With only days to go before my due date I sit here completely conflicted. I called my doctor yesterday to set up an induction date, which is something I really didn't want to do, but for so many reasons I knew it was what I needed to do. At my 39 week appointment on Monday I was dilated to a 3 at the bottom of my cervix and a 1.5 at the top, and she didn't mention if I was anymore effaced than I was a week prior (75%). She also asked if I felt like Cole had gotten any bigger as when I laid down I wasn't very big, but didn't seem concerned (I'm not either as I was informed with Ellie that my opening was not very large and to know this just in case there were issues that might lead to a c-section during delivery). We talked about any changes or how I was doing and that's when I just broke down into tears.
Now, tears have been quite the norm for me the last week or so. I wake up in the morning, nothing has changed, he's still inside and all I can do is cry when I stand in the shower just thinking about it all. I cry when someone asks me how I'm doing, and I don't even want to pick up the phone most of the time for fear of the questions and the impending waterfall of tears. I don't remember being like this with Elizabeth, even with all the unknowns of a first pregnancy, this one has just been too much. I know that much of it continues to have to do with the unknown of Cole's situation, and though I can't do anything about it and it's not something I dwell on, it is such the fuel for this roller coaster of emotions that I knew I had to do something.
My doctor asked me if I had any other appointments scheduled and I said that I had one for 40 weeks. She then asked me, through my tears, if I wanted to set up an induction date, or just wait until my next appointment as they would only let me go 41 weeks at the most. I know the power of pitocin and want so badly for Cole to come on his own, so I stuck my heels in and said that I would wait until my next appointment to make any decisions. As I left the doctor's office, it was all I could do to hold back tears before getting into my car where it was safe to let it all out. She had done another quick check for me for fluid leakage, which was negative, and I had another quick AFI scan to check the fluid levels due to the lower levels a week ago, and that all looked good.
As I cried on my way back to work, and then to my sister, my mom, Mark, and a few others at work, I realized that this whole thing was taking a bigger toll on me than I had wanted to believe it has been. At the honest suggestion of my sister, I decided to call my doctor back on Wednesday when she was in the office again and set up an induction date. She had already told me that my cervix was plenty favorable and that I was already progressing along that an induction was not going to be an issue, so that is what I decided to do. At this point in time, Mr. Cole has 4 days to make his entrance on his own, otherwise I will be induced on Monday. And this is where I feel like such a hypocrite.
I have been such a proponent of waiting until your baby/body tell you it's time. With Ellie I had no choice, but I felt like I had the choice with Cole, and thus far there have been no extenuating circumstances to change that, other than my mental state. I feel like I didn't do it for all the wrong reasons, but there is still a part of me that tugs at my steadfastness and says that I am messing with nature here.
The appointment has been set and I will know on Sunday what time we will be checked into L&D Monday morning (unless he decides to come earlier of course!!!), and oddly enough I have more peace. I am still an emotional wreck, and I am doing all I can to walk this baby out, stay on my feet when I get home (made dinner AND a batch of cookies last night after a nice walk with the family) and keep my mind and hands busy, but the end is in sight. Mark will be taking next week off, and my mom has spring break the week after, so the timing works out perfectly as well. And though I may be a hypocrite, my current mental state is sure a lot more manageable than it was just a day ago, and for me, that is a huge weight off my shoulders.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Not much news
Went into the office yesterday hoping that I was progressing nicely. I have continued losing small amounts of mucus, which I'm assuming to be my mucus plug, so I had assumed something was going on. The doctor asked me if I wanted my membranes swept, and told me it usually doesn't do much of anything unless you are ready, so more along if I was 2-3cm dilated. I told her to go ahead if she is able to.
She checked my progress and I had gone from a 50% to 75% effacement and from a 1cm dilation to a little over 1cm dilation. Yup, not much change. Over a week and not much change was NOT what I wanted to hear. She did the sweep, which was totally and completely painless (honestly, didn't hurt at all) and mentioned I may have some bleeding. I went home and waited. I expected to get some contractions a few hours later, as that is what happened last week after my internal exam, and, well, nothing. I was crampy much of the night, but that's about it.
Woke up this morning with some mild contractions, but didn't feel like timing anything as I knew it was only going to end in frustration. About an hour ago I had a good hour or so of mild contractions around 7-10 minutes apart, but alas, they are gone.
Had a rough morning thus far between tired of fielding phone calls and comments about how I'm doing, asking the same questions day in and day out about contractions or if anything has changed, I am ready to not be at work right now. I am still 11 days from my due date so there is no need to get excited people. Cole will arrive when he's ready, and I have a gut feeling that it will be a little while before he decides it's time.
So I continue to sit at my desk, be as productive as possible, and pray he decides to prove me wrong!
She checked my progress and I had gone from a 50% to 75% effacement and from a 1cm dilation to a little over 1cm dilation. Yup, not much change. Over a week and not much change was NOT what I wanted to hear. She did the sweep, which was totally and completely painless (honestly, didn't hurt at all) and mentioned I may have some bleeding. I went home and waited. I expected to get some contractions a few hours later, as that is what happened last week after my internal exam, and, well, nothing. I was crampy much of the night, but that's about it.
Woke up this morning with some mild contractions, but didn't feel like timing anything as I knew it was only going to end in frustration. About an hour ago I had a good hour or so of mild contractions around 7-10 minutes apart, but alas, they are gone.
Had a rough morning thus far between tired of fielding phone calls and comments about how I'm doing, asking the same questions day in and day out about contractions or if anything has changed, I am ready to not be at work right now. I am still 11 days from my due date so there is no need to get excited people. Cole will arrive when he's ready, and I have a gut feeling that it will be a little while before he decides it's time.
So I continue to sit at my desk, be as productive as possible, and pray he decides to prove me wrong!
Monday, March 12, 2012
False Alarm
So, I just got back from the doctor's office, so yes, that means this baby is not coming today; well, at least this afternoon. And yes, my appointment was/still is for Wed, but I went in today to have my fluid checked. I got into work this morning, drank my cup of tea and had almost polished off an entire water bottle (24+ oz water) and went to the bathroom for the first time. This may be a little TMI, but it smelled, and not like normal smell, but very different and then I went back in the bathroom 15 minutes later and my underwear was wet, and not just a little like normal, but much more. I didn't have anything odd for dinner last night, and in fact I went to the bathroom multiple times in the middle of the night and I didn't have the same issue I did at work this morning. So, I called my doctor (who is actually out of the office today) and talked to a nurse. I monitored my moisture level for an hour and called back. At this point in time, nothing was really obvious, just a little extra I guess (which has been normal).
They ended up having me come into the office, so Mark left work in case the same situation arose as with Elizabeth. He picked me up from work and we went to my appointment. All the tests came back negative and there was a sense of relief along with feeling a little bummed. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be induced, but it would at least tell me I wasn't completely crazy about this whole thing. the doctor ordered a quick ultrasound to check fluid level and then we would know for sure. The u/s tech finished and after re-measuring, I was on the low side of normal. Her first measurement was 8.1 and the second was 8.6. 7.3 is considered too low and is in the 5th percentile, so we were getting pretty close there, considering I was over 12 just a week and a half ago. That part was a little nerve wracking, but I guess I just have to continue to wait it out to see Dr. Delorit on Wednesday afternoon to find out where I am in the grand scheme of progression and whether a membrane sweep will be called into order.
Thus, I am back at work, sitting on my butt praying for something interesting to do.
They ended up having me come into the office, so Mark left work in case the same situation arose as with Elizabeth. He picked me up from work and we went to my appointment. All the tests came back negative and there was a sense of relief along with feeling a little bummed. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be induced, but it would at least tell me I wasn't completely crazy about this whole thing. the doctor ordered a quick ultrasound to check fluid level and then we would know for sure. The u/s tech finished and after re-measuring, I was on the low side of normal. Her first measurement was 8.1 and the second was 8.6. 7.3 is considered too low and is in the 5th percentile, so we were getting pretty close there, considering I was over 12 just a week and a half ago. That part was a little nerve wracking, but I guess I just have to continue to wait it out to see Dr. Delorit on Wednesday afternoon to find out where I am in the grand scheme of progression and whether a membrane sweep will be called into order.
Thus, I am back at work, sitting on my butt praying for something interesting to do.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
OH contractions - how I loathe thee
After the internal check on Monday, I had a nice bout of contractions which is to be expected. After a few hours of being HORRIBLY uncomfortable at work, I made it home where things started to die down. Ever since then though I have been having a handful of contractions every few hours. Not just uncomfortable, but radiating into my back and I've been feeling nauseous in between each contraction as well. SO much fun!
Luckily I am still sleeping well, and in fact I've actually be sleeping better the last week or so, but I have woken up around 4am the past 2 mornings with more contractions. This morning's was the worst yet, and was so bad that Mark rolled over to ask if I was having a contraction, which tells me I was having to breathe through it pretty good. Afterwards, my pelvis was radiating with an achy feeling, and after getting in the shower, Mr. Cole was so very low that it HURT. And yet now I sit at work with wonderful back pain and little to no more contractions. Ugh! Hopefully this just means that things aren't too far away as contractions all day long for days on end is just not fun, and it's more of a tease than anything!
Luckily I am still sleeping well, and in fact I've actually be sleeping better the last week or so, but I have woken up around 4am the past 2 mornings with more contractions. This morning's was the worst yet, and was so bad that Mark rolled over to ask if I was having a contraction, which tells me I was having to breathe through it pretty good. Afterwards, my pelvis was radiating with an achy feeling, and after getting in the shower, Mr. Cole was so very low that it HURT. And yet now I sit at work with wonderful back pain and little to no more contractions. Ugh! Hopefully this just means that things aren't too far away as contractions all day long for days on end is just not fun, and it's more of a tease than anything!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Progress - 37 weeks
I'll make this quick, but I had my 37 week appointment this morning, and, after losing some of my mucus plug earlier this morning I had my internal check. As I was so worried on Friday that my cervix was still long and nothing was happening, I was dilated about 1cm, 50% effaced, and Cole's head was resting nicely on my cervix this morning. My doctor didn't strip my membranes today, but she said she could do it at our appointment next week, so I wait until next Wed for my next appointment. I guess I can just pray something happens between now and then, but at least I know something is happening. A sweet reminder that he won't be in there forever!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Meltdown
Had my last ultrasound this morning and everything looked great! So hard to see everything now that Cole is so big and squished, but he was breathing, fluid levels looked good, he's continuing to stay head down, and is running around 6-1/2 lbs (or so the ultrasound shows). My doctor said that he wouldn't expect him to gain much more than one more pound, possibly even a little less, so a very 'medium' sized baby.
At the end of the ultrasound the tech checked my cervix, which I was hoping would show signs of getting ready. And, well, no such luck. It is still nice and long. As I sat in the room after the tech left waiting for my doctor, I had all of these thoughts running through my head. My first instinct was to cry and the second was to take a deep breath and realize that I WANT things to happen when they are supposed to, not when I necessarily would like them to happen. If Cole is not ready, I am not going to make my body do anything it shouldn't.
As I left the hospital and was driving back to work, I was talking to my sister and I just fell apart. I am done. I hurt, I can't sleep, I waddle everywhere I go and I feel like a whale. I am going to do everything I can to enjoy this last part of this pregnancy as it will be my last (or that is the plan at this point in time), but it's really hard to enjoy something when all you want it to do is end. I know it will only be a few more weeks, and those few weeks are nothing compared to the many years I still have ahead of me. My prayer until the end is patience.
At the end of the ultrasound the tech checked my cervix, which I was hoping would show signs of getting ready. And, well, no such luck. It is still nice and long. As I sat in the room after the tech left waiting for my doctor, I had all of these thoughts running through my head. My first instinct was to cry and the second was to take a deep breath and realize that I WANT things to happen when they are supposed to, not when I necessarily would like them to happen. If Cole is not ready, I am not going to make my body do anything it shouldn't.
As I left the hospital and was driving back to work, I was talking to my sister and I just fell apart. I am done. I hurt, I can't sleep, I waddle everywhere I go and I feel like a whale. I am going to do everything I can to enjoy this last part of this pregnancy as it will be my last (or that is the plan at this point in time), but it's really hard to enjoy something when all you want it to do is end. I know it will only be a few more weeks, and those few weeks are nothing compared to the many years I still have ahead of me. My prayer until the end is patience.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Potty Training and Contractions
LOL, I have to chuckle as I write that title. Yes, contractions (to start off the post), well, I think so? I had some Braxton Hicks last night that I had to breathe through a little more than normal, maybe about 3 of them in an hour and a half while I was sitting on the couch. I woke up in the middle of the night, as I normally do, but I was SO uncomfortable. It wasn't just my hips, but my stomach muscles ached. All I could think of was that I did some weird move in yoga last night and it was just pain from using the muscles more than normal. But then I woke up this morning to my alarm, got up to shower, and there was not the same pain I had in the middle of the night. So, now all I can think of is that I had some contractions. Either way, it's nothing to get too excited about as I obviously slept through them, but it's nice to know things are looking to progress.
My 36 week appointment was yesterday and I had been 'leaking' more than normal, so when I had my Group B Strep swab, my doctor checked that I was not leaking amniotic fluid. It came back negative, and a little part of my heart sunk, but the rest was relieved to know that this guy is still cooking. Doctor didn't check my progress, but will next Monday at my 37 week appointment, but I was okay with that because I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning that will give me a good idea of progress when they check the length of my cervix.
And on to the other part of the title; potty training. My little 2 year old has been showing more and more signs of being ready to start the process, including going potty 6 times this last weekend, and asking to go each and every time. Now, she will NOT sit on the potty to go number 2, but I don't want to push her interest aside just for that along with the fact that I know she will regress when her little brother gets here. So, we are starting, and doing our best to encourage. Mini marshmallows for successful potty trips, and we have now started a Potty Chart with special stickers to have at both daycare and at home, and when she reaches Elmo and Abby Caddabby she gets a little something 'extra' (not sure what yet). Hoping this will help, and we are just trying to be consistent with going potty when she wakes, before bedtime, and before and after nap when we can control that part. The past 3 nights she has either been dry or close to it when we get her up in the morning, so I am pretty happy about that! I still have her in diapers as I'm hesitant to rely on pull ups, so I may go out and get some big girl underwear for the weekends (and when we are home after brother arrives) and maybe that will help with her aversion to go #2 on the toilet.
I know this is such a fun topic, and so many people have so many ways of going about it, but I am proud of Elizabeth for showing interest, and even though the past 2 mornings have been a little rough getting her on the potty, when I got her there, she went, and as much as I don't want to push it, there are times she has to go, and that will be one of them. Wish us luck as we will have to tread this road a little lighter and longer than I would have wanted to with Cole arriving any time now, but I'm confident I can be a 1 diaper household by this summer for sure!
My 36 week appointment was yesterday and I had been 'leaking' more than normal, so when I had my Group B Strep swab, my doctor checked that I was not leaking amniotic fluid. It came back negative, and a little part of my heart sunk, but the rest was relieved to know that this guy is still cooking. Doctor didn't check my progress, but will next Monday at my 37 week appointment, but I was okay with that because I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning that will give me a good idea of progress when they check the length of my cervix.
And on to the other part of the title; potty training. My little 2 year old has been showing more and more signs of being ready to start the process, including going potty 6 times this last weekend, and asking to go each and every time. Now, she will NOT sit on the potty to go number 2, but I don't want to push her interest aside just for that along with the fact that I know she will regress when her little brother gets here. So, we are starting, and doing our best to encourage. Mini marshmallows for successful potty trips, and we have now started a Potty Chart with special stickers to have at both daycare and at home, and when she reaches Elmo and Abby Caddabby she gets a little something 'extra' (not sure what yet). Hoping this will help, and we are just trying to be consistent with going potty when she wakes, before bedtime, and before and after nap when we can control that part. The past 3 nights she has either been dry or close to it when we get her up in the morning, so I am pretty happy about that! I still have her in diapers as I'm hesitant to rely on pull ups, so I may go out and get some big girl underwear for the weekends (and when we are home after brother arrives) and maybe that will help with her aversion to go #2 on the toilet.
I know this is such a fun topic, and so many people have so many ways of going about it, but I am proud of Elizabeth for showing interest, and even though the past 2 mornings have been a little rough getting her on the potty, when I got her there, she went, and as much as I don't want to push it, there are times she has to go, and that will be one of them. Wish us luck as we will have to tread this road a little lighter and longer than I would have wanted to with Cole arriving any time now, but I'm confident I can be a 1 diaper household by this summer for sure!
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