For those who may stumble upon, or who have been following my blog, here is a link to a PDF that I found while researching clubfoot at Seattle Children's hospital. I goes through everything that our little dude will be doing over the next 5 years as well as the impact on his life down the road.
Clubfoot treatment by Ponseti Method
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Where to begin (or continue ...)?
As about a week and a half has passed since I last posted on here, I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions, and I don't see any end in sight to this ride until March. I was feeling at peace at the end of the week we first found out, but as the days continued to go by and my husband continued to stay closed about the situation, it just boiled up more and more inside of me. It's a vicious cycle as you can start to talk about it and get emotional and think of the things that could be, then you are comforted by knowing that his foot will is fixable and there is nothing we can do right now.
More than ever I am anxious for our next ultrasound in 2 weeks (Nov 28). I get to see my regular perinatologist and after having 4 weeks to think about everything we have been told, I can ask more questions or get a better vision for what is to come.
There are so many things I have been thinking of lately like having to get our double stroller a little earlier than we had originally planned as I won't (probably) be able to as easily carry this little guy on morning walks with his leg all casted (I carried Ellie for the first 3-4 months at least in the Moby when we would go on walks). And what about all the cute little outfits with footies? I'll have to look for outfits without feet so the little guy can have his foot/leg hanging out.
All in all I know that this little guy is absolutely precious, that he will be loved beyond belief and I keep kicking myself when I get all emotional that everything is going to be fine, no matter what, but it's also hard to put those emotions to rest. How do you NOT cry when dealing with this? How do you NOT feel grief for what couldbe? Every day is a day closer to having closure, and every ultrasound is a picture closer to what we can definitively find out about this little dude.
Only 20 more weeks (hopefully less) until complete closure on this chapter, and the work begins to heal his little foot and to meet this little guy whom God has perfectly created.
Just one day at a time to get there is all I can do.
More than ever I am anxious for our next ultrasound in 2 weeks (Nov 28). I get to see my regular perinatologist and after having 4 weeks to think about everything we have been told, I can ask more questions or get a better vision for what is to come.
There are so many things I have been thinking of lately like having to get our double stroller a little earlier than we had originally planned as I won't (probably) be able to as easily carry this little guy on morning walks with his leg all casted (I carried Ellie for the first 3-4 months at least in the Moby when we would go on walks). And what about all the cute little outfits with footies? I'll have to look for outfits without feet so the little guy can have his foot/leg hanging out.
All in all I know that this little guy is absolutely precious, that he will be loved beyond belief and I keep kicking myself when I get all emotional that everything is going to be fine, no matter what, but it's also hard to put those emotions to rest. How do you NOT cry when dealing with this? How do you NOT feel grief for what couldbe? Every day is a day closer to having closure, and every ultrasound is a picture closer to what we can definitively find out about this little dude.
Only 20 more weeks (hopefully less) until complete closure on this chapter, and the work begins to heal his little foot and to meet this little guy whom God has perfectly created.
Just one day at a time to get there is all I can do.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Peace, peace, glorious peace ...
I think I'm at peace. For the most part at least. I did my crying, I did my fretting, and now I feel like I can breathe, no forced, but natural, like I did the day before the ultrasound. Our little guy is who God wants him to be, and there is NOTHING I can do about that other than provide the perfect 'home' for him for another 20 weeks so he can come out big and strong and healthy to meet friends and family that already love him like you wouldn't believe.
I am still trying to figure out if I will be able to use the Moby with the little guy with his leg all casted up from the very beginning, or what he might do when he's not allowed to ball up all of the sudden when they cast him for the first time, but it's all peanuts compared to what it could be. I have too many friends who have suffered the loss of a child way too early and I will treasure my little man just the way God intended.
I am trying to get back to enjoying my pregnancy knowing this is most likely my last, loving the kicks, trying not to cringe when he jumps on my bladder, or squirms to give me aches and pains, but to embrace it knowing that he is moving, and kicking like every other healthy baby should be.
I may still have my days, but what good is it going to do if I continue to stress? I need to stay healthy and strong for the both of us!
Today is the last day of work for a week, heading out of town for a few days with the hubby without the little one, and it came at the perfect time. I am so excited to get away, somewhere a little warmer, and time to just reflect with each other and what has happened to us in the course of the last week.
I am at peace, and that is a good place to be.
I am still trying to figure out if I will be able to use the Moby with the little guy with his leg all casted up from the very beginning, or what he might do when he's not allowed to ball up all of the sudden when they cast him for the first time, but it's all peanuts compared to what it could be. I have too many friends who have suffered the loss of a child way too early and I will treasure my little man just the way God intended.
I am trying to get back to enjoying my pregnancy knowing this is most likely my last, loving the kicks, trying not to cringe when he jumps on my bladder, or squirms to give me aches and pains, but to embrace it knowing that he is moving, and kicking like every other healthy baby should be.
I may still have my days, but what good is it going to do if I continue to stress? I need to stay healthy and strong for the both of us!
Today is the last day of work for a week, heading out of town for a few days with the hubby without the little one, and it came at the perfect time. I am so excited to get away, somewhere a little warmer, and time to just reflect with each other and what has happened to us in the course of the last week.
I am at peace, and that is a good place to be.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Hurrying up to wait
I've had a little over a day to start processing the news from our ultrasound. As long as kept my mind busy I was fine, but once I let it start to wander, the tears would return and I would start to replay all the things I heard from the doctor.
At lunch I wanted to get out of the office so I snagged Mark and drug him along with me to Starbucks (which is now serving Peppermint Mochas I might add ... I was quite excited!!). It was nice to be able to talk about it a little more with him on our drive as I had been sequested in my training all morning with my mind running a million miles a minute. I realized that we are dealing with this in 2 very different ways, and though we both need to be strong, I am going to need to be the one to be the voice of reason.
I know that our little man almost positively has a clubbed foot, and that is something that can be taken care of. Though it may suck that we will be travelling to Children's every week for the first 3-4 months of his life, and the little guy will be casted for that same amount of time, it's nothing he will remember, and we will do everything in our power to make sure that he can walk and run and play ball with the other kids when he gets old enough.
The thing that we both need to remind ourselves is that it is not for certain that he has anything else wrong. The chances have significantly increased that he has some sort of chromosomal issue, but i've looked on other websites and there are many other women who have been given the same information as myself, and they had a little one who was born perfectly healthy other than the foot.
It's so easy to let my mind travel to all the bad things that could be instead of focusing on the positives, that his little heart looked good, he was growing right on track, the fluid looked good around him, and all the other little things that are very good signs.
I have also questioned, to some extent, what something like ultrasounds have done to us. It is a wonderful scientific advantage, and in the case of things like my ectopic pregnancy or my placenta previa, it has been such an amazing tool for my doctors to have at their fingertips. But in a situation like this, would it have been better to not know at all? That is something I have been struggling with.
Not that I can take anything that has happened back, but ignorance can be bliss. I know that every day that passes will be a little bit better, but I also know that I won't have complete peace until I see his precious little face.
At lunch I wanted to get out of the office so I snagged Mark and drug him along with me to Starbucks (which is now serving Peppermint Mochas I might add ... I was quite excited!!). It was nice to be able to talk about it a little more with him on our drive as I had been sequested in my training all morning with my mind running a million miles a minute. I realized that we are dealing with this in 2 very different ways, and though we both need to be strong, I am going to need to be the one to be the voice of reason.
I know that our little man almost positively has a clubbed foot, and that is something that can be taken care of. Though it may suck that we will be travelling to Children's every week for the first 3-4 months of his life, and the little guy will be casted for that same amount of time, it's nothing he will remember, and we will do everything in our power to make sure that he can walk and run and play ball with the other kids when he gets old enough.
The thing that we both need to remind ourselves is that it is not for certain that he has anything else wrong. The chances have significantly increased that he has some sort of chromosomal issue, but i've looked on other websites and there are many other women who have been given the same information as myself, and they had a little one who was born perfectly healthy other than the foot.
It's so easy to let my mind travel to all the bad things that could be instead of focusing on the positives, that his little heart looked good, he was growing right on track, the fluid looked good around him, and all the other little things that are very good signs.
I have also questioned, to some extent, what something like ultrasounds have done to us. It is a wonderful scientific advantage, and in the case of things like my ectopic pregnancy or my placenta previa, it has been such an amazing tool for my doctors to have at their fingertips. But in a situation like this, would it have been better to not know at all? That is something I have been struggling with.
Not that I can take anything that has happened back, but ignorance can be bliss. I know that every day that passes will be a little bit better, but I also know that I won't have complete peace until I see his precious little face.
Rewind
I didn't sleep well last night. I cried every time I woke up and wanted to hold my belly tight every time I felt our little guy move. I keep replaying everything that happened yesterday over and over again, and with all of the uncertainties, I am working very hard on focusing on the 299, not the 1.
My sister did some digging yesterday and Seattle Children's Hospital has a very good clubbed foot clinic, and did a little reading up on that. It looks like we'll become very familiar with Children's as our little guy will be put in a cast that will be changed weekly for the for 8-12 weeks of his life followed by a brace until he is around 3-4. Every situation is different, and he could potentially have to have surgery if it's bad enough, but we'll pray that the method of casting and bracing will work.
I have to sit in a training class all day today, 8-4pm, which I guess could be good so I can't let my mind wander too much, but I can already tell i'm not going to get out of it as much as I probably would have.
Lord, give me strength. Help me to trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and this feeling of helplessness is your reminder that I am not alone. - Amen
My sister did some digging yesterday and Seattle Children's Hospital has a very good clubbed foot clinic, and did a little reading up on that. It looks like we'll become very familiar with Children's as our little guy will be put in a cast that will be changed weekly for the for 8-12 weeks of his life followed by a brace until he is around 3-4. Every situation is different, and he could potentially have to have surgery if it's bad enough, but we'll pray that the method of casting and bracing will work.
I have to sit in a training class all day today, 8-4pm, which I guess could be good so I can't let my mind wander too much, but I can already tell i'm not going to get out of it as much as I probably would have.
Lord, give me strength. Help me to trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and this feeling of helplessness is your reminder that I am not alone. - Amen
Monday, October 31, 2011
Trust
Today was our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan. 19 weeks along and excited to find out the sex. We had been told it was most likely a boy, but I have been reserving my excitement for a boy until we knew for sure.
I had my favorite sonographer today and from the moment she started the ultrasound the little guy was moving all over the place. He was not shy at all and we got quite a few good shots of his boy parts.
My normal doctor was at his other office this week, so I was seeing a new doctor. She came in and wanted to take a look at the little guy some more herself. After taking a look at his head and brain, she moved down to his feet. Our sonographer was having a hard time getting a good view of one of his feet, so I figured she was trying to see that foot as well. I had also felt like something wasn't quite right with one of his feet, and the doctor started off by telling us that she thought that he had a clubbed foot. The foot they were having a hard time seeing was constantly in an awkward position, and if it wasn't clubbed then they should have seen the foot in a normal position at some point in time.
That was a little hard to swallow, but she then went on to tell us that she saw a cyst on the baby's brain. It is also known as Choroid Plexus Cyst (she told us in the office, but I had to look it up when I got back to work). It does not seem to be anything that is necessarily concerning as some perfectly normal babies have it, but the fact that it occured along with the clubbed foot increases the likelihood of downs or some other chromosomal abnormality to about 1 in 300.
I broke down. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say. I had opted out of the full test at 11 weeks to check for our chances of issues, and with the NT scan they did, we had a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a baby with downs, which is pretty good. Our only option now is to have an amniocentesis, and for me, the risk of this little guy's life is just not worth it to know.
It has been a roller coaster of a day, and I have a feeling it's not going to go away until this little guy makes his debut. I will have monthly ultrasounds from here on out to keep an eye on this little guy along with my previa which is still complete (the cervix is still completely covered by the placenta). I can't have a vaginal delivery unless the placenta is 2cm away from the cervix, but my doctor today told me she thought in about 8-12 weeks I should see it moving farther away.
I will love this little boy no matter what happens, and I'm working on trusting that God won't give us more than we can handle. Only time will tell how things will pan out, but God is in control.
I had my favorite sonographer today and from the moment she started the ultrasound the little guy was moving all over the place. He was not shy at all and we got quite a few good shots of his boy parts.
My normal doctor was at his other office this week, so I was seeing a new doctor. She came in and wanted to take a look at the little guy some more herself. After taking a look at his head and brain, she moved down to his feet. Our sonographer was having a hard time getting a good view of one of his feet, so I figured she was trying to see that foot as well. I had also felt like something wasn't quite right with one of his feet, and the doctor started off by telling us that she thought that he had a clubbed foot. The foot they were having a hard time seeing was constantly in an awkward position, and if it wasn't clubbed then they should have seen the foot in a normal position at some point in time.
That was a little hard to swallow, but she then went on to tell us that she saw a cyst on the baby's brain. It is also known as Choroid Plexus Cyst (she told us in the office, but I had to look it up when I got back to work). It does not seem to be anything that is necessarily concerning as some perfectly normal babies have it, but the fact that it occured along with the clubbed foot increases the likelihood of downs or some other chromosomal abnormality to about 1 in 300.
I broke down. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what to say. I had opted out of the full test at 11 weeks to check for our chances of issues, and with the NT scan they did, we had a 1 in 12,000 chance of having a baby with downs, which is pretty good. Our only option now is to have an amniocentesis, and for me, the risk of this little guy's life is just not worth it to know.
It has been a roller coaster of a day, and I have a feeling it's not going to go away until this little guy makes his debut. I will have monthly ultrasounds from here on out to keep an eye on this little guy along with my previa which is still complete (the cervix is still completely covered by the placenta). I can't have a vaginal delivery unless the placenta is 2cm away from the cervix, but my doctor today told me she thought in about 8-12 weeks I should see it moving farther away.
I will love this little boy no matter what happens, and I'm working on trusting that God won't give us more than we can handle. Only time will tell how things will pan out, but God is in control.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Roller Coaster of a Pregnancy so far ...
Well, I will be 15 weeks along in this pregnancy on Monday and i've spent that last week in bed. A week ago today I started spotting, and not just a darker color but bright red, fresh, blood.
I contacted the hospital and hard a hard time getting in touch with the OB on call from my office, so I decided to call my High-risk doctor and luckily it was MY doctor on call. He told me to take it easy, stop taking my blood thinning injections, and make an appointment to see him when he was back in the office on Tuesday. As the night went on, I just couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't right, and I knew that if I didn't see my little baby that night, I wouldn't sleep any night until I did.
We decided to drop off Elizabeth at my parents house and made our way to the ER at Evergreen. Luckily it was pretty quiet and I was placed in a room right away. Once I was rolled into the ultrasound room my heart was definitely racing. Along with the spotting I had been experiencing some mild back pain and cramps, all signs of a miscarriage. She put the jelly on my belly and the moment I saw our baby jumping and moving around I could breathe. It didn't explain all my symptoms, but baby was okay, and that was my #1 priority.
Jump to Tuesday at my doctor appt where my doctor diagnosed me with placenta previa which had caused all my symptoms. I have a small part of my placenta completely covering the opening of the cervix. The good part is that the bulk of the placenta is located on the side of the uterus and with time, the hope is that as both baby and uterus grow that the placenta will move itself further up the wall and end up far enough up to be able to deliver vaginally.
The biggest and scariest part of all of this is that I am on blood thinners. I was removed from my shots for 3 days before my bleeding stopped, and then could go back 1/2 dosage. This has really set my anxiety on high alert (sure wish I could have taken some meds a few times this week) as being off the shots leaves me highly vulnerable for clots, then put me on bed rest and it's even higher, but put me back on my thinners right away and it could cause more bleeding. As my doctor put it, we are walking a tight rope right now between baby's health and my health.
Other things I have been ordered to stop until further notice: working out, even yoga (and this is killing me), picking up Ellie (only doing it short distances and making her do as much as she can), and sex (there is a good possiblity this will be most of my pregnancy unless the placenta moves far enough up). Right now that's all that I can think of, but it sure is tough. I wanted SO badly to make this pregnancy different than with Ellie, to stay active (which I did with her, but not the same), and at the same time I worked so hard to get to where I was with my strength conditioning, and now it's all going to be lost. I know it's all for the baby, but I am going to be a little selfish as it is hard to just sit around.
Anyways, I'll make sure to update as I know what is going on. I have doctor's appointments this next week and the week after, and i'm sure i'll be seeing the doctor much more than I had initially expected as they monitor my situation.
*sigh* This little boy better appreciate what i'm doing for him! Oh, yah, at my scan my doctor said that his opinion was that we were going to have a little boy ... 90% sure (my sonographer agreed as well)! Mark is over the top excited!!
I contacted the hospital and hard a hard time getting in touch with the OB on call from my office, so I decided to call my High-risk doctor and luckily it was MY doctor on call. He told me to take it easy, stop taking my blood thinning injections, and make an appointment to see him when he was back in the office on Tuesday. As the night went on, I just couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't right, and I knew that if I didn't see my little baby that night, I wouldn't sleep any night until I did.
We decided to drop off Elizabeth at my parents house and made our way to the ER at Evergreen. Luckily it was pretty quiet and I was placed in a room right away. Once I was rolled into the ultrasound room my heart was definitely racing. Along with the spotting I had been experiencing some mild back pain and cramps, all signs of a miscarriage. She put the jelly on my belly and the moment I saw our baby jumping and moving around I could breathe. It didn't explain all my symptoms, but baby was okay, and that was my #1 priority.
Jump to Tuesday at my doctor appt where my doctor diagnosed me with placenta previa which had caused all my symptoms. I have a small part of my placenta completely covering the opening of the cervix. The good part is that the bulk of the placenta is located on the side of the uterus and with time, the hope is that as both baby and uterus grow that the placenta will move itself further up the wall and end up far enough up to be able to deliver vaginally.
The biggest and scariest part of all of this is that I am on blood thinners. I was removed from my shots for 3 days before my bleeding stopped, and then could go back 1/2 dosage. This has really set my anxiety on high alert (sure wish I could have taken some meds a few times this week) as being off the shots leaves me highly vulnerable for clots, then put me on bed rest and it's even higher, but put me back on my thinners right away and it could cause more bleeding. As my doctor put it, we are walking a tight rope right now between baby's health and my health.
Other things I have been ordered to stop until further notice: working out, even yoga (and this is killing me), picking up Ellie (only doing it short distances and making her do as much as she can), and sex (there is a good possiblity this will be most of my pregnancy unless the placenta moves far enough up). Right now that's all that I can think of, but it sure is tough. I wanted SO badly to make this pregnancy different than with Ellie, to stay active (which I did with her, but not the same), and at the same time I worked so hard to get to where I was with my strength conditioning, and now it's all going to be lost. I know it's all for the baby, but I am going to be a little selfish as it is hard to just sit around.
Anyways, I'll make sure to update as I know what is going on. I have doctor's appointments this next week and the week after, and i'm sure i'll be seeing the doctor much more than I had initially expected as they monitor my situation.
*sigh* This little boy better appreciate what i'm doing for him! Oh, yah, at my scan my doctor said that his opinion was that we were going to have a little boy ... 90% sure (my sonographer agreed as well)! Mark is over the top excited!!
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