I've had a little over a day to start processing the news from our ultrasound. As long as kept my mind busy I was fine, but once I let it start to wander, the tears would return and I would start to replay all the things I heard from the doctor.
At lunch I wanted to get out of the office so I snagged Mark and drug him along with me to Starbucks (which is now serving Peppermint Mochas I might add ... I was quite excited!!). It was nice to be able to talk about it a little more with him on our drive as I had been sequested in my training all morning with my mind running a million miles a minute. I realized that we are dealing with this in 2 very different ways, and though we both need to be strong, I am going to need to be the one to be the voice of reason.
I know that our little man almost positively has a clubbed foot, and that is something that can be taken care of. Though it may suck that we will be travelling to Children's every week for the first 3-4 months of his life, and the little guy will be casted for that same amount of time, it's nothing he will remember, and we will do everything in our power to make sure that he can walk and run and play ball with the other kids when he gets old enough.
The thing that we both need to remind ourselves is that it is not for certain that he has anything else wrong. The chances have significantly increased that he has some sort of chromosomal issue, but i've looked on other websites and there are many other women who have been given the same information as myself, and they had a little one who was born perfectly healthy other than the foot.
It's so easy to let my mind travel to all the bad things that could be instead of focusing on the positives, that his little heart looked good, he was growing right on track, the fluid looked good around him, and all the other little things that are very good signs.
I have also questioned, to some extent, what something like ultrasounds have done to us. It is a wonderful scientific advantage, and in the case of things like my ectopic pregnancy or my placenta previa, it has been such an amazing tool for my doctors to have at their fingertips. But in a situation like this, would it have been better to not know at all? That is something I have been struggling with.
Not that I can take anything that has happened back, but ignorance can be bliss. I know that every day that passes will be a little bit better, but I also know that I won't have complete peace until I see his precious little face.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Rewind
I didn't sleep well last night. I cried every time I woke up and wanted to hold my belly tight every time I felt our little guy move. I keep replaying everything that happened yesterday over and over again, and with all of the uncertainties, I am working very hard on focusing on the 299, not the 1.
My sister did some digging yesterday and Seattle Children's Hospital has a very good clubbed foot clinic, and did a little reading up on that. It looks like we'll become very familiar with Children's as our little guy will be put in a cast that will be changed weekly for the for 8-12 weeks of his life followed by a brace until he is around 3-4. Every situation is different, and he could potentially have to have surgery if it's bad enough, but we'll pray that the method of casting and bracing will work.
I have to sit in a training class all day today, 8-4pm, which I guess could be good so I can't let my mind wander too much, but I can already tell i'm not going to get out of it as much as I probably would have.
Lord, give me strength. Help me to trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and this feeling of helplessness is your reminder that I am not alone. - Amen
My sister did some digging yesterday and Seattle Children's Hospital has a very good clubbed foot clinic, and did a little reading up on that. It looks like we'll become very familiar with Children's as our little guy will be put in a cast that will be changed weekly for the for 8-12 weeks of his life followed by a brace until he is around 3-4. Every situation is different, and he could potentially have to have surgery if it's bad enough, but we'll pray that the method of casting and bracing will work.
I have to sit in a training class all day today, 8-4pm, which I guess could be good so I can't let my mind wander too much, but I can already tell i'm not going to get out of it as much as I probably would have.
Lord, give me strength. Help me to trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and this feeling of helplessness is your reminder that I am not alone. - Amen
Monday, October 31, 2011
Trust
Today was our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan. 19 weeks along and excited to find out the sex. We had been told it was most likely a boy, but I have been reserving my excitement for a boy until we knew for sure.
I had my favorite sonographer today and from the moment she started the ultrasound the little guy was moving all over the place. He was not shy at all and we got quite a few good shots of his boy parts.
My normal doctor was at his other office this week, so I was seeing a new doctor. She came in and wanted to take a look at the little guy some more herself. After taking a look at his head and brain, she moved down to his feet. Our sonographer was having a hard time getting a good view of one of his feet, so I figured she was trying to see that foot as well. I had also felt like something wasn't quite right with one of his feet, and the doctor started off by telling us that she thought that he had a clubbed foot. The foot they were having a hard time seeing was constantly in an awkward position, and if it wasn't clubbed then they should have seen the foot in a normal position at some point in time.
That was a little hard to swallow, but she then went on to tell us that she saw a cyst on the baby's brain. It is also known as Choroid Plexus Cyst (she told us in the office, but I had to look it up when I got back to work). It does not seem to be anything that is necessarily concerning as some perfectly normal babies have it, but the fact that it occured along with the clubbed foot increases the likelihood of downs or some other chromosomal abnormality to about 1 in 300.
I broke down. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say. I had opted out of the full test at 11 weeks to check for our chances of issues, and with the NT scan they did, we had a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a baby with downs, which is pretty good. Our only option now is to have an amniocentesis, and for me, the risk of this little guy's life is just not worth it to know.
It has been a roller coaster of a day, and I have a feeling it's not going to go away until this little guy makes his debut. I will have monthly ultrasounds from here on out to keep an eye on this little guy along with my previa which is still complete (the cervix is still completely covered by the placenta). I can't have a vaginal delivery unless the placenta is 2cm away from the cervix, but my doctor today told me she thought in about 8-12 weeks I should see it moving farther away.
I will love this little boy no matter what happens, and I'm working on trusting that God won't give us more than we can handle. Only time will tell how things will pan out, but God is in control.
I had my favorite sonographer today and from the moment she started the ultrasound the little guy was moving all over the place. He was not shy at all and we got quite a few good shots of his boy parts.
My normal doctor was at his other office this week, so I was seeing a new doctor. She came in and wanted to take a look at the little guy some more herself. After taking a look at his head and brain, she moved down to his feet. Our sonographer was having a hard time getting a good view of one of his feet, so I figured she was trying to see that foot as well. I had also felt like something wasn't quite right with one of his feet, and the doctor started off by telling us that she thought that he had a clubbed foot. The foot they were having a hard time seeing was constantly in an awkward position, and if it wasn't clubbed then they should have seen the foot in a normal position at some point in time.
That was a little hard to swallow, but she then went on to tell us that she saw a cyst on the baby's brain. It is also known as Choroid Plexus Cyst (she told us in the office, but I had to look it up when I got back to work). It does not seem to be anything that is necessarily concerning as some perfectly normal babies have it, but the fact that it occured along with the clubbed foot increases the likelihood of downs or some other chromosomal abnormality to about 1 in 300.
I broke down. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say. I had opted out of the full test at 11 weeks to check for our chances of issues, and with the NT scan they did, we had a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a baby with downs, which is pretty good. Our only option now is to have an amniocentesis, and for me, the risk of this little guy's life is just not worth it to know.
It has been a roller coaster of a day, and I have a feeling it's not going to go away until this little guy makes his debut. I will have monthly ultrasounds from here on out to keep an eye on this little guy along with my previa which is still complete (the cervix is still completely covered by the placenta). I can't have a vaginal delivery unless the placenta is 2cm away from the cervix, but my doctor today told me she thought in about 8-12 weeks I should see it moving farther away.
I will love this little boy no matter what happens, and I'm working on trusting that God won't give us more than we can handle. Only time will tell how things will pan out, but God is in control.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Roller Coaster of a Pregnancy so far ...
Well, I will be 15 weeks along in this pregnancy on Monday and i've spent that last week in bed. A week ago today I started spotting, and not just a darker color but bright red, fresh, blood.
I contacted the hospital and hard a hard time getting in touch with the OB on call from my office, so I decided to call my High-risk doctor and luckily it was MY doctor on call. He told me to take it easy, stop taking my blood thinning injections, and make an appointment to see him when he was back in the office on Tuesday. As the night went on, I just couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't right, and I knew that if I didn't see my little baby that night, I wouldn't sleep any night until I did.
We decided to drop off Elizabeth at my parents house and made our way to the ER at Evergreen. Luckily it was pretty quiet and I was placed in a room right away. Once I was rolled into the ultrasound room my heart was definitely racing. Along with the spotting I had been experiencing some mild back pain and cramps, all signs of a miscarriage. She put the jelly on my belly and the moment I saw our baby jumping and moving around I could breathe. It didn't explain all my symptoms, but baby was okay, and that was my #1 priority.
Jump to Tuesday at my doctor appt where my doctor diagnosed me with placenta previa which had caused all my symptoms. I have a small part of my placenta completely covering the opening of the cervix. The good part is that the bulk of the placenta is located on the side of the uterus and with time, the hope is that as both baby and uterus grow that the placenta will move itself further up the wall and end up far enough up to be able to deliver vaginally.
The biggest and scariest part of all of this is that I am on blood thinners. I was removed from my shots for 3 days before my bleeding stopped, and then could go back 1/2 dosage. This has really set my anxiety on high alert (sure wish I could have taken some meds a few times this week) as being off the shots leaves me highly vulnerable for clots, then put me on bed rest and it's even higher, but put me back on my thinners right away and it could cause more bleeding. As my doctor put it, we are walking a tight rope right now between baby's health and my health.
Other things I have been ordered to stop until further notice: working out, even yoga (and this is killing me), picking up Ellie (only doing it short distances and making her do as much as she can), and sex (there is a good possiblity this will be most of my pregnancy unless the placenta moves far enough up). Right now that's all that I can think of, but it sure is tough. I wanted SO badly to make this pregnancy different than with Ellie, to stay active (which I did with her, but not the same), and at the same time I worked so hard to get to where I was with my strength conditioning, and now it's all going to be lost. I know it's all for the baby, but I am going to be a little selfish as it is hard to just sit around.
Anyways, I'll make sure to update as I know what is going on. I have doctor's appointments this next week and the week after, and i'm sure i'll be seeing the doctor much more than I had initially expected as they monitor my situation.
*sigh* This little boy better appreciate what i'm doing for him! Oh, yah, at my scan my doctor said that his opinion was that we were going to have a little boy ... 90% sure (my sonographer agreed as well)! Mark is over the top excited!!
I contacted the hospital and hard a hard time getting in touch with the OB on call from my office, so I decided to call my High-risk doctor and luckily it was MY doctor on call. He told me to take it easy, stop taking my blood thinning injections, and make an appointment to see him when he was back in the office on Tuesday. As the night went on, I just couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't right, and I knew that if I didn't see my little baby that night, I wouldn't sleep any night until I did.
We decided to drop off Elizabeth at my parents house and made our way to the ER at Evergreen. Luckily it was pretty quiet and I was placed in a room right away. Once I was rolled into the ultrasound room my heart was definitely racing. Along with the spotting I had been experiencing some mild back pain and cramps, all signs of a miscarriage. She put the jelly on my belly and the moment I saw our baby jumping and moving around I could breathe. It didn't explain all my symptoms, but baby was okay, and that was my #1 priority.
Jump to Tuesday at my doctor appt where my doctor diagnosed me with placenta previa which had caused all my symptoms. I have a small part of my placenta completely covering the opening of the cervix. The good part is that the bulk of the placenta is located on the side of the uterus and with time, the hope is that as both baby and uterus grow that the placenta will move itself further up the wall and end up far enough up to be able to deliver vaginally.
The biggest and scariest part of all of this is that I am on blood thinners. I was removed from my shots for 3 days before my bleeding stopped, and then could go back 1/2 dosage. This has really set my anxiety on high alert (sure wish I could have taken some meds a few times this week) as being off the shots leaves me highly vulnerable for clots, then put me on bed rest and it's even higher, but put me back on my thinners right away and it could cause more bleeding. As my doctor put it, we are walking a tight rope right now between baby's health and my health.
Other things I have been ordered to stop until further notice: working out, even yoga (and this is killing me), picking up Ellie (only doing it short distances and making her do as much as she can), and sex (there is a good possiblity this will be most of my pregnancy unless the placenta moves far enough up). Right now that's all that I can think of, but it sure is tough. I wanted SO badly to make this pregnancy different than with Ellie, to stay active (which I did with her, but not the same), and at the same time I worked so hard to get to where I was with my strength conditioning, and now it's all going to be lost. I know it's all for the baby, but I am going to be a little selfish as it is hard to just sit around.
Anyways, I'll make sure to update as I know what is going on. I have doctor's appointments this next week and the week after, and i'm sure i'll be seeing the doctor much more than I had initially expected as they monitor my situation.
*sigh* This little boy better appreciate what i'm doing for him! Oh, yah, at my scan my doctor said that his opinion was that we were going to have a little boy ... 90% sure (my sonographer agreed as well)! Mark is over the top excited!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Stretch Marks aren't just for me!
Okay, so I had to share this story. I was at a CABi clothing party a few weeks ago, and after being shown all the clothes, all the women in the room get to go crazy and try it all on. There were about 10 or so women in the room, most moms. As we disrobed to try on shirts and pants, skirts and jackets, I was pleasantly surprised to see that every single one of them had stretch marks. Some were worse than mine, others weren't too noticeable, but it was a time where I realized that I wasn't the only one and that it wasn't because I "gained too much weight."
It happens to most of us, and I'm hoping it doesn't get too much worse with this baby, and I like that all my marks stayed below my belly button. So if I get crazy one day down the road and want to wear a bikini, I can! As long as the bottoms come up to my navel!
It happens to most of us, and I'm hoping it doesn't get too much worse with this baby, and I like that all my marks stayed below my belly button. So if I get crazy one day down the road and want to wear a bikini, I can! As long as the bottoms come up to my navel!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Things are-a changin'
Wow, it's been almost 3 months since I've posted. So much has changed and my daughter continues to change daily. New words, new actions, new interests, and growing closer and closer to 2 which can make for some interesting tantrums around our house (along with the never-ending use of the word 'No').
Well, in less than a week we will hopefully be able to see the heartbeat of baby #2. Yup, it's crazy, we're nuts, and this was not really planned, but this time around i'm actually feeling pregnant. Nauseous when I don't eat, bloated, sore boobs, all that good stuff that comes with the first few weeks after you find out you are pregnant. As long as everything continues well with this pregnancy the baby will be due around March 26, so Ellie and her sibling will be around 25 months apart. All I keep thinking is that I won't have 2 in diapers for too long!
I'm still terrified. Terrified that something will be wrong, terrified that we won't be able to afford this baby, terrified of life with two little ones while being the best mommy/wife/employee I can be. I'm really trying to take it easy, relax, and just let God take control. I've signed up for my yoga class which was such a blessing to find while I was pregnant with Ellie, I have a GREAT trainer who is willing to work with me to make sure i'm not doing anything to compromise myself or my baby. And an absolutely amazing husband who is more than thrilled to be adding to our little clan.
So, next Wed is our viability ultrasound and we are hoping for the best. Sure hard not to get all excited and start planning right now, and at the same time it's hard not to distance myself from the situation in case something isn't right. We'll find out more on Wednesday!
Well, in less than a week we will hopefully be able to see the heartbeat of baby #2. Yup, it's crazy, we're nuts, and this was not really planned, but this time around i'm actually feeling pregnant. Nauseous when I don't eat, bloated, sore boobs, all that good stuff that comes with the first few weeks after you find out you are pregnant. As long as everything continues well with this pregnancy the baby will be due around March 26, so Ellie and her sibling will be around 25 months apart. All I keep thinking is that I won't have 2 in diapers for too long!
I'm still terrified. Terrified that something will be wrong, terrified that we won't be able to afford this baby, terrified of life with two little ones while being the best mommy/wife/employee I can be. I'm really trying to take it easy, relax, and just let God take control. I've signed up for my yoga class which was such a blessing to find while I was pregnant with Ellie, I have a GREAT trainer who is willing to work with me to make sure i'm not doing anything to compromise myself or my baby. And an absolutely amazing husband who is more than thrilled to be adding to our little clan.
So, next Wed is our viability ultrasound and we are hoping for the best. Sure hard not to get all excited and start planning right now, and at the same time it's hard not to distance myself from the situation in case something isn't right. We'll find out more on Wednesday!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Miss Independent
I sure have a little Miss Independent at home right now! Unless she is clearly struggling anymore, I don't even attempt to ask if she needs help because she only ignores me and continues to try and do it on her own. Her Mother's Daughter I guess!
If you ask her if she wants to go get her pajamas on, she will get up from what she is doing, look at you, and start walking to her bedroom. Same goes for bedtime, she will get up, grab her lovey, walk to her bedroom and stand by her crib. Pretty amazing, really!
Besides the fact that she loves to talk, and her newest thing is trying her hardest to say 'shoe' (that 'sh' sound is harder than it seems), Ellie has now picked up hitting. Ugh. I knew this day would probably come, and we don't hit her, or even swat at this point in time, but she was little Miss Defiant this weekend and hit me on several occasions when she didn't want to be held or to do what I had asked. I guess I should have been a little more prepared for this to happen, but I've now had to reassess my strategy to remedy this issue and hope that we can continue move AWAY from the hitting.
Only 2 more weeks until our 15month check-up, so i'm anxious to see where she stands for weight and height. Mark is now able to walk, holding her hand, without bending over. that is quite the accomplishment for a guy who stands 6'5"!
Oh the changes she is making ... so much fun, and keeps me constantly on my toes!
If you ask her if she wants to go get her pajamas on, she will get up from what she is doing, look at you, and start walking to her bedroom. Same goes for bedtime, she will get up, grab her lovey, walk to her bedroom and stand by her crib. Pretty amazing, really!
Besides the fact that she loves to talk, and her newest thing is trying her hardest to say 'shoe' (that 'sh' sound is harder than it seems), Ellie has now picked up hitting. Ugh. I knew this day would probably come, and we don't hit her, or even swat at this point in time, but she was little Miss Defiant this weekend and hit me on several occasions when she didn't want to be held or to do what I had asked. I guess I should have been a little more prepared for this to happen, but I've now had to reassess my strategy to remedy this issue and hope that we can continue move AWAY from the hitting.
Only 2 more weeks until our 15month check-up, so i'm anxious to see where she stands for weight and height. Mark is now able to walk, holding her hand, without bending over. that is quite the accomplishment for a guy who stands 6'5"!
Oh the changes she is making ... so much fun, and keeps me constantly on my toes!
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