So, I would have been almost 16 weeks pregnant at this point in time. How can I stop thinking about this? Is it like a faucet? Can I just turn it off and not turn it back on? It hurts to think about, yet I can't push it out of my head. My nurse who monitors my blood levels every month told me that I needed to talk about it, talk, talk, talk. But who wants to talk about something like this? I feel silly for feeling so strongly about something I never even saw. He/she never had a heartbeat and we could never even find out where the egg was, yet it hurts SO bad.
Who do I talk to? I know there are thousands of women out there who have gone through the same thing, but it's not like I can put a bulletin out there to see which one of my friends wants to talk about such a painful experience.
Right now, this is my only outlet and I am the faucet, but this faucet can't just be shut off, and I don't think it ever will be. I am a leaky faucet.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
So much, so little time
I cannot believe how much Ellie has been changing the past few weeks. I feel like I see something and need to write it down or do a quick blog and then I forget.
Here is her current list of accomplishments:
* waving - at EVERYTHING! The doors, the phone, the tree, the corner ... you get the point! :o) She will wave when either Mark or I have left the room, it's pretty cute!
* along with the waving comes 'Buh Bye,' and this is said quite often, and usually about a minute too late. She won't say it while I'm on the phone, but after I hang up she will wave and say buh bye
* 'SO BIG' - we ask her 'How big is Ellie?' and she will raise her hands in the air as we say 'so big!' which is followed quickly by clapping of her hands, which could be it's own bullet point, but anything we say 'YAY!' she starts clapping
* dancing - we have a little mover now, so when music is playing she is doing a little bob and weave!
* Books, out of the bookcase and on the floor, multiple times a day! But I love that she will entertain herself by playing with the books for a good 10-20 minutes!
* We let her play with her comb last night and after chewing on it for a while she started to comb her hair, yes, she put it on the back of her head and combed her hair ... utterly amazing what she picks up
* pointing at EVERYTHING! She loves balloons in the grocery store and will point at the corner of the room, she likes to point out EVERYTHING!
* She is starting to recognize eyes, nose, and mouth. I have been working with her to point out my eyes, nose and mouth, and she has about a 70% success rate and about a 90% success rate given a second chance, so I'm pretty pleased!
* She imitated Mark the other night while he was playing with her new little stuffed sheep from her stocking and she said 'Baaaah,' so we are starting to work on 'What does the sheep say?' and maybe moving on to other animals with consonants and sounds she is currently saying.
It is absolutely amazing to me the things she is doing and new things that pop up every day. I am sure I'm missing some now, but these are the big ones.
Man, I sure love that girl!
Here is her current list of accomplishments:
* waving - at EVERYTHING! The doors, the phone, the tree, the corner ... you get the point! :o) She will wave when either Mark or I have left the room, it's pretty cute!
* along with the waving comes 'Buh Bye,' and this is said quite often, and usually about a minute too late. She won't say it while I'm on the phone, but after I hang up she will wave and say buh bye
* 'SO BIG' - we ask her 'How big is Ellie?' and she will raise her hands in the air as we say 'so big!' which is followed quickly by clapping of her hands, which could be it's own bullet point, but anything we say 'YAY!' she starts clapping
* dancing - we have a little mover now, so when music is playing she is doing a little bob and weave!
* Books, out of the bookcase and on the floor, multiple times a day! But I love that she will entertain herself by playing with the books for a good 10-20 minutes!
* We let her play with her comb last night and after chewing on it for a while she started to comb her hair, yes, she put it on the back of her head and combed her hair ... utterly amazing what she picks up
* pointing at EVERYTHING! She loves balloons in the grocery store and will point at the corner of the room, she likes to point out EVERYTHING!
* She is starting to recognize eyes, nose, and mouth. I have been working with her to point out my eyes, nose and mouth, and she has about a 70% success rate and about a 90% success rate given a second chance, so I'm pretty pleased!
* She imitated Mark the other night while he was playing with her new little stuffed sheep from her stocking and she said 'Baaaah,' so we are starting to work on 'What does the sheep say?' and maybe moving on to other animals with consonants and sounds she is currently saying.
It is absolutely amazing to me the things she is doing and new things that pop up every day. I am sure I'm missing some now, but these are the big ones.
Man, I sure love that girl!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Fun with the 'lil mover
Daddy was gone again yesterday, so it was another girls day at home on the weekend. Since Ellie has been mobile she is getting into a lot of things, but is also following us wherever we go, which is kinda really cute! She was my little helper while preparing a roast, veggies and potatoes yesterday afternoon, and I had to keep turning around to make sure the little peanut wasn't going to get clobbered if I turned around to grab something. It also made me think a little harder about making sure the floor is clean as little specs of 'stuff' have made their way into her little mouth more than once (oh, and her favorite thing to do at daycare is eat carpet fuzz ... yah, my daughter eats carpet fuzz).
I am very much looking forward to this upcoming 4 day weekend and I'm hoping some rest and recuperation will be in my future, but with a 10 month old at home, I'm not sure how much of that I will get. Either way, I'm not at work and get to spend some quality time with my family.
I am very much looking forward to this upcoming 4 day weekend and I'm hoping some rest and recuperation will be in my future, but with a 10 month old at home, I'm not sure how much of that I will get. Either way, I'm not at work and get to spend some quality time with my family.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Yo-Yo anyone?
That's what I'm feeling like these days. Every week is a new set of emotions when it comes to my miscarriage. Today I received news that my numbers went up instead of down, almost 25% higher. I go back in on Wed to make sure the blood draw was correct, but I can't help but feel like I take one step forward and then 2 steps back.
I have no idea what lies in store for me and this mess of a "pregnancy" if you can even call it that. Possible D&C? Some surgical intervention? I have no idea, and I have a feeling the doctor doesn't know either. Why am I such a mess when it comes to my body? When I was in the ER the last time (after my fainting spell after my bday dinner) I explained everything to the attending doctor and after all of my, "oh yah, and ..." he told me that I was an ER doctor's conundrum. Pretty much, I have so many things WRONG with me, with no explanation (blood clots with no genetic markers, fainting spells with no neurological, cardiac or pulmonary issues, pregnancy that could be anywhere that just won't go away) that they don't know what to do other than as many tests as possible.
I will know more on Wed after my next blood draw, but I am sure not feeling this holiday season and could sure use some peace and restoration right now.
I have no idea what lies in store for me and this mess of a "pregnancy" if you can even call it that. Possible D&C? Some surgical intervention? I have no idea, and I have a feeling the doctor doesn't know either. Why am I such a mess when it comes to my body? When I was in the ER the last time (after my fainting spell after my bday dinner) I explained everything to the attending doctor and after all of my, "oh yah, and ..." he told me that I was an ER doctor's conundrum. Pretty much, I have so many things WRONG with me, with no explanation (blood clots with no genetic markers, fainting spells with no neurological, cardiac or pulmonary issues, pregnancy that could be anywhere that just won't go away) that they don't know what to do other than as many tests as possible.
I will know more on Wed after my next blood draw, but I am sure not feeling this holiday season and could sure use some peace and restoration right now.
Mama's girl
What is a mom to do? My daughter says Mama when she's upset, or when we're driving in the car, or just because. She likes to lean towards me while in others arms, and nobody can feed her a bottle like mommy. But this is proving to be somewhat of an issue.
Mommy is tired. Working full time, being a wife and having a home to maintain all take a back seat to my daughter. She loves her daddy, but he just doesn't fill her need quite as much as mommy does. This has made for Mark to get frustrated, and quite a bit as of late. She won't take a bottle from him, or not much before she shoves it out of her mouth and wants to sit up and play, he can't seem to get her calmed down, and if things are going well with daddy and Ellie in the living room, I might as well camp out in the back of the house, because if I walk in the room, she is immediately whining and crawling towards me.
I am not sure what to do as I can't help but love the fact that she wants her mama, but she needs to let her daddy do some of those things that mommy does well too. I left to run some errands this weekend, but of course it was during her nap time, and by the time I got home, she was just getting up and I was there to save her. I'm hoping it's a phase so that she will cling to daddy here in the near future, and maybe it will come when we have another baby, but I know he desprately wants her to be comfortable with him, and for him to be able to comfort her.
Here is a very proud daddy and his little girl...
Mommy is tired. Working full time, being a wife and having a home to maintain all take a back seat to my daughter. She loves her daddy, but he just doesn't fill her need quite as much as mommy does. This has made for Mark to get frustrated, and quite a bit as of late. She won't take a bottle from him, or not much before she shoves it out of her mouth and wants to sit up and play, he can't seem to get her calmed down, and if things are going well with daddy and Ellie in the living room, I might as well camp out in the back of the house, because if I walk in the room, she is immediately whining and crawling towards me.
I am not sure what to do as I can't help but love the fact that she wants her mama, but she needs to let her daddy do some of those things that mommy does well too. I left to run some errands this weekend, but of course it was during her nap time, and by the time I got home, she was just getting up and I was there to save her. I'm hoping it's a phase so that she will cling to daddy here in the near future, and maybe it will come when we have another baby, but I know he desprately wants her to be comfortable with him, and for him to be able to comfort her.
Here is a very proud daddy and his little girl...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
First Visit to Santa
This last weekend we visited Santa for the very first time, and I was so very pleased. Not only did Ellie NOT cry, but the place we went was WONDERFUL. Such a happy and 'real' Santa along with the fact that I now am the owner of all the digital pictures that were taken while we were there, so I can do whatever I please. I also called and made an appointment so we went in, waited about 10 mintues, got our pictures taken and left. SOOO much better than waiting in line at the mall! For anyone living north of Seattle ... Everett Santa is the place to go! (everettsanta.com) We'll be back next year!
Cold Free! For 2 weeks :o(
Elizabeth had a cold from the beginning of Sept (when school started and all the little kids started brining more germs back home) until right after her 9 month check-up, so about Mid November. It ranged from a runny nose to a slimy nose with a cough to no snot and a nasty cough. It FINALLY went away at the end of November and we have been cold free for about 2-3 weeks. I got a call this morning from Mark stating that she woke up with snot EVERYWHERE.
I guess she will have quite the immunity once she reaches 2 or 3 or goes to school with the amount of colds she has had. Luckily she has only had 2 rounds of fevers amidst all her colds, one that was pretty high, topping out at 104, but we were able to stifle it with cold washcloths and a little bit of Tylenol and it was gone in a matter of hours, and the last one that sat at 101/102 for all of the evening, but she woke up with no fever. She also has very high spirits while sick and it doesn't really seem to phase her, which is another HUGE blessing.
Here's to hoping her little cold leaves as quick as it has come on, her little body could use a rest. And who wants a snotty little kid at Christmas time. Cold, you have 2 weeks to do your thing and LEAVE!
I guess she will have quite the immunity once she reaches 2 or 3 or goes to school with the amount of colds she has had. Luckily she has only had 2 rounds of fevers amidst all her colds, one that was pretty high, topping out at 104, but we were able to stifle it with cold washcloths and a little bit of Tylenol and it was gone in a matter of hours, and the last one that sat at 101/102 for all of the evening, but she woke up with no fever. She also has very high spirits while sick and it doesn't really seem to phase her, which is another HUGE blessing.
Here's to hoping her little cold leaves as quick as it has come on, her little body could use a rest. And who wants a snotty little kid at Christmas time. Cold, you have 2 weeks to do your thing and LEAVE!
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