sometimes he will be awake, perfectly happy for a while, I put him in his swing or bouncy seat, he'll be perfectly fine, sometimes even fall asleep, but that doesn't last.  Around the 2 hour mark from when I fed him last he starts to get fussy.  I try the pacifier, which he'll sorta take, but spit it out soon after, I'll try walking around bouncing him, which I can only do for so long, then I give in, make a bottle and start to feed him.  He will look like he's eating, so I pull it out to burp, realize he's eaten but a few drops, at that time he either falls asleep, or looks up at me smiling and cooing.  REALLY? 

As I am fighting a nasty head cold right now, all I wanted yesterday was a nice hot shower.  I had fed Cole, he was asleep in my arms, transferred him to his bouncy seat, still asleep, so I went into the back of the house to shower.  I took my time and prayed he was still sleeping when I came back out.  No luck.  I had a SCREAMING baby, to the point that when I picked him up, the back of his head was sweaty from crying so hard and so long. 

I obviously can't hold him all day long, and I eventually got him to nap in the boppy on the couch (don't tell boppy as it clearly states not to let them sleep on it, but it worked, so I wasn't moving him) late in the afternoon, but I am such a loss as to figuring him out.  I know that the gals at daycare will take him for who he is and his personality and work with it, but I just hate feeling like I have to be in the car, stroller, or holding him to keep him at least sorta happy.  Praying that I continue to just take one day at a time and that, one day in the near future, things will fall into place and Cole will learn how to be on his own, happy, for a decent amount of time.

Now to make breakfast for the big sister and work on ridding myself of this darned cold!

The Plight of the Working Mother?

I feel like I'm in such an odd place right now.  I am currently a stay at home mom with two little ones.  As Cole stretches out his feedings I don't feel quite as stuck at home, but preparing to go out with the two of them is a little daunting at times as you never know what you are going to get with a 2 year old!  I would love to do things with other moms in my situation, say, MOPS, but I am going back to work in a short 4 weeks.  I have a few friends I can make play dates with, and the few we have had were WONDERFUL not only for Elizabeth, but for me.  I need adult time, and it's really hard to get it these days.

This maternity leave has give me a greater realization that I'm lonely.  When I go to work every day I have adult interaction, we'll grab a drink after work every so often, but I don't call them up on the weekend to run to the mall or to plan a day to get our nails done just chatting and grabbing a coffee.  I have been so busy for the past 2 months that I haven't thought about it too much, but now I need some friendship and it's really hard.  It's not that I don't have friends, but my closest friends are a little farther away and have their life they are fully busy with.  Now, if only my sister lived closer, we would be a force to recon with.

This weekend Mark and I ran over to a friend's garage sale we had donated to (she is raising money for the 3-day walk) and everyone there was trashed.  As we drove away after staying for a short 10 minutes we realized that we were lonely as a couple as well.  We could only think of one other couple that are in the same place in life as we are.  We have tickets to the M's game for this weekend and trying to think of who to invite, our list was pretty short.

I don't write this to get pity as we need to do things to plug ourselves into things to find us new friends, but I write it to acknowledge that it's hard being a working mom and a 2 income family. The time we have when we get home is precious with our kids, and our weekends are spent doing things around the house we didn't get done during the week, but how do you balance that with feeding the need for relationships?

Change in Plans

So, I've had the title to this post created for almost a week now.  Anyways, things have changed quite a bit in the last two weeks.  I was about at my wits end nursing every 2 hours for almost an hour and still having a fussy baby.  One afternoon I was just over it (and working out my 2nd clogged duct, resulting in a caked breast this time - ouch!) and decided to give Cole a small bottle of formula and my whole world changed.  He was so much happier and content.

From that point on I struggled, I REALLY struggled with what to do.  Do I work on getting him to nurse long enough to get what he needs , but he's sleeping at night, so I'm doing something right, or do I start to supplement to help with my state of mind and hopefully free up some of my time to spend with Elizabeth?  Once I decided that it was okay to supplement (I know it's OK, I just had a really hard time coming to terms with it all as I had been so pleased that for 6 weeks I hardly gave Cole a bottle with breast milk and didn't even cross my mind to do formula).  I decided to start pumping 3 times a day, giving Cole a bottle of breast milk before finishing up with formula at most feedings (as long as there is milk in the fridge, that's what he will get first) and things are so much better.  My fussy baby is gone, even when he has gas he's not furiously crying like he was before, and his less fussy state has given me more time with Ellie and I can tell she has missed time with her mommy.  One of the first days I decided to do this process, Cole was sleeping and we were in the kitchen.  She bumped her knee which promptly needs a kiss from a mommy or a daddy, so she came over for a curing kiss.  I gave her knee a kiss and then a hug, and her arms SQUEEZED my neck and she just didn't want to let go.  I felt so bad that for 6 weeks I had essentially neglected her because I was nursing ALL DAY LONG.

Things are much better for all of us and Cole doesn't even mind the swing, which he hated previously as well as the vibrating chair.  He is currently smiling (yup, started smiling - love it!!) and playing on his play mat, batting at the toys over his head!  Can't believe that he's 7-1/2 weeks old and that I'm going back to work in a little over a month ... crazy to think it's gone by that fast!

Well, I finally got this post written, now it's off to vacuum up dog hair and make sure I have everything out of the freezer for dinner.

One Lucky Mama

I post this as I sit in a quiet house.  Both my babies are taking naps, and this has been going on for almost a week now.  Not only does my son take a mid-day nap the same time as his sister, but he is getting better at sleeping at night.  Last night he ate at 8, took about an hour or so (that is quite the improvement as well considering it took us almost an hour and a half to eat before bedtime a week ago), and then slept until 3:15.  Over 6 hours straight.  He ate again, about 45 minutes, and then slept until 7:30.  I have been so lucky to be blessed with 2 good sleepers.  Now, if only Elizabeth would have gotten the memo this morning as she decided to wake up at 4:45, so I got about a half hour sleep after feeding Cole.  Thank God for Finding Nemo!  Mark started the movie while he was getting ready for work so I could at least rest a little longer in bed.

Cole is still pretty fussy during the day.  He has his moments of being calm and awake, but those are usually interrupted by crying 30-45 minutes later.  We are dealing with gas, smelly gas too, so I'm trying to see what is in my diet that might be causing it, but he's not having reflux issues, or sleeping issues, just fussy and gassy, so I'm not going to cut everything out of my diet.

Well, there is the little one ... gotta go!

1 Month Check-up

Well, my little guy weight 8lbs 13oz and is 22" long, so tall and thin, just like his daddy! He's gaining weight and growing fine, but he gotten a really bad case of baby acne over the last week and a half, and the doctor today suspects it's more than just baby acne and could potentially be a reaction to something. We use fragrance free/dye free laundry detergent and dryer balls instead of scented sheets, so it's not that, so the fun process starts of cutting foods out of my diet to see if that helps. He is also colicky (spelling?), and the doctor said that it could just be his nature, or it could be linked to a food. Either way, it is very draining right now. He will eat, takes about 45 minutes to nurse, will be calm/sleep for about an hour, and then wake up crying for the next hour in which I can hardly get him calmed down. I change positions, rock him, bounce him, put him in the swing, in the bouncy/vibrating seat, use the pacifier, etc, nothing seems to work for any length of time. I am hoping it could possibly be linked to my antibiotics (which I finally ended a few days ago) and I started cutting out chocolate the last few days so we'll see if that works, but I am exhausted.

I am handling it well (as well as can be expected), but Mark is not. He will try and give me a break in the evenings and he just can't seem to handle it, so it's back to work for me. I am praying that this will pass sooner than later as I am starting to get emotionally and physically exhausted. Hoping we turn a corner here soon!

4 Weeks Old

I feel like there are so many things I have wanted to blog, but just haven't taken the time. So, I am going to tell you what I can think of right off the top of my head. First, a big deal ... I have not changed a poopy toddler diaper in almost a week! Ellie has gone poop in the potty every day for almost a week, and it's GREAT! We are still working on the pee, but again, I am not going full out on this whole thing as I don't have the time/energy, but we are moving in the right direction for sure!!! Cole is finally starting to spread out his feedings, so we are at 2.5-3 hours from start to start instead of the 2 hour mark which was keeping me landlocked in the house as he feeds for around 45 minutes. Last night was a good night, only 1 time getting up in the middle of the night, but for the most part it's been 2 times, so still not bad. We are still working on what is best for him in terms of sleeping swaddled, on his tummy, etc. It may have been a fluke, but I put him on the floor to have some tummy time last night, and within a minute, he rolled over! Now, I am not surprised as this little guy is STRONG! He holds his head up like a pro and his legs are freakishly strong! Also, Mark and I unofficially measured him last night and he has grown almost an inch and a half in 4 weeks! No wonder he isn't chubbing up yet, he's growing UP instead! Well, the little one is awake next to me and big sister will be waking up from her nap anytime soon, I will update more later, but it's amazing how after 4 weeks life is seeming a little more normal and I think I can handle this 2-kid thing! :o)

Quick Update

So, I have little time to update this blog. Right now my daughter is (finally) in bed after sitting outside her door as she tried escaping for almost a half hour (while feeding Cole at the same time - guess it's time for some sort of way to keep her locked in her room!) and Cole is sleeping on the couch next to me.

I should be sleeping, especially since I am now fighting my second infection since he was born. I had an ear infection which resulted in a burst ear drum less than a week after Cole's birth, and after 10 days of antibiotics, I am now on another 10 days of drugs for mastitis. I am so worn out.

I will try and update more later. Feeding is going fabulously (such a difference from Ellie), Cole knows his days and nights and last night was our best in terms of stretches of sleep, and Elizabeth is adjusting to life with a little brother and realizing that daddy is the one who can give her more of the time and attention right now which is hard, but I can't express how much I appreciate Mark. I have always appreciated him, but I could tell him every hour how much I love and appreciate his help and that wouldn't be enough, he is my rock and I am so lucky to have him in my life and the father of my children!

Off to rest my weary body.

The Birth - Part II

It was around 3am when we got to our room. I had to be hooked up to monitor the baby for 20 minutes before I would be allowed to walk about and labor freely. I lay down on the bed, got hooked up, and about 10-15min later, I had a really good contraction and *pop* - my water broke. Mark looked at me with a funny look as he heard the pop on the monitor for Cole's heartbeat and I told him he needed to go get the nurse.

From this point on, things get a little blurry so I am having to confer with my husband as to what exactly happened as it was such a whirlwind.

About 5-10 minutes after my water broke, my contractions kicked up significantly and I started to feel more of an urge to push. My nurse started getting help to get the warmer unit and all the necessities into the delivery room, so 3 nurses and a stand-by doctor were running around our room getting things set up. They had called the midwife who was the on call for our office, but she was busy so the stand-by doctor was sitting there in case something happened.

All I know is that from this point on there was a lot of telling me to push, a few quiet moments to try and relax and then they started talking about getting a doctor to come in with a vaccuum and the nurses were trying to figure out if it was Cole that was stressed if it was me. They put an oxygen mask on me as well as a pulse monitor while the midwife was working on getting Cole out. Come to find out, he was trying to come out with his head turned which I was unable to push out and in turn he was getting stressed and his heartrate was dropping. The midwife finally got his head turned and it was only a push or two after that he came out. Once his shoulders were through Mark was able to help pull him out and lay him on my chest, something I know he will never forget!

It was less than an hour from the time my water broke to when he was born, and my doctor who visited us Monday morning before being discharged told me that it was 14 minutes from completion (I believe this is when I was fully dilated and effaced) to delivery. As she said, thank goodness I was at the hospital when my water broke!

Cole weighed in at a whopping 7lbs 15oz, 2oz shy of being 2lbs bigger than his big sister, and is over 21in long, which is 3in longer than his big sister. Breastfeeding has seemed so natural this time as he has latched on SO well, I am a little sore, but no cracking, bleeding, and my milk is already coming in.

I will update more on his foot as well as some concerns we might be having on hematomas that he has on his head from trying to come out sideways when we know more (in the next week or so). But he is here, his big sister loves him to death and it's going to be a lot of work, but i'm already taking to this mommy of two thing pretty well!

He's here! - Part I

I figure I should write out the birth story before 1) I forget and 2) Elizabeth comes home and I can't find time to even brush my teeth.

Yes, Cole is here, he is absolutely perfect and I am so happy!

Friday I went in to see my doctor to check my cervix for the induction on Monday. If I wasn't dilated to at least a 2 they would have to order up a foley (sp?) to get things moving Sunday night before even starting the pitocin. I went in and my doctor checked, and for the first time the check was pretty uncomfortable. She said I was just barely 2cm dilated, but enough that we would just proceed with the Monday induction and she stripped my membranes one last time.

I went back to work after my appointment and left early after saying my 'see ya laters' to my coworkers and came home to relax in a quiet house.

I started getting contractions late Friday night, and figured it was due to the internal + membrane stripping, but they were pretty strong, so I got up in the middle of the night and timed them for an hour or so. They weren't consistent, so I figured it was silly to try and walk around the house in the middle of the night, so I decided to go back to bed and at least get some sleep. My contractions continued through the night and into the morning. I would go and time the contractions every few hours but they were consistently inconsistent being 5-7min apart for 45 minutes and then they would stop for 20 minutes and kick back in at 8-10min apart.

After doing this all morning we decided to run to Costco and get some necessary shopping done as I was tired of sitting at home anyways. I had a good couple contractions in Costco, so we went right from Costco to my parents house to drop off Ellie and call L&D to see if I should come in. They said I should come in and away we went.

Contractions continued to be inconsistent but between 7-9min apart. To get to the point, they checked me and I was only dilated to about 3cm, my cervix was soft, but still pretty thick. The nurse gave me the option of going walking for a few hours and then come back, or just go home. I didn't figure it was worth walking around for a few hours, so we decided to just go home. I was in tears, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

We went back to my parents and picked up Ellie, said we would hold on to her for the night and then she would go back to Nana and Papa's on Sunday for the Monday induction.

Mark wanted to watch a movie so we pulled up Netflix streaming and decided to start Iron Man 2 to get our minds off of everything and just relax. I laid on the couch next to Mark and my contractions subsided enough to relax for a bit. I was just too tired to sit through the rest of the movie so I decided to draw a bath and go to bed.

Between 11-12pm I was having contractions, good enough that I was moaning through them, they would wake me up and then I would slip back into a semi-sleep. They became a part of my dream that was like Iron Man 2 and when anyone said the 'trigger word' I would have a contraction. I started to realize that every time I was waking up with contractions the hour was not changing on the clock, it was 11:something and then I would wake up again and it was 11:something, over and over. At this point I decided to get up, go to the bathroom and start timing contractions again. 4-5 min apart for 30 min was enough for me to get Mark out of bed, get the car ready and everything ready to drop off Ellie and call L&D again.

I was told to come into the hospital and we called my parents to meet us there to do the baby swap (I got an 'I told you so' from my mom who had offered to take her that night - she had a feeling). We went in and I was checked around 1:15am and was dilated to 3.5. The nurse wasn't very confident in admitting me as I was only possibly .5cm more dilated than the day before, and it was a different person, so she said we could walk for an hour and come back. I wasn't going home, so we chose to walk the halls of the hospital for an hour.

We were back after an hour and I was so prepared for the bad news, but I had dilated another cm and we were on our way to a room! FINALLY!!

Hypocrite - that's me!

With only days to go before my due date I sit here completely conflicted. I called my doctor yesterday to set up an induction date, which is something I really didn't want to do, but for so many reasons I knew it was what I needed to do. At my 39 week appointment on Monday I was dilated to a 3 at the bottom of my cervix and a 1.5 at the top, and she didn't mention if I was anymore effaced than I was a week prior (75%). She also asked if I felt like Cole had gotten any bigger as when I laid down I wasn't very big, but didn't seem concerned (I'm not either as I was informed with Ellie that my opening was not very large and to know this just in case there were issues that might lead to a c-section during delivery). We talked about any changes or how I was doing and that's when I just broke down into tears.

Now, tears have been quite the norm for me the last week or so. I wake up in the morning, nothing has changed, he's still inside and all I can do is cry when I stand in the shower just thinking about it all. I cry when someone asks me how I'm doing, and I don't even want to pick up the phone most of the time for fear of the questions and the impending waterfall of tears. I don't remember being like this with Elizabeth, even with all the unknowns of a first pregnancy, this one has just been too much. I know that much of it continues to have to do with the unknown of Cole's situation, and though I can't do anything about it and it's not something I dwell on, it is such the fuel for this roller coaster of emotions that I knew I had to do something.

My doctor asked me if I had any other appointments scheduled and I said that I had one for 40 weeks. She then asked me, through my tears, if I wanted to set up an induction date, or just wait until my next appointment as they would only let me go 41 weeks at the most. I know the power of pitocin and want so badly for Cole to come on his own, so I stuck my heels in and said that I would wait until my next appointment to make any decisions. As I left the doctor's office, it was all I could do to hold back tears before getting into my car where it was safe to let it all out. She had done another quick check for me for fluid leakage, which was negative, and I had another quick AFI scan to check the fluid levels due to the lower levels a week ago, and that all looked good.

As I cried on my way back to work, and then to my sister, my mom, Mark, and a few others at work, I realized that this whole thing was taking a bigger toll on me than I had wanted to believe it has been. At the honest suggestion of my sister, I decided to call my doctor back on Wednesday when she was in the office again and set up an induction date. She had already told me that my cervix was plenty favorable and that I was already progressing along that an induction was not going to be an issue, so that is what I decided to do. At this point in time, Mr. Cole has 4 days to make his entrance on his own, otherwise I will be induced on Monday. And this is where I feel like such a hypocrite.

I have been such a proponent of waiting until your baby/body tell you it's time. With Ellie I had no choice, but I felt like I had the choice with Cole, and thus far there have been no extenuating circumstances to change that, other than my mental state. I feel like I didn't do it for all the wrong reasons, but there is still a part of me that tugs at my steadfastness and says that I am messing with nature here.

The appointment has been set and I will know on Sunday what time we will be checked into L&D Monday morning (unless he decides to come earlier of course!!!), and oddly enough I have more peace. I am still an emotional wreck, and I am doing all I can to walk this baby out, stay on my feet when I get home (made dinner AND a batch of cookies last night after a nice walk with the family) and keep my mind and hands busy, but the end is in sight. Mark will be taking next week off, and my mom has spring break the week after, so the timing works out perfectly as well. And though I may be a hypocrite, my current mental state is sure a lot more manageable than it was just a day ago, and for me, that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

Not much news

Went into the office yesterday hoping that I was progressing nicely. I have continued losing small amounts of mucus, which I'm assuming to be my mucus plug, so I had assumed something was going on. The doctor asked me if I wanted my membranes swept, and told me it usually doesn't do much of anything unless you are ready, so more along if I was 2-3cm dilated. I told her to go ahead if she is able to.

She checked my progress and I had gone from a 50% to 75% effacement and from a 1cm dilation to a little over 1cm dilation. Yup, not much change. Over a week and not much change was NOT what I wanted to hear. She did the sweep, which was totally and completely painless (honestly, didn't hurt at all) and mentioned I may have some bleeding. I went home and waited. I expected to get some contractions a few hours later, as that is what happened last week after my internal exam, and, well, nothing. I was crampy much of the night, but that's about it.

Woke up this morning with some mild contractions, but didn't feel like timing anything as I knew it was only going to end in frustration. About an hour ago I had a good hour or so of mild contractions around 7-10 minutes apart, but alas, they are gone.

Had a rough morning thus far between tired of fielding phone calls and comments about how I'm doing, asking the same questions day in and day out about contractions or if anything has changed, I am ready to not be at work right now. I am still 11 days from my due date so there is no need to get excited people. Cole will arrive when he's ready, and I have a gut feeling that it will be a little while before he decides it's time.

So I continue to sit at my desk, be as productive as possible, and pray he decides to prove me wrong!

False Alarm

So, I just got back from the doctor's office, so yes, that means this baby is not coming today; well, at least this afternoon. And yes, my appointment was/still is for Wed, but I went in today to have my fluid checked. I got into work this morning, drank my cup of tea and had almost polished off an entire water bottle (24+ oz water) and went to the bathroom for the first time. This may be a little TMI, but it smelled, and not like normal smell, but very different and then I went back in the bathroom 15 minutes later and my underwear was wet, and not just a little like normal, but much more. I didn't have anything odd for dinner last night, and in fact I went to the bathroom multiple times in the middle of the night and I didn't have the same issue I did at work this morning. So, I called my doctor (who is actually out of the office today) and talked to a nurse. I monitored my moisture level for an hour and called back. At this point in time, nothing was really obvious, just a little extra I guess (which has been normal).

They ended up having me come into the office, so Mark left work in case the same situation arose as with Elizabeth. He picked me up from work and we went to my appointment. All the tests came back negative and there was a sense of relief along with feeling a little bummed. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be induced, but it would at least tell me I wasn't completely crazy about this whole thing. the doctor ordered a quick ultrasound to check fluid level and then we would know for sure. The u/s tech finished and after re-measuring, I was on the low side of normal. Her first measurement was 8.1 and the second was 8.6. 7.3 is considered too low and is in the 5th percentile, so we were getting pretty close there, considering I was over 12 just a week and a half ago. That part was a little nerve wracking, but I guess I just have to continue to wait it out to see Dr. Delorit on Wednesday afternoon to find out where I am in the grand scheme of progression and whether a membrane sweep will be called into order.

Thus, I am back at work, sitting on my butt praying for something interesting to do.

OH contractions - how I loathe thee

After the internal check on Monday, I had a nice bout of contractions which is to be expected. After a few hours of being HORRIBLY uncomfortable at work, I made it home where things started to die down. Ever since then though I have been having a handful of contractions every few hours. Not just uncomfortable, but radiating into my back and I've been feeling nauseous in between each contraction as well. SO much fun!

Luckily I am still sleeping well, and in fact I've actually be sleeping better the last week or so, but I have woken up around 4am the past 2 mornings with more contractions. This morning's was the worst yet, and was so bad that Mark rolled over to ask if I was having a contraction, which tells me I was having to breathe through it pretty good. Afterwards, my pelvis was radiating with an achy feeling, and after getting in the shower, Mr. Cole was so very low that it HURT. And yet now I sit at work with wonderful back pain and little to no more contractions. Ugh! Hopefully this just means that things aren't too far away as contractions all day long for days on end is just not fun, and it's more of a tease than anything!

Progress - 37 weeks

I'll make this quick, but I had my 37 week appointment this morning, and, after losing some of my mucus plug earlier this morning I had my internal check. As I was so worried on Friday that my cervix was still long and nothing was happening, I was dilated about 1cm, 50% effaced, and Cole's head was resting nicely on my cervix this morning. My doctor didn't strip my membranes today, but she said she could do it at our appointment next week, so I wait until next Wed for my next appointment. I guess I can just pray something happens between now and then, but at least I know something is happening. A sweet reminder that he won't be in there forever!

Meltdown

Had my last ultrasound this morning and everything looked great! So hard to see everything now that Cole is so big and squished, but he was breathing, fluid levels looked good, he's continuing to stay head down, and is running around 6-1/2 lbs (or so the ultrasound shows). My doctor said that he wouldn't expect him to gain much more than one more pound, possibly even a little less, so a very 'medium' sized baby.

At the end of the ultrasound the tech checked my cervix, which I was hoping would show signs of getting ready. And, well, no such luck. It is still nice and long. As I sat in the room after the tech left waiting for my doctor, I had all of these thoughts running through my head. My first instinct was to cry and the second was to take a deep breath and realize that I WANT things to happen when they are supposed to, not when I necessarily would like them to happen. If Cole is not ready, I am not going to make my body do anything it shouldn't.

As I left the hospital and was driving back to work, I was talking to my sister and I just fell apart. I am done. I hurt, I can't sleep, I waddle everywhere I go and I feel like a whale. I am going to do everything I can to enjoy this last part of this pregnancy as it will be my last (or that is the plan at this point in time), but it's really hard to enjoy something when all you want it to do is end. I know it will only be a few more weeks, and those few weeks are nothing compared to the many years I still have ahead of me. My prayer until the end is patience.

Potty Training and Contractions

LOL, I have to chuckle as I write that title. Yes, contractions (to start off the post), well, I think so? I had some Braxton Hicks last night that I had to breathe through a little more than normal, maybe about 3 of them in an hour and a half while I was sitting on the couch. I woke up in the middle of the night, as I normally do, but I was SO uncomfortable. It wasn't just my hips, but my stomach muscles ached. All I could think of was that I did some weird move in yoga last night and it was just pain from using the muscles more than normal. But then I woke up this morning to my alarm, got up to shower, and there was not the same pain I had in the middle of the night. So, now all I can think of is that I had some contractions. Either way, it's nothing to get too excited about as I obviously slept through them, but it's nice to know things are looking to progress.

My 36 week appointment was yesterday and I had been 'leaking' more than normal, so when I had my Group B Strep swab, my doctor checked that I was not leaking amniotic fluid. It came back negative, and a little part of my heart sunk, but the rest was relieved to know that this guy is still cooking. Doctor didn't check my progress, but will next Monday at my 37 week appointment, but I was okay with that because I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning that will give me a good idea of progress when they check the length of my cervix.

And on to the other part of the title; potty training. My little 2 year old has been showing more and more signs of being ready to start the process, including going potty 6 times this last weekend, and asking to go each and every time. Now, she will NOT sit on the potty to go number 2, but I don't want to push her interest aside just for that along with the fact that I know she will regress when her little brother gets here. So, we are starting, and doing our best to encourage. Mini marshmallows for successful potty trips, and we have now started a Potty Chart with special stickers to have at both daycare and at home, and when she reaches Elmo and Abby Caddabby she gets a little something 'extra' (not sure what yet). Hoping this will help, and we are just trying to be consistent with going potty when she wakes, before bedtime, and before and after nap when we can control that part. The past 3 nights she has either been dry or close to it when we get her up in the morning, so I am pretty happy about that! I still have her in diapers as I'm hesitant to rely on pull ups, so I may go out and get some big girl underwear for the weekends (and when we are home after brother arrives) and maybe that will help with her aversion to go #2 on the toilet.

I know this is such a fun topic, and so many people have so many ways of going about it, but I am proud of Elizabeth for showing interest, and even though the past 2 mornings have been a little rough getting her on the potty, when I got her there, she went, and as much as I don't want to push it, there are times she has to go, and that will be one of them. Wish us luck as we will have to tread this road a little lighter and longer than I would have wanted to with Cole arriving any time now, but I'm confident I can be a 1 diaper household by this summer for sure!

Impatiently Patient

So, 36 weeks today, 28 days until my due date, and I am impatiently being patient. This week is full of doctor's appointments including my first that was this morning to get me set up to switch from my current injections of Lovenox over to Heparin which has a shorter half life in my system which is much better for delivery. I was supposed to have my 36 week checkup, but that was changed about a week ago, so I go back to the hospital on Wednesday for my 36 week Group B Strep test and possible internal check. And lastly I have my 36 week ultrasound on Friday to check on Cole's growth as well as fluid level.

It's been really hard not monitoring all the fluids that are leaving my body down in the nether regions as there was so little fluid left when they broke my water with Elizabeth due to a leak. I notice some every once in a while, it dries up, and then a little more. I also don't want to go into an induction unless it's medically necessary, so I'm just going to let the ultrasound on Friday give me the information needed right now and anything after that we will figure out as it comes!

At this point in time I am impatiently trying my hardest to be patient for Cole's arrival. I feel like I am forgetting so many things as my brain is so very scattered, so in that sense, I just don't feel ready for him, yet at the same time I am ready for this pregnancy to be over, to sleep without constant hip pain, and to have clarity and knowledge about both his foot and any other issues that may arise when he is born.

I think this is when FB can get dangerous! There are others who are due 1-2 weeks before me who have posted that they could go any day, or even others due 3-4 weeks who have already delivered. It kinda makes this whole waiting 'game' that much harder. I know that he will come when he and my body are both ready, but I am anxious to see if anything is progressing. I do feel him moving down low much more often than I was, so that is a good sign.

The hardest part of all of this has to be sitting through work. Due to the fact that I had a job change about a month ago, I have not been given much work to do, so I show up at work every day with a few items on the agenda, and then I just sit around and wait for my phone to ring. SO PAINFUL! It's not that much better than sitting at home, organizing a closet, and then flipping through the channels to find something to watch. At least at work I am getting paid and I'm much closer to the hospital, but at the same time it sure makes time go by so much slower.

I will update with any exciting news here as I don't feel like everyone on FB wants to know how much I'm dilated or effaced after every doctor's appointment (or how much weight I've gained for that matter ... which another friend of mine has so wonderfully posted after every appointment and it makes me feel like a cow compared to her '8 total lbs' - sorry, venting). I just have to remember that this all ends, at some point in time, it will all be over, I just have to wait for that time whenever it may be!

Children's Hospital Consultation Visit

I am SOOO glad this day finally came. After many months of worrying, fretting, crying, and coming to terms with the diagnosis of Cole's clubfoot, I met with the Pediatric Orthopedic Doctor at Children's Hospital who will be taking great care of our little guy and his foot!

First off, the Children's Hospital in Bellevue is absolutely stunning, and even has a Starbucks inside the waiting room (pretty sure I'll be hitting that up a few times!). From the moment we stepped in the office, the staff was amazing, smiling and helping to get everything set up. After being called into the back to meet Dr. Steinman I had peace about the whole situation as there were really only a few questions I had that were not answered by the numerous websites and research I had already conducted.

Since Mark does not have the time to take off work, my dad came with me as both a support as well as to make sure all his questions were answered about his soon-to-be-born grandson. Dr. Steinman first explained that in about 20% of the cases the clubfoot is actually what they call 'positional' and is correctable without any of the casting/boot-wearing/surgery. It will present itself just like clubfoot when he is born, but when we bring Cole in for the first time, she will make the exact diagnosis. The positional form of clubfoot has to do with where his foot has been located during most of the pregnancy in utero and can be treated with some mild stretching, whereas with clubfoot, the muscles and tendons are stronger on one side of the foot than the other.

I will make my appointment for Cole within 1-2 weeks after he arrives and if the determination is made at the first appointment that his case needs to be treated with the Ponseti method, they will put him in his first cast right there. From there it would be a cast change every week for 4-8 weeks (depending on severity), then they would determine if his Achilles tendon would need to be snipped (this is the case in about 50% of clubfoot cases), and then a final cast for 3 weeks. During this time he will have to be sponge bathed exclusively, and due to the fact that his cast will come up near his hip, we will have to watch diaper changes much more closely.

After the final casting he will be moved to the boot. The boot is actually on both feet and they are connected with a bar that will be adjusted to his growing body once a month (they keep it at the width of his shoulders). This is going to be a tough transition, and the doctor prepared me now that it will be a very rough first week with the boot. He will cry, a lot, but I can't give in as he needs to wear the boot 23-1/2 hours a day (other than for checking for sores and bathing) for the first 3 months. She did say that this could possibly delay him rolling over, but in the long run it should not affect any other physical development or milestone.

After the first 3 months in the boot full time, we will move to wearing the boot during nap times and bedtime until he is 4 years old. And again, around that time they will make a determination if another surgery would be needed that would move one of the tendons on top of his foot if the foot continue to turn in and regresses. This surgery would be conducted between the ages of 4 and 6.

The only other thing we will have to likely deal with is that in most cases, one, if not all of the following will be true:
* his feet will be different sizes, with the clubfoot being smaller
* the calf muscle on his right leg will be less developed and will be smaller than the left
* his right leg may be slightly shorter than his left
None of which should affect him severely, but may be something that he could potentially be self conscious of when he gets to junior high or high school. But, thank goodness for Nordstrom if it is the case that his one foot is smaller as they will fit his feet appropriately and not charge us for 2 pairs of shoes!

Dr. Steinman also mentioned that 2 famous 'clubfooters' are Michelle Kwan and Mia Hamm, so I know Mark would be happy to hear that his son could become the next Felix Hernandez down the road!

On a side note, I had my 34 week checkup on Monday and started discussing some of my concerns with my doctor about how quickly my delivery with Elizabeth went, especially after they broke my water (about 2-1/2 hours) as she mentioned it typically goes about twice as fast the second time around. She looked back at my progression of effacement and dilation with Ellie and said that what we may want to do is when I get to a point of showing that my body is truly prepared for delivery, to schedule a time to come in to the hospital to have my water broken here. As much as I would love to have my body do what it needs to do on it's own, the more I think about all of the variables from my blood thinners to Mark potentially not making it to the hospital if it happens during the work day, or having to deliver on the side of the road if my water breaks at home and there is traffic, having the option to schedule my water breaking might just be the best option.

All in all, I was very happy with both my appointments this week, and now, even more so than a week ago, I'm in countdown mode. All the important things are falling into place, a few more things to put up in his room, but his crib is set up, clothes are washed and folded, NB diapers are in the drawer, and big sister's overnight bag is at Nana and Papa's already. The car seat bases are going in soon and my bag will be packed in the next week or 2. Crazy to think it's almost here!

Rough Couple of Days

I have had a rough couple of days and I'm trying my hardest to take it all in stride.

Thursday went like most Thursdays go for me. I got into work in the morning, had my morning cup of tea, did some work, had a mid-morning snack, a meeting or two, and then headed to my strength conditioning class. It was a good one and kicked my butt, in a good way! Got back to my desk and frantically made my lunch as I was starving (lunch consisted of part of a sweet potato, some chicken breast and 1/2 avocado). About 1-1.5 hours later I started to not feel well. And I'm not talking about just not feeling well, I was horribly uncomfortable. I couldn't find a position to alleviate my pain/nausea/overall sense of being uncomfortable.

It was getting close to the end of the day and I wasn't so sure I was going to be able to #1-pick up Ellie on my way home and #2-make it home to crawl into a warm bath. I called Mark and asked if he could pick up Elizabeth and I was planning to run to my mom's house and hop in her bath. I have not felt that uncomfortable since I was in labor with Elizabeth. I had no contractions, but for over 2 hours I didn't know what to do. I tried eating something, but all I had at work was some of my leftover chicken enchilada soup, drank more water, and nothing seemed to be working. Then to cap it off, as I was shutting down my computer, my boss called me into a meeting with one of the big sales guys to go over some new products and it was all I could do to answer his questions and do what I could to just get home.

I ended up making it home and was feeling slightly better by that time, but ended up sitting in the tub for a good 20 minutes to just try and relax. Not sure exactly what happened, and I haven't felt like that since then, but I have my 34week checkup on Monday and will tell my OB what happened.

After all the 'excitement' of Thursday I was looking forward to Friday as I only had to work a 1/2 day with a lunch for all of Accounting/Finance and then they sent us home. My plan was to run out to the mall as I have been in need of some new shoes and the Rack was calling my name! Figured since I was in the vicinity that I would run into Babies R Us as well and pick up a few things that I needed as well.

I arrived at Babies R Us and picked up a few things I needed (and a few I really didn't, but picked up as well). I was doing just fine walking through the aisles of the store, grabbing some pacifiers, some diapers that were on sale, and looking at a new hamper for Elizabeth. Once I started heading towards the boys clothes I started to get a feeling of anticipation, or more specifically anxiety. I can't really explain it, but I felt like I was completely glazed over as I was searching the clearance racks of boy clothes. I moved over to the girl clothes and looked for a bit before heading back to the boys side. The feeling came back and I looked for a little while, grabbed a few outfits with a very hardened attitude and left. As I finished putting my loot in the car and headed towards the Rack, I lost it.

After talking with both my mom and sister, I guess there are a few reasons that this happened. In general, I have had a VERY hard time buying clothes for Cole. I have purchased a handful of diapers in all different sizes, items to decorate his room, even painted his room and not felt the same anxiety that has come with walking through the baby boy section of clothes. Having a close friend lose her little guy so shockingly is probably #1 on the list of reasons why, along with the fact that there are still so many unknowns with our monkey.

After our 20 week ultrasound Mark and I both grieved, and we grieved for a good while before we realized that crying and fretting was not going to do anything at this point in time. It was most important that we give the situation to God and try to enjoy every day with Ellie and each other. It took me a little while, but eventually I became at peace with the whole situation and looked forward to finding out how things were progressing at my monthly ultrasounds. I think that subconsciously I have not completely put it all aside, and now, as I am only a little over 6 weeks away from my due date, the anxiety is manifesting when I start to have to plan for the lil guy.

My mom also mentioned the fact that not only has this pregnancy been totally different than with Ellie (which is to be expected as all pregnancies are not alike), and I've had to deal with a lot of things that are just not normal, but with a second pregnancy comes less attention from others. I guess to put it better, people don't make it out to be as big of a deal as it was the first time around. They assume you know what's going on, you have everything you need, and they just don't give the attention to how special the event is, even if it is number 2. With the roller coaster I have been on, I feel much more like I am isolated. I don't talk about the situation with everyone at work, so many don't know what has been going on. All in all, I have had a rough couple of days and I just need to keep focused on the finish line ... hopefully only 6 more weeks, but I'm trying to be realistic and give myself as much as 8 more weeks of all of this until we get to meet Mr. Cole Lewis Hamilton (yes, that is his name. Mark was the one not wanting to tell people, but he has already spilled the beans, so I am only following suit) and have many questions answered.

Lord give me peace in the upcoming weeks to trust that there is nothing more I can do at this point in time. The rest has already been determined.

Quick update

So, I have been thinking of all sorts of different posts that I could put up on here. Complaining about how sleep is getting harder, how much I feel like I have become less productive and more of a big bump on a log the last few weeks, how much weight I put on in 3 weeks, or the fact that I'm only 1lb off of where I was at this same time in my pregnancy with Ellie (wanted to cry when my dr. told me that), or maybe even talking about all the work we have done on both Elizabeth's room as well as the baby's room. But really, it's mostly complaining, isn't it? And I guess that's not what I want this to be.

I am actually very proud of all the work Mark and I put in last weekend on the kids' rooms. We pulled off the closet doors in both rooms and put up curtains to allow for Ellie's dresser to be in the closet and for our file cabinet to fit in the baby's room. My parents brought over a new dresser for Ellie and we moved the dresser/changing table to the baby's room, and in that process also reorganized closets and got rid of ever MORE stuff that had just been sitting, that was a good feeling. All the bags of boys clothes are now out of the baby's crib, and size NB to 3months have all been washed and about 1/2 have been folded and put away. The rooms are still in process, but the big stuff is now out of the way and it's up to me to get some design work done and decided on. I probably pushed myself too hard, but it's getting closer to being done, and that's the important thing!

I have another ultrasound tomorrow to check on the growth of our little monkey, and in a few more weeks I will be switching over my shots from Lovenox to Herparin. This is a pain in the butt as my shots go from 2x a day up to 3x a day, and I have to draw the shots myself, but it also means that I will only be a few weeks away from the end.

February 14th is the day I am looking most forward to right now as that is our consultation with Dr. Steinman at Children's Hospital. Unfortunately, with Mark's new job, he won't be able to join me, but I have an amazing dad who is going to come with me that morning ... I didn't want to do it alone. I am anxious to hear what her plans will be depending on the severity of the clubfoot, as right now I am looking through all my baby clothes and realizing that cute little footie pjs just won't work if he has to have a cast or with his boots.

The other part of Mark's new job is that he will have very little (paid) time to take off once this lil guy comes. It's something we knew would happen, and we are very lucky that Boeing pre-loaded 1/2 of his first year vacation when he started, so he has a full week of vacation time, but that's it. My mom has a few days she can take off along with Spring Break at the beginning of April where she can lend a helping hand, but it is a little daunting to think that only a few days after monkey arrives, i'll be on my own with 2 little ones at home. I know that I have some amazing neighbors who have already offered to help if needed, but i'm trying not to become overwhelmed by the thought of only having Mark's help for a night or 2.

All in all, i'm doing well, trying to make time fly by as it seems to be slowing down little by little every day now. Elizabeth will be 2 in just a few weeks, so i'm trying to focus on getting her party planned and ready (and maybe have the baby's room almost done by the time we have 20 people over to our house!), and tackling one or two small projects every night when I get home from work, even if it's just vacuuming the house, or posting a few more items to Craigslist. Less than 8 weeks until my due date, so i'm preparing myself (and work) that I'm looking at 6-10 weeks before he comes ... so close, yet so far away! :o)

(late) 28 week update

So, we had to push our ultrasound out a little farther than 4 weeks due to the fact that I wanted to see 'my' doctor.

I saw both my regular OB as well as my perinatologist today, so it was full of appointments, but luckily they are both at the hospital which is quite convenient.

The 28 week appointment went as normal, checked the heartbeat which was right around 140, and talked about a few issues I have been having (mild pubic symphysis) and knowing that everything is happening without contractions so we are good!

The big questions were to be answered at my high risk doctor for our growth scan. The little guy was (finally) head down, but I know for a fact that he doesn't stay there long, so we'll see how long that lasts! He was also sleeping which didn't help us considering he was facing my back so a good profile picture was not easy to get.

I have my last 'internal' ultrasound today because I no longer have placenta previa!! The placenta was about 5cm away from my cervix (which is still nice and long even though i've been having a handful of braxton hicks), so I am cleared to deliver however this little guy wants to come! Thank you Lord!

As for his foot, the doctor had a hard time getting a really good view of it as he had his ankles crossed, but it still looked like a mild to moderate clubfoot. We will be getting a call from one of the genetic counselors from our doctor's office to go over some of the referral information and get us in touch with Children's Hospital. We are hoping to get over to the hospital sometime before Mark starts his new job (another huge praise!!) in just a few weeks. The appointment will be nothing more than educational with a lot of 'it could be a false positive's' thrown in there. We really won't know the severity of the situation until he arrives, but with the trend of the clubfoot, we will be set up at Children's and have a game plan for when he arrives and know what to do with the severity of the foot.

I am at peace about the foot, they made no comment about his cyst, and the rest of the pregnancy I give to God. I am in the final stretch, a little over 11 weeks to go, and all of the important things continue to look good.

Now, I just have to find the time and motivation to get moving on his bedroom!